It was a God day. I knew it was going to be since Sunday. Nothing major, just God ministering to me in little ways. But that little bit sure went a long way. I've been very down on myself lately, not in a good place. I don't like being around myself. The new medication to straighten out the hormones isn't making me easy to live with either, so I've been told. But today changed my thinking a bit. Like I said, not so much of a big deal in writing, more one of those you gotta be there kind of things.
It all started Sunday evening. Ashten found out my mom has baby goats. Quite literally, my mom has a small petting zoo. We are talking goats, cats, rabbits, various dogs, bunnies, ferrets, chickens in various forms, even a few pet skunks-really. The perfect place for my 5-year-old animal fanatic. She doesn't get to go there too often, Mom lives in Paoli and it is just hard for me to get her there often. But Ashten started in on me Sunday evening wanting to spend the day. I said maybe Saturday, and that of course was eons in kid years. So I called Mom, and even though I meant to ask for Saturday (date time!) it wound up I never mentioned Saturday, and we decided on Tuesday. My one day completely free this week. So I started coming up with a plan of what all I could get done while Ashten was visiting.
But then, I got to thinking, I had promised Grandma I would come up and fix up her flower bed for Mother's Day this week. It's tradition. My grandma is pretty much home bound, and she spends most of her time at her kitchen table looking out her sliding door window. This flower bed really brightens her day. And Tuesday would really be the one day to get it done. Man. Bummer. But as time went on, I began looking forward to it. I made my plan, Wal-Mart in Paoli for flowers, Lost River Market (my absolute self-splurge place-I love their deli and they have my Izze pop) deli lunch, Grandma's, so on and so on. And I can't really explain it, but in anticipation I knew it was meant as time for me and God, it was there in the back of my head, nothing I thought about consciously.
So we get to my mom's this morning. Beautiful day. We are out on the porch talking flowers. She mentioned that she didn't think the clematis I got her last year was going to come back. And she was talking about how much she liked them, and how her and one of her clients talk about them. Somewhere in there I decided I would try to find one at Wal-Mart for her, and off I went.
Now, I love to drive, especially alone. And even better, I love to drive with my sunroof open. Perfect day for it, added in a little christian music and God began speaking. Nothing to share really, just good conversation, feel good moment.
At Wal-Mart I had a ball picking out flowers, but couldn't find clematis. I'd given up and went in. For some reason I headed down an aisle, I was completely ready to check out at this point, just waiting for the register they keep near the lawn center to clear. And there it was. THE one. I have been looking for this certain type of clematis forever, it's hard to find and absolutely beautiful. And wouldn't you know it, they only had one left. Now I had already decided to buy one for Mom, but she didn't know that. So what to do? Well, I tend to suffer buyers remorse every time I buy myself something, so I decided I really didn't need another one, I'd just give it to her as planned. Not that I was trying to be the perfect daughter here or anything, I just felt guilt about buying myself a plant-long story there. And later that day, once again going down the road, God brought that to my attention in a different way. Hey, you aren't the terrible self-serving person you make yourself out to be so often, give yourself a break. Like I said, not a big thing in writing, had to be there. It was a God moment.
Back up a bit. Like I had said, at Wal-Mart I had went down that aisle while waiting for the line to clear. It was just one woman checking out. So I got behind her to wait. She was asking about top soil and decided to buy some as she was checking out. Which meant the check out gal would have to go with her outside to get it. She told her she would help her once she got me rung up. I said not to worry about it, I'd go up front and for her to go ahead. Not a big deal. I turned and began walking away. And as I did so I heard the customer say wow that was really nice. That stunned me. I had thought nothing about it, the check out girl was looking worried and harried about getting it all done, it wasn't a big deal for me to go up front, in fact, I was wondering when I decided to check out there why I had anyways. But this made an impression on that woman. Nothing intentional on my part once again, just going about my day, wasn't trying to do anything out of my way, wasn't trying to give myself a big pat on the back or anything. And I thought, wow, what if I had been in a hurry and feeling a bit testy, cause quite honestly my trip to CVS on Sunday went a bit differently and I've had some guilt moments over it. What a difference that could have made in her day. Another moment of God saying hey you, great your listening, lets talk, or I'll talk, you listen for a change. So I did.
Anyways, I stopped at the market, did I mention I just love that place? and got lunch for me and Grandma. And I was as friendly as I could possibly be to the guy checking me out. Don't get me wrong, I detest people talking on cells in the check out, and I am most usually very careful about being as friendly as I can, but I mean I was filled with the Spirit friendly. Ever try it? Makes a huge difference to those around you.
So Grandma and I had lunch together and then I went out to work. My aunt came, then my cousin and her boyfriend. They all wound up coming out to help-well my aunt anyways, my cousin is more of a watcher. And it was a good time of working and teasing with people I had been a little tense with lately. And later I got the joy of seeing my Grandma looking out the window enjoying her first colors of the spring. I visited there longer than I have in awhile. It was all in the attitude.
And that is just it. It is all in the attitude. It is all in how we view ourselves. Do we think we are perfectly made in God's image, or are we constantly down on ourselves for every little mistake, every little bit of impatience, every little bit of selfishness, every little not perfect moment we tend to have? Do we even take the time to see the effect we are having on the people around us? None of us are perfect, and we are going to screw up, even when we feel we are walking close to God. But He doesn't want us to continually beat ourselves up. He wants us to feel good about ourselves (granted there is an extreme other side to the self-loathing) and live each day filled with His spirit to be a light to others. That is hard to do when you are constantly looking in the mirror picking yourself apart. Accept that grace.
