He's an Old Man

It was 11 years ago today, on a beautiful Thursday afternoon. I was sitting on the tailgate of Brian's truck watching him build a dock in our new pond when the first pain hit.

The next morning, things weren't going well. I was hearing hushed voices speaking of "emergency c-sect" and the sort. I could tell my doc was nervous. But thank the Lord, and my determined doc, Alex Brian came into the world at 7:24 am.

It wasn't long before everyone noticed things weren't right. And before I could even do much more than take a glance, they had whisked Alex away. The duct that is supposed to shunt blood to the lungs after delivery wasn't working like it should, not to mention he had had a very traumatic birth.

A pediatrician on staff came in to talk to me with big scary words and veiled hints of the bad things that we might be facing.

But once again, thanks to God, we got to take our incredibly beautiful baby boy home Sunday morning. His one flaw was a flipped up ear (not that I thought that a flaw, it's a family trait!) that some doc had done "surgery" on by shaving a spot on his head and taping a piece a tape over it to hold it down. $125 for that piece of tape (that we didn't consent to!).

Anyways, now I have a healthy, awesomely amazing 11-year-old who is incredibly smart, funny, gifted at guitar and apparently target practice, who loves to lead and teach, with a big ol' heart, who loves God, and who most times gets along amazingly well with his little sister.

Happy Birthday Booger!!!!

How Sweet the Sound

Sunday night falls again. I'm usually not ready at all for Monday, but seeing as my kids have been home sick since Thursday and I actually have an entire day off and to myself tomorrow-bring on Monday!!....and some good thunderstorms would be a great bonus.....

As the weekend draws to a close, I have pulled the "Holy Ghost Lever" and put my feet up in my recliner (don't ask) and am sitting here enjoying my son's amazing new found ability at creating blues on the guitar, I realize I have much unforgiveness in my heart. I have held onto unforgiveness towards some people in my life that hurt me dearly. It's easy to rationalize it with "they don't deserve it" and "why should I be the first to make amends when they did the hurting?".

Of course if it were all laid out on the table by God right at this very moment, He in turn would tell me there is nothing I have ever done in my life that He hasn't forgiven me for, and if someone like me can be forgiven, who am I to hold a grudge?

I am currently reading a book by Phillip Yancey. Actually it's a two-fer deal-Where's God When it Hurts/What's so Amazing About Grace? I would like to leave an excerpt that I read this evening:

At last I understood: in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out.
When Joseph finally came to the place of forgiving his brothers, the hurt did not disappear, but the burden of being their judge fell away. Though wrong does not disappear when I forgive, it loses its grip on me and is taken over by God, who knows what to do. Such a decision involves risk of course: the risk that God may not deal with the person as I would want.
I never find forgiveness easy, and rarely do I find it completely satisfying. Nagging injustices remain, and the wounds still cause pain. I have to approach God again and again, yielding to him the residue of what I thought I had committed to him long ago. I do so because the Gospels make clear the connection: God forgives my debts as I forgive debtors. The reverse is also true: Only by living in the stream of God's grace will I find the strength to respond towards others.
A cease fire between human beings depends upon a cease fire with God.


Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us more, and grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.-Phillip Yancey.

A Different Joseph

I'm glad there were so many nonperfect people in the Bible. They all had their hangups, they all made blunders-some made some really big ones. Yet God loved them anyways. God used them in spite of themselves.
One character in particular that I am fascinated with at the moment is Joseph. Not the Joseph with the fancy coat, not Joseph the father of Jesus. No I'm interested in a rich guy named Joseph from Arimathea.
It's not that he was rich. It's more his position. Joseph of Arimathea was a prominent and well-respected member of the Sanhedrin, the Jewish council that condemned Jesus.
But again it is even more than that.
Joseph of Arimathea was a secret disciple of Jesus.
There isn't a whole lot about who he was in the Bible. Just a sentence or two. But those sentences say alot.
Luke tells us he did not consent to the decision and action of the council. Yet he kept his following quiet. Did he speak up at any time during the Sanhedrin's trial of Jesus? Did he tell them what they were doing was wrong? Did he storm out in anger when the decision was made? Did he plead a headache and home sick that day and hide out at home?
We don't know. All the scriptures tell us is he was a good and upright man who did not agree with what they did. But because of his fear of the Jews, he kept his discipleship quiet.
Sounds kind of like one of my other favorite people of the Bible-the disciple Peter-who also was too afraid to take his opportunity to make a stand, but who also was given an amazing opportunity to do something great for God in spite of himself.
However, after Jesus died, Joseph stepped out bravely and went before Pilate to ask for Jesus' body.
Can you even begin to imagine what that must have been like? Not just the sweaty trembling moment of stepping up to do the right thing, but to have the honor of preparing his savior's body for burial. I can just see him, bent over Jesus' lifeless form, cleaning each of his bloody wounds with loving hands, remorseful tears for what he had done and not done pouring down his face. How much regret did he feel as he wrapped that precious body in linen cloths-as he carried it to his very own tomb?
Did he wonder if God could ever forgive him? Did he agonize over whether or not his decisions changed anything?
The best way to sum it up I think is a quote from Sheila Walsh, one of the wonderful ladies from the Women of Faith conferences: How beautiful is that kind of trust from God: to allow one, even a doubting, fearful one, to hold the broken Christ, the Christ broken for you and me, in his hands.
Mercy and grace never fail.

Proud!...,Oh You Mean Me?

Our Sunday school lesson this morning was on pride. Proverbs tells us that "the Lord detests a proud heart."

I was convicted to the very bottom of my heart by non other than my husband. His question to the class was, "Is it possible for a Christian to be proud of being a Christian?".

So Brian and I have been discussing this evening the line between pride and having joy for what God has given us, and about appreciating where you are but knowing that nothing would be what it is in your life without His grace and mercy. And about giving the glory to Him in what you do, but being responsible to do the best with what you have been given.

There is much I thank God for every day of my life. More than anything I give Him thanks that He has brought me back from a place where I had almost lost all faith. I know that that was completely by His grace and mercy. And I also know that He has blessed our little home tremendously and that it is by the grace of God only that I do what I do in my job.

But I think I've been dangerously close to becoming proud in the label of being a Christian. I think I've been more like the Pharisee that thanked God for where he was than the tax collector who asked God to forgive him for where he wasn't.

I began to realize that last night when a friend (who has it way more together in her walk with God) told me that she tried really hard not to "mess up Alex too bad" when he went with her kids to the go-cart track. Her son had said "crap" twice but other than that it went well.

And my thought was -Seriously??? Do I really act like I have it that together as a mother? As a Christian? Am I really putting on such a show? I'm a train wreck. I screw up daily, minute by minute.

So it has been with a very sad heart this evening that I have found myself. And another round of beating myself up that I fall so very short. But this verse gives hope:

Isaiah 57: 15, 18. I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite...I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide and restore comfort to him.

Websters definition of contrite means regretful, sorrowful, having repentance. A contrite heart fixes its wrongs. And the definition of revive is to bring back to consciousness, to renew spirit to.

He has seen my ways, but he will heal my heart and continue to guide.

And as one lady in the class paraphrased from a poem-I'm not proud that I'm a Christian, I'm a Christian because I'm in desperate need.

The Supreme Climb

From Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest:

"Take now your son..and offer him...as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you" -Genesis 22:2.

A person's character determines how he interprets God's will. Abraham interpreted God's command to mean that he had to kill his son, and he could only leave this traditional belief behind through the pain of a tremendous ordeal. God could purify his faith in no other way. If we obey what God says according to our sincere belief, God will break us from those traditional beliefs that misrepresent Him. There are many such beliefs which must be removed-for example, that God removes a child because his mother loves him too much. That is the devil's lie and a travesty of the true nature of God. If the devil can hinder us from taking the supreme climb and getting rid of our wrong traditional beliefs about God, he will do so. But if we will stay true to God, God will take us through an ordeal that will serve to bring us into a better knowledge of Himself.

The great lesson to be learned from Abraham's faith in God is that he was prepared to do anything for God. He was there to obey God, no matter what contrary belief of his might be violated by his obedience. Abraham was not devoted to his own convictions. If you will remain true to God, God will lead you directly through every barrier and right into the inner chamber of the knowledge of Himself. But you must always be willing to come to the point of giving up your own convictions and traditional beliefs. Don't ask God to test you. Never declare as Peter did that you are willing to do anything, even "to go...both to prison and to death". Abraham did not make any such statement-he simply remained true to God, and God purified his faith.

My Morning Wake Up Call

I learned a little, or maybe a lot, about the grace of God this morning.


A 6:28 am phone call can tell you a lot about where you are/aren't as far as being more Christ-like.


No, not one of those scary middle of the night phone calls you dread, a 6:28 am phone call from the Lowes delivery department wanting to know if I want half my order delivered today because the other half isn't in yet. Six...twenty-eight...am.


A point I thought was already discussed at much length the day I told them to deliver the half that wasn't on special order Tuesday morn.


Apparently Lowes has a lack of communication within the organization.


It may not have been quite so traumatizing had I not ran into my shut bedroom door on the way to the kitchen to hunt down the phone. It may have been better had I not ran into the kitchen door facing. It could have possibly even turned out ok had I not also ran into the hall table.


Anyways, I didn't manage to make it to the phone in time. Her voicemail didn't make her sound all that pleasant, which baffled me. How could anyone possibly think I would get to the phone on time at....6:28 am.


Sooooo....I called back. Which she wanted me to do....immediately upon getting her message. Only to find....at 6:35 am the Lowes store tells you by way of the lovely electronic greeting that they do not open until 6:30 am. Huh.


Needless to say I wasn't in overly good humor by the time I actually got in touch with this woman.


And I felt bad about it. Really bad. Especially since when I turned on the tv to watch Joyce Meyers 6:30 program (which I actually always do, this lady did me a favor by not letting me oversleep) it was all about being graceful when your angry.


Huh. Ouch. My toes are being not just stepped on, but down right stomped on. I felt really bad about how I had treated her. I may have been responsible for completely messing up her day. She was just doing her job.


So I decide to tell the delivery guys to apologize for me. That apparently wasn't enough, because at 7:10 she called back to let me know exactly when they would be here. And so there was my chance, like a big flashing neon billboard as Christy would say.


And I took it. And by the time I ended the call we were both laughing. She was actually a nice and gracious lady.


And did I also mention that part of Joyce's program this morning was about how God will give you the grace to get through and do that which he asks of you?

My Utmost

Worrying means we are saying to God "I know your intent is to leave me unprotected and vulnerable".

Remember your capacity and capability in spiritual matters is based on the promises of God.

Learn to live by what you see and experience on the mountaintop. It is the mountaintop experiences with God that we hang on to during the "gray" days.


-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Fly Like an Eagle

Do you know what eagles do when it storms?



They get excited.



They aren't like other birds.



You see, when it storms most birds take to the trees, hiding out till the raging dies down.



But not the eagle.



The eagle is a bit different. It looks forward to the storm. When a storm comes, the eagle spreads its wings, locking them out, taking advantage of the wind to pick it up and carry the eagle higher and higher until eventually it rises above the stormclouds.



There it soars, looking down on the raging dark storm, resting its wings in the warm sunlight until the storm moves on.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.-Isaiah 40:31

Easter Weekend

It was a wonderful Easter weekend for us.

Alex had his first dance Friday night. I went in to pick him up and there he was out on the floor slow dancing with a girl. Ouch. My baby is growing up. He just looked at me a smiled, but as soon as the song ended he was right there by my side. That made mom feel a little better.

Brian, Ashten and I spent the evening eating ice cream and walking along Boggs beach.
Saturday Ashten had her first birthday party. We rode along with her favorite boy in the world, for this week at least, and his mom.

Easter morning we decided to go to sunrise service. I've never been to one before, and it was awesome! We had to get up at 5 because the kids insisted on seeing what goodies were waiting for them. No sooner had Ashten seen her basket then she turned it upside down and dumped everything on the couch because Easter eggs have to be placed in the Easter basket when found! The Easter bunny sure had worked hard to get everything in there just so-so. The Easter bunny also had unfortunately found out late the night before that ants had found the stash, and somehow also missed all the prefilled plastic eggs to hide. (Which meant an impromptu Sunday evening egg hunt when mom found where he had left them).

When we got home from church the kids decided they wanted to hide eggs for us. Unfortunately the dog decided she really like the taste of boiled eggs, and halfway through the hunt Brian claimed she was chomping down on the last one to be found. Since he couldn't prove it I said no possession=you can't count it. Luckily for us I have absolutely no competitive spirit and conceded gracefully to "losing" when Brian pouted like a kid.

Later we had dinner at my Grandma's and another egg hunt for all the cousins. I was sitting on the porch petting my cousin's dog and talking with my mom when my adorable two-year-old niece came out to leave with her parents. I asked for a kiss bye-bye and she leaned down and kissed to dog, who of course licked her on the mouth. Then she came to me (I guess I don't rank as high) but at that point I told her I'd settle for just getting to kiss her forehead.

That evening we headed down to the neighbors to visit and then some friends dropped by later with Easter candy for all of us. Judging from the way Brian is going after it at the present I doubt the kids will ever see any of it. I'm sure that will go over well when they get home from school.

Grace