Holiday Encouragement

I have to admit, my feelings about the upcoming holidays are mixed. Last Christmas Eve my dad had a heart attack, my grandma was admitted for pneumonia, my other grandma had a stroke, and we spent Christmas Day in the er having the kids treated for strep.

I swore off Christmas from then on.

Of course that lasted till about October. I have a habit of getting into the spirit a bit early which drives my hubby slightly crazy.

This year will be a bit different though. I no longer have my dad in my life. I no longer have my stepmom to drive me slightly buggy. There will be no Christmas dinner to make for them this year.

Tomorrow I will gather together with my family at Grandma's. Each year I wonder if it will be the last we have with her. She and my grandpa were my one constant in life growing up.

There are some I know dreading the get togethers. Some who are carrying a load of guilt and loneliness, afraid of whether or not they will be facing condemnation for past mistakes.

For them I have a story to share today.

It isn't an easy story to tell.

When I was 16 my ex-boyfriend decided to end his life. We were both messed up kids from messed up homes. He came to my house one night and told me what he planned to do. He tried to get me to follow him outside but I refused. So he walked out to his car, got out his 22, and shot himself in the chest in our front yard.

He came back into the house, and as he dropped to his knees in front of me, he told me he did it for me because he loved me.

The rest of that night is a blur of sirens and flashing lights and police questioning.

He survived, barely. I died that night.

It happened on a Thursday night. I made the decision that instead of hiding at home and making myself more miserable about eventually having to face everyone, I would go to school the next day.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Walking down those halls, facing the stares, the whispers, the pointing, it was unbearable. My friends avoided me, my teachers didn't know how to react. The guidance counselor told a friend she would like to talk to me, but never sought me out. I had never felt so completely alone.

I shut down after that. I spent much of my time alone in my room, full of guilt, full of shame. Months later I met Brian. I was so afraid to tell him. Turns out he already knew thanks to some "helpful" people around town. Thanks to him I was finally able to put away the guilt. Thanks to him I finally found a savior who completely washed away the shame in my heart.

So where am I going with all of this?

Sometimes it is hard to face people, especially the ones we love and want so desperately to love us back, when we have made mistakes, when we feel such shame for what we have done. We are afraid of their judgement, afraid of how they will react to us. It's hard to take that step and risk so much. The longer we hide, the longer we face it alone, the more damage it does to who we are.

Let it go. Hold your head high. Let God forgive you, and forgive yourself. Let God use it to make you stronger. Let God use you to be a light to others who so desperately need understanding.

A Forgiving Father

It is so easy sometimes to put God on the back burner and run ahead with our own wants and desires. We can drown out that voice so easily with the world and what it offers.

And then we feel guilty. Not good enough. And we hide from His grace.

But maybe we should look at another way.

There are times when our kids are going to willfully disobey our commands, knowing the rules, knowing what we want from them. Yet they do their own thing anyways. We discipline, we punish. But we love them dearly, so we forgive and move on.

We as parents can understand and forgive our kids when they mess up because we love them so much. If we are capable of such love and forgiveness, imagine how much more our father in heaven is capable of.

A Mom Morning

Whew. I'm glad all is finally quiet in my house. I had one of my not-got-it-together-at-7am mom mornings. We didn't get home till after 8 last night which just really messed me all up (or it might be more because I crashed on the couch at 9. But that's a good thing because it proves I really have conquered my must-not-miss Ghost Hunters obsession).

A blob took over my kitchen this morning. A very large, smelly blob. That is what greeted me when I came out of my den and reluctantly turned on the lights.

I'm known in my house as the "troll" because I have a real aversion to turning on lights in the house. Which is funny because I used to-lovingly-call my mom the same thing.

Anyways...a dear feller at church had given us frozen yeast bread last night with some hasty instructions on what to do with it. Well, we didn't make it home till much later and it was thawed. The instructions were to leave it on the counter for a few hours then cook it 20 minutes. Got the counter part right, then forgot about it till this morning. I'm not sure what I found was something nature intended. I was sure it was moving, and I hesitantly and oh-so-gently poked at it. It just deflated to this gooey mess and tried to run over the side of the counter. I started having flashbacks to my 13th birthday party and 11 girly girls unable to sleep thinking about what that blob had done to the unfortunate souls Steve Mcqueen couldn't save. (We watched those killer tomatoes that night too.)

Darn, I was looking forward to yeast bread.

I must admit my OCD really kicks in in the mornings. I'm up out of bed and going 90 miles a minute. Gotta get it all done before noon cause I'm worthless from noon till 3 on most days. It drives my hubby insane. He's more of a pot of coffee first kinda guy.

So I was sortin a mountain of laundry in the laundry room, trying to get lunches packed (I usually do it the night before), trying to actually get Ashten up and moving off the couch which is where I find her most mornings (she's her daddy sans coffee), something had spent the night partying in her hair, Alex came at me with his reading and vocab notes that we had already went over for 30 minutes last night, and then Ashten decided to empty her backpack and besides THAT mess now gracing my couch we had forgotten about HER homework. Guess what I was doing at the end of the drive while waiting for the bus??? And on the way out the door my cat had left a lovely present in front of the litterbox for us all to step around. Which I suppose is payback for us locking him out of the bedroom last night. He likes to sleep in our bed, but 5 am is playtime. Uh uh.

But it's now 8:10 and I'm wondering how so much can happen in one short hour as I sit here in my kind of quiet house (our washer is on its last leg, I'm drooling over the pretty colored ones at Lowes just daring mine to die).

Welcome to this thing called life. I would not trade it for anything though.

Brian and I have big dreams of retiring on Boggs Lake (ok maybe we aren't the biggest of dreamers, but it'll work for us as long as it involves a hot tub, lake view, and a boat). It sure will be quiet. I'm gonna be one needy grandma, I hope they have lots of little ones. Ashten says she isn't having babies, but she will adopt some. Alex, well, Alex doesn't plan to ever move out. He has big plans to move US out and take over the house. Sigh. As long as grandkids are part of the deal...

Course he hasn't heard about the lake house yet...

Last Night

Last night I sat Ashten down at the counter to begin homework when Alex came by and asked if he could help her with it. Wow. Sure. He loves to lead and help, but man, to ask if he can help his lil sis with her homework (and not have to brag about how much more he knows) was big.

A few months back, after being completely fed up with my two picky eaters, (which I will confess is somewhat my own fault) we implemented a new chore. Every Tuesday they take turns cooking dinner. Whatever they choose, we eat. This week was Alex's turn. He decided he wanted to do it completely on his own. (Can I say I had a very lovely evening just hanging out?) It is wonderful to see him becoming more self-assured.

And I must confess I am entirely sick of mac and cheese, hamburger helper, tacos and nachos(somehow by adding cheese it is an entirely different dish). Sigh. It has given me a different perspective of how they view my dinner choices. But still....they need to branch out a bit...

Instead of sitting in front of the tv, we went out to the garage and Brian and I exercised together. It makes it so much easier with a partner. We have a treadmill (my fave), elliptical (the demon machine is what I would call it), a couple of weight benches, and a punching bag (oh so good for getting rid of frustrations). Alex got into it and decided to be the personal trainer. He's a persistent task master of a trainer. Ashten decided to try my old roller skates. Then asked me for a demonstration. Man, it has been a lot of years. I was a bit shaky, and it was a bit embarrassing. Later Brian tried a pair of inline skates his mom picked up at a yard sale. I went ahead into the house to save him the same embarrassment.

As I sat down in the recliner to do our nightly rocking session before bed, Ashten began asking questions about salvation. Alex's eyes lit up and he jumped right in trying to tell her all about it. I'm not sure we did a very good job at explaining it in 6 year old terms, but I'm so happy she is curious.


I can't begin to explain in writing the change that has come over my household since I made my way back to a relationship with God. I am so far from perfect. I get moody, I get snappy, I need lots of alone time, I say things I wish I wouldn't have, I don't say things I wish I would have, I make many, many mistakes. But I'm becoming more in love with a God who loves me anyways. And He is making a big impact on my family and the people in their lives.

For Bino

I heard this song on the way home last night from Bible study. The first words I caught were "I wonder what God was thinking when He made you." Whaattt? What kind of song is that? Then I started paying attention.



Today I put this here for you honey (sorry, it isn't a rockin song:)). I love you!



When God Made You by Newsong



Its always been a mystery to me, How two hearts can come together, And love can last forever. But now that I have found you I believe, That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one. So gone are all my questions about why, And i've never been so sure of anything in my life


~chorus~
Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.I wonder if He knew everything I would need, Because he made all my dreams come true. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.


(Girls)
Ooo ooo,I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you, With all my heart I'll be there too. And from this moment on I want you to know, I'll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love. (guy):So gone are all my questions about why (girl echoes):about why


Duet:Oh I wonder what God was thinking when he created you, I wonder if He knew everythin I would need, Because He made all my dreams come true. When God made you He must've been thinking about me.
Bridge


He made the sun He made the moon, To harmonize a perfect tune, One can't do without the other they just have to be together. And that is how I know its true, Your for me and i'm for you and my world Just cant be right without you in my life


Chorus


(guy) He must have heard every prayer I've been praying (girl echo) I've been praying (both)He must've knew everything I would need
When God made you, He must've been thinking about me.

Monday Morn Ramblings

The Colts vs. Patriots was such an awesome game..I think...at precisely 10:25 last night we lost our satellite signal for our local channels...again. This sooo better not happen during the Superbowl. So what do we do? Thank you Lord for high speed internet! Of course written out play by play on a tiny little picture of a football field is no comparision, but man, what a 4th quarter. At 12 we were still up and tuning in to ESPN gameday highlights just to see that 1 yard fumble...rofl..

After getting the kids on the bus bright and early, I was thinking about dinner and decided it was a mashed potato night. Then I remembered I have no potatoes in the house..they are all still in the garden...and rain's a comin..so I'm just getting back from digging in the garden, before 8 a.m., in my pj's. Just call me Farmer Brown.

Then I remembered this awesome new invention I found at Wal-Mart. Potatoes in a bag. You throw them in the nuker, and wahlah, potatoes to mash. I'm willing to bet all the firewood in our back yard (which Brian and I finally got split and stacked Friday..yay) that Ashten won't touch them. She is one picky mashed potato eater. I can make them at Grandma's on Sunday and she loves them. I make them at home and she says they taste bad. Oh well. I'll call digging in the garden my exercise for the day.

Saturday a dear friend, well he was till Saturday, brought Brian a motorcycle. He gave him a motorcycle. His girlfriend took pity on me and said we would go shopping while they rode, as I looked on in fear while Brian took it for a spin. He has always wanted one. But...a motorcyle. Two wheels. Lots of pavement.

We went out to eat with my father-in-law Saturday night. We tried the new new Chinese place. Not bad. Had to take in McDonalds for Ashten. Alex was a bit braver, but he decided there are better things to eat.

How's the dog saga?? Weellll, I've got a new best friend. I showed up, he was excited. Until he found out it was me at the door. I've never seen such a disgusted look from a dog. He sort of looked at me, put his tail down, turned around and slowly walked away. Wow. Hello to you too sweetheart. But then I pulled out the big guns. A lil cheese filled hot dog. Oh yeah. I've never seen such a sweet pair of big brown eyes as that dog gave me once he figured out what was going on.

That was Thursday. Today will be my second day with him. I'm thinking we will try the turkey. I truly hope my neighbor will forgive me. The dog is supposed to be on a diet.

I'm forseeing a nap in my future.

We took the kids to the Patoka dam yesterday. I've never seen such excitement. I'm dreading the days when stuff like that is just so not cool. It does make for an awesome moment when you pop up over the top and the lake is spread out before you. I was kicking myself for not taking the camera.

Well, it's time to get into the Bible. I got so very convicted last night while I was reading. I read a passage from 1 John. It wasn't the passage itself, it was the commentary explaining the passage. Man. Oh man.

I'm so thankful God shows us where we need to improve. I'm even more thankful He loves us anyways.

Jesus Freak

Lyrics to Jesus Freak by dc Talk. Who says Christian music doesn't rock??

What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?
What will people do When they find that's it's true?]

Separated, I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me I've divorced
I saw a man with tat on his big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what it said
Cause I had to match the rhythm
Of his belly with my head '
Jesus Saves' is what it raved in a typical tattoo green
He stood on a box in the middle of the city And claimed he had a dream

(chorus) What will people think When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth
Kamikaze, my death is gain
I've been marked by my Maker A peculiar display
The high and lofty, they see me as weak
Cause I won't live and die for the power they seek
There was a man from the desert with naps in his head
The sand that he walked was also his bed
The words that he spoke made the people assume
There wasn't too much left in the upper room
With skins on his back and hair on his face
They thought he was strange by the locusts he ate
The Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak
Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

(repeat chorus 2x)

People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger
People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger

(repeat chorus 2x)

What will people think [What will people think]
What will people do [What will people do]
I don't really care [What else can I say]
There ain't no disguising the truth [Jesus is the way]

She Chose Ketchup

I went to Grandma's today after I finished up at the nursing home. As I was waiting for her to get the kitchen so we could have lunch together, I thumbed through one of her magazines. It isn't one I usually particularly care for, it is about the good ol' days. But one story caught my eye.
The lady who had written it was telling about how when she was little she would take her wagon around the neighborhood to collect food for neighbors in need. Sometimes she would be given money, and she would take what she had collected to the store to buy what she could. On one occasion, she was able to buy a few potatoes, onions, a box of salt, and a bottle of ketchup. She was so proud of what she was able to get.
At this point in the story I'm thinking to myself "ketchup???". Why of all things would you get ketchup? I don't get it. Of all the things she could have spent the money on.
Well, as I read on she wrote about how when the woman came to the door she was just ecstatic. She had so been wanting some ketchup (remember this was probably in the 40's). And at the end the little girl went home with tears in her eyes and a good feeling in her heart. And she ended with "I'm glad I chose the ketchup".
Huh.
Sometimes in life God speaks to our hearts to do things that don't quite make sense to us. Sometimes it may even make us seem a little odd. But He knows better than anyone what is best for us. And He knows exactly when people in need need to know He is listening.
I'm glad she chose the ketchup too.

The Two Seas

I heard a teaching this morning, by Joyce Meyer, about two seas.
One is the Sea of Galilee.
It has fresh water. People come near to its shores, delighting in being close. It's water is full of life.
The other is the Dead Sea.
It is as it says-dead. It's water is so salty, nothing can live in it. People do not hover on its shores, for there is nothing there to draw them to it.
Why is one so alive and the other so dead?
The Sea of Galilee has water constantly flowing into it, and as fresh water comes in, water also goes out. The Dead Sea may take in water, but it puts nothing out. It is only a reservoir.
It is kind of like people. If we merely take, take, take, we may be growing and learning and gaining, but if we are giving nothing back, we are spiritually dead. And a reservoir can only hold so much. But if we are giving back out of what we take in, people draw near. They see there is something there to benefit from. We are full of life.
I don't want to be just a reservoir.

My Not So Friendly Neighbor

So my neighbor calls yesterday wanting to know if I will come down and take care of his dog while he is away. Oh my.

This dog and I have a history. He dislikes me...intensely. Maybe he senses my deep lack of respect for small lapdogs, I don't know.

This is not your typical lapdog.

It all started a few years back. Same scenario. Go down and let out said dog once a day. Well, the first day he went out, refused to do his business. Second day, he went out, sat down, and settled in. There was absolutely nothing I could do to get him to move. I sweet talked, I ignored, I walked away, I threatened to leave him (yeah, like that scared him), I stood over him and waved my arms in a shooing motion like a complete idiot. Finally, I decided extreme measures were in order...I was gonna hafta pick him up and bodily carry him inside. I leaned in... he growled. I sweet talked while coming in closer, he growled louder. I withdrew. I'm thinking he is gonna take off my finger, and I'm already only sporting 9 whole ones, I need what I've got left. But determination set in, and I informed his cute lil butt he would let me pick him up. It worked. Barely. I kindly deposited him inside the kitchen door, and he turned around and glared with a lovely get even kinda glare. Another neighbor had to finish out the week from that point on.

A few weeks ago I took my neighbor to the vet...well, I took his dog, the neighbor rode along. The dog completely and totally ignored me like he always does, (I mean to this dog I simply do not exist) except to whine incessantly about my driving skills. Not a good sign. We got to the vet's office and I sat down in the waiting room trying to let him know it was completely not my idea to bring him there. I don't think he bought it. Now I've got the vet visit strike against me too.

Back to today. My dearly beloved neighbor (he calls me Susie-Baby and I just love it) asked me to come down. He thinks if I feed this little creature he will like me better and be more willing to do as I ask...yeah, right. Good plan. So I'm gonna go in a little while and make nice and get re-re-acquainted.

I'm not forseeing a good outcome from this. I know he has plans for revenge. I can see his lil doggy grin now....

Weekend Happenings

Not a bang em up exciting weekend, but a good one anyways. Who could ask for better November weather, minus the beetles invading my front door everytime the afternoon sun hits?
Friday Brian took off work so we could do our Christmas shopping. Yeah, early, but I hate after Thanksgiving toy aisle crowds. Nothing can ruin Christmas spirit faster than bargain shopping, last minute, you mean you're sold out already, harried, toy aisle shoppers. No thanks. So after an awesomely quiet breakfast at Bob Evans, and one Target and two Wal-Marts, one Sam's Club (where I met the nicest man with the most awesome "God smile" ever, and can anyone say once a year Cheesecake Factory Pumpkin Cheesecake- dinner here I come!) and one GameStop later, we brought our aching feet home. Brian's dad had graciously agreed to be home when the kids got off the bus, and they were having a grand ol time. I had to run out with my camera at sunset to get a pic of my neighbor's beautiful Farm All tractor sitting in his field. He may have thought I was nuts wanting pics of his tractor, but I'm pretty sure he was also slightly proud. I think I'll frame one for him for Christmas.
Saturday Brian's dad showed up about 6:30-early- and they headed off for a man day. Breakfast at church and wood cutting for a fellow church member. Those guys made an impression on my father-in-law. Apparently they are the "real deal". Now if we can just get him through the front door at church.....
The kids and I attempted to do a good deed and stack our firewood. My husband refuses to do much more than lift the bed of the dumptruck and let er fly. Grr. It makes such a lovely picture in the back yard, one big mound all winter long. He has a good point, it is just extra work, but lil ol OCD me can hardly stand it not being all neat and tidy. We gave up quickly and hit the swingset instead.
Late Saturday evening some friends came over. 4 kids and 2 guitars+3 big guy kids=loud. It was a good time with pizza and music and pool.
Sunday it was off to church then Grandma's to see the family. We came home and took a walk, Brian attempted to fix the "m"and spacebar on the computer-its hard to type when they stick, and of course they stilldo-and Iwound up asleep on couch by 8:30. Too tired to even get up for Storm Chasers (DVR rocks). Daylight savings is evil....
And what do I for falling asleep? Some strange sticky substance splattered all over my cabinet this morning...possibly strawberry yogurt???

Our First Colts Game

Brian and I had the opportunity to attend a Colts game yesterday with some friends. This was our first professional sports game. It was awesome!

When the game was over, we had quite a walk back to where we were parked, but it was pretty neat because the police shut down all of the streets surrounding the stadium. There was just this big mass of celebrating blue walking down the middle of the streets, with a bit of smack-talking red mixed in here and there. But Colts fans and 49's fans alike showed good sportsmanship throughout the entire day.

But what I noticed the most were the people sitting along side the streets, cup in hand, asking for a few coins, the guy playing the beat up saxophone with a cardboard box at his feet asking for a donation. I can't begin to imagine what that must feel like. I've heard people on the street say they feel like animals, ashamed to be seen.

There were over 40,000 people that came out of that stadium. Over 40,000 that paid at least $40 for a ticket, $10 for a souvenir, $10 for a hamburger and a drink. It boggles my mind at how much money was spent inside that stadium for 5 hours of entertainment. How many of that 40,000 do you think stopped to say a kind word, to add a few coins to those cups?

After we made our way back to our car and out onto the road, we were stopped in traffic along one street. I watched at the corner as two people, one a woman and the other a man, stood along side one another selling cheap souvenir necklaces for a dollar. I wondered if there was tension between them as they competed for business. I watched as group after group walked by, not even glancing at what they were selling, but I noticed one couple as they crossed the street headed towards us. They were young, looked well-to-do, and quite honestly in my mind I thought no way would she bother with a cheap bead necklace.

But I saw her look. I saw her think. She hesitated as she walked by. I saw her pull out her wallet and grab a couple of dollars. Then she pulled her husband and backtracked back to the man. I heard her talking to the guy (the driver's window was down so we could hear what the cops were telling everyone in front of us). Then she picked two. The guy selling the beads nervously picked the two she had asked for out of the mass and handed them to her and she thanked him and went on.

Then I watched as the other woman who was there selling smiled excitedly and said "way to go" and they high fived one another. They weren't competing. They were supporting.

We are often so quick to judge. We are often caught up in our own little world, our own moment, too busy to notice, too hurried to care, too caught up in our opinions to take a moment's notice of what is behind the exterior.

That one woman took a moment. That one moment touched not just the two on the street, it touched me. I hope it does the same for you.