Monday Thoughts

Exodus 33 was my reading this morning. I can't say I've ever given much thought to this passage in the past, it always seemed a little anticlimactic after the whole golden calf thing. But today I found myself really studying it.

In it God told the Israelites they could still have the blessing of their promised land, even after their recent debacle of worshiping a calf while Moses was on the mountain receiving the Ten Commandments, but He wouldn't be coming along Himself.

What a test. They could have their blessing, but without God. Would they go about their merry way, content, or would they refuse to go without the presence of God?

If they pleaded for God's presence it would show a genuine heart for Him.

A first step to revival. A genuine hunger for His face, not just His hands.

What about me? Do I want an easy road full of blessings without genuinely knowing God? What am I willing to give up for that? Is having the fellowship with God infinitely more important to me than any blessing? Things, money, people, power, career, service, prestige? What is in my life that I think I've given to God but really haven't? Is He first in absolutely everything? Do I genuinely seek Him, or the emotional experience?

Now What?

Huh, it's been over a year since I have visited the blogger world.

Much has happened since then.

A whole school year has come and gone. Along with first boyfriends and girlfriends.

We had a vacation in Florida and got up close and personal with wild alligators and a shark. And all got wonderful sunburns.

Somehow we have acquired two guinea pigs, Lucy and Ginger (we are suckers for old movies around here), two hamsters affectionately named Brown One and White One (nothing else seemed to fit), and a dog not so affectionately named Bowski (the movie The Big Lebowksi rocked).

Brian had a horrible accident at work a year ago next November and lost part of the first and second fingers on his right hand. It has been a tough adjustment. He attended the Emmaus walk shortly after and has since worked one and his relationship with God and our marriage have grown amazingly.

We also learned we tend to text more than a couple of teenagers when we spend the night apart.



And I have made the decision to be unemployed for now.

It is something I have wrestled with for over a year. I felt God was calling me into massage therapy five years ago, and it made little sense for to me to give it up. I walked to work, it was no stress, I got to be a part of people's healing emotionally and physically, and it was quite frankly the first career I have had that I felt competent at.

I thought it was just me wanting more time in the evenings with my kids, Brian having to spend less time driving Alex everywhere and making dinner for us.

I thought I was being selfish.

I asked for signs that it was what I was supposed to do.

I doubted those signs.

I worried about the loss of income.

I remembered trying to explain to my family five years ago why I was giving up nursing (and was seven classes away from a bachelor degree) to do something as crazy as massage thereapy when I really had no idea what I was going to do when I graduated as a massage therapist. Now I was going to have to travel that road again.

It was how I defined who I was.

One minute I knew it was right, the next I doubted everything.

I thought through it I was serving God. How could God want me to give up serving Him?

And somewhere in there I realized my service was pride.

This past year and a half, I have been really studying sacrifice versus obedience in the Bible. I struggle with the line between doing for God and resting in God. To paraphrase Oswald Chambers, "I believe God wanted me not to pursue service for God's sake, but God for the sake of His will alone. It takes a long time for me to realize that God has no respect for anything I bring Him. All He wants from me is obedience."

Still working on that.

I have received some of the most heartfelt letters and cards and words from the people I have worked with. And made some wonderful friends in the process. It's been a little bit like George Bailey. They have given me a reminder of what makes life truly wonderful, and I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to make a difference.

So from here I have no idea where I'm going. It's terrifying yet peaceful. I fear I'll find myself with nothing to do and I fear God will ask more than I want to give.

But as Charles Stanley told me recently, "Jesus rested. And He wants us to rest."

So with lots of help and daily reminders, that is what I will do.