Living and Loving Life in Pleasant Valley

We Never Fight Alone

2012-01-30T09:02:00.004-05:00

Catherine Marshall was an author decades back that became an invalid for over a period of two years due to TB. She was married, had a young child, and found herself on complete bedrest. She spent her time reading scripture and asking God all of the hard questions we deal with when life goes "wrong". She found herself concentrating on Jesus' many miracle healings. The love and compassion He had for the crowds of people always surrounding Him she knew had to be for the here and now also. If it was for them, couldn't it also be for her?
So she and her husband began faithfully praying for a miracle. But none came.
Catherine began an intense inner struggle, and finally came to the point she told God He could do whatever He wanted to do with her. Even if it meant never getting well, even if it meant remaining an invalid for the rest of her life on earth.
Catherine told God she trusted Him to love her and take care of her. She let go of her will and her expectations and put all of her faith into her heavenly Father.
How hard that is. Hard to let go of our expectations of what life is supposed to be. Hard to hand things over when we so desperately want to hang on, so desperately believe our way is best, so desperately believe our plans are God's plans and He will simply make it all happen. The inner struggle of trying to hang on to the trust in our belief of a loving and faithful God when everything is falling apart and we feel desperately alone and all faith is gone is excruciating. We read scripture and want to believe it is for us, yet doubt. We pray and feel each word bounces off the ceiling. We wonder what we have done wrong to make God not love us, to abandon us. We know no other person in the world could ever understand what torment we are in, I mean we are Christians, right? We can't show the world what's under the surface, they would think we were crazy, they would think we must not truly love God to be in this place. So we put on the happy face while we slowly die on the inside.
Catherine Marshall fought a battle. All of us do at some point or points in our lives.
To believe that God is present with us is hard when we are in the midst of the storm, so hard to see. It seems so much easier to give up. And how easy it is to tell God we are done. That we will continue to do the "christian thing" but on a personal level we are done. Thankfully He continues to be faithful even when we are not.
Catherine Marshall found physical healing. Sometimes we find when we let go of what we cherish most God often doesn't require anything more than our willingness. I can't say it always turns out the way we would like, but when we look back down that long road it will certainly show us that when times were at their worst, He was right there carrying us through to a better place. And when we get to that proverbial other side of the road we see just how He has grown our faith and love for Him. Life is a long road of hurts and trials, bad times do happen to us all. But I would rather do this life with God than on my own any day.

Look and See

2011-11-29T09:30:00.003-05:00

I was reading Acts 3 this morning about the crippled beggar at the gate. It really caught my attention when Peter told the cripple to look at him. Why was the beggar not looking?
Was he so used to the routine he was no longer really paying attention?
If the people going by didn't hesitate or slow down did he just move on to the next?
Was he not waiting long enough, or paying enough attention?
What if Peter hadn't said look at me?
What a blessing he would have missed.
The crippled beggar wasn't expecting much, just a temporary fix. He was ready to settle for much less than what was about to be offered.

So what if we aren't listening when God says look at me?

The Quiet Years

2011-11-23T09:09:00.003-05:00

Brian nor I could sleep last night, so we spent lots of time talking philisophically about all things Biblical. I'd like to say we have it all figured out now.
I could say it.
But of course it wouldn't be true.
One thing we did talk a lot about was Moses. I am so fascinated by Moses right now. Especially the years he spent in the desert. Not the years with the Israelites, but the ones he spent with sheep.
What was Moses thinking in his early life-the day he went out to watch his people labor under the Egyptians rule. What took him out there? Curiosity, pride, thankfulness he was raised a prince? Did he go out there already knowing and angered about the injustice, or did God move his heart while he watched? Did God ignite a passion in Moses out there? He saw a need and he wanted to help, to make a difference. He made a rash move, killing the Egyptian, and I'm sure it seemed right at that moment.
But it didn't turn out well. The Egyptians turned on him, I'm sure the Israelites hated him. Moses quickly saw he was a rejected leader.
And found himself in the desert of Midian for a third of his life.
And that is the part that interests me the most.
One of my favorite verses is 1 Thess 4:11- that you aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing. I think Paul must of had Moses on his mind when he penned that verse.
So what did Moses think about all those years out there? Day after day he watched sheep. Day after day he lived a normal, quiet, drudgery type existance. Did he regret? Did he wish things were different? Did he go back and relive that day often? Did he long to go back and do something? Did he worry about his people? In his heart did he know there was more?
That is a lot of alone time to reflect. That is a lot of time to realize he was nothing special. That is a lot of time to simply live life and learn.
And become very humble.
So humble that when God finally called Moses back, he was sure he wasn't God's man for the job. But God had done a great work in Moses during those quiet years. He was now equipped (even if he didn't know it) to follow God's plan and not his own.
How do we feel when we find ourselves in Midian? How do we handle the learning times?
Do we realize everything is God's timing and not our own? Do we get impatient, complacent? Or do we get quiet and listen and grow and wait?

Not Always Easy

2011-11-10T10:08:00.005-05:00

Man, when did life get so crazy?

A friend asked today how I had ever had time to work. I'm not sure actually.

Quitting has given me such a chance to focus on pressing needs with my family and kids and the people God puts into my life. A chance to focus on God more. I'm thankful I took the leap.

However, I also tend to turn some (maybe lots) of that focus into worry.

But God has promised rest.

I was thinking about that as I read about Moses sending the twelve spies to check out God's promised land in the book of Numbers. A land God had already told them was good, and was theirs. How all but two had come back speaking gloom and doom, and the Israelites began freaking out and doubting God's promise. They had the promise of God's rest, but they expected getting there to be "easy street". Not filled with people who hated them. I love what the two positive spies, Joshua and Caleb say in response: If the Lord is pleased with us, He will lead us to that land and will give it to us. Only do not rebel against the Lord. Do not be afraid of the people of this land. The Lord is with us.

If God is with us, then why do we so often fall back into self-reliance and self-focus and unbelief when the path is no longer easy? Oh it's easy to say we believe, but when things block the path, I personally tend to react with panic first. It isn't always so easy to get the words from my head to my heart. It often takes some time and lots and lots of prayer.

So I asked myself what is God's rest?

To me it is a place where even when we are faced with a walk of faith (i.e. something other than God just handing us what we ask for) we have utmost confidence in God being who He says He is-trustworthy, loving and good, with perfect plans for us.

Monday Thoughts

2011-10-24T15:09:00.006-04:00

Exodus 33 was my reading this morning. I can't say I've ever given much thought to this passage in the past, it always seemed a little anticlimactic after the whole golden calf thing. But today I found myself really studying it.

In it God told the Israelites they could still have the blessing of their promised land, even after their recent debacle of worshiping a calf while Moses was on the mountain receiving the Ten Commandments, but He wouldn't be coming along Himself.

What a test. They could have their blessing, but without God. Would they go about their merry way, content, or would they refuse to go without the presence of God?

If they pleaded for God's presence it would show a genuine heart for Him.

A first step to revival. A genuine hunger for His face, not just His hands.

What about me? Do I want an easy road full of blessings without genuinely knowing God? What am I willing to give up for that? Is having the fellowship with God infinitely more important to me than any blessing? Things, money, people, power, career, service, prestige? What is in my life that I think I've given to God but really haven't? Is He first in absolutely everything? Do I genuinely seek Him, or the emotional experience?

Now What?

2011-10-22T19:51:00.004-04:00

Huh, it's been over a year since I have visited the blogger world.

Much has happened since then.

A whole school year has come and gone. Along with first boyfriends and girlfriends.

We had a vacation in Florida and got up close and personal with wild alligators and a shark. And all got wonderful sunburns.

Somehow we have acquired two guinea pigs, Lucy and Ginger (we are suckers for old movies around here), two hamsters affectionately named Brown One and White One (nothing else seemed to fit), and a dog not so affectionately named Bowski (the movie The Big Lebowksi rocked).

Brian had a horrible accident at work a year ago next November and lost part of the first and second fingers on his right hand. It has been a tough adjustment. He attended the Emmaus walk shortly after and has since worked one and his relationship with God and our marriage have grown amazingly.

We also learned we tend to text more than a couple of teenagers when we spend the night apart.

And I have made the decision to be unemployed for now.

It is something I have wrestled with for over a year. I felt God was calling me into massage therapy five years ago, and it made little sense for to me to give it up. I walked to work, it was no stress, I got to be a part of people's healing emotionally and physically, and it was quite frankly the first career I have had that I felt competent at.

I thought it was just me wanting more time in the evenings with my kids, Brian having to spend less time driving Alex everywhere and making dinner for us.

I thought I was being selfish.

I asked for signs that it was what I was supposed to do.

I doubted those signs.

I worried about the loss of income.

I remembered trying to explain to my family five years ago why I was giving up nursing (and was seven classes away from a bachelor degree) to do something as crazy as massage thereapy when I really had no idea what I was going to do when I graduated as a massage therapist. Now I was going to have to travel that road again.

It was how I defined who I was.

One minute I knew it was right, the next I doubted everything.

I thought through it I was serving God. How could God want me to give up serving Him?

And somewhere in there I realized my service was pride.

This past year and a half, I have been really studying sacrifice versus obedience in the Bible. I struggle with the line between doing for God and resting in God. To paraphrase Oswald Chambers, "I believe God wanted me not to pursue service for God's sake, but God for the sake of His will alone. It takes a long time for me to realize that God has no respect for anything I bring Him. All He wants from me is obedience."

Still working on that.

I have received some of the most heartfelt letters and cards and words from the people I have worked with. And made some wonderful friends in the process. It's been a little bit like George Bailey. They have given me a reminder of what makes life truly wonderful, and I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to make a difference.

So from here I have no idea where I'm going. It's terrifying yet peaceful. I fear I'll find myself with nothing to do and I fear God will ask more than I want to give.

But as Charles Stanley told me recently, "Jesus rested. And He wants us to rest."

So with lots of help and daily reminders, that is what I will do.

Neon tangerines and Moose Tracks

2010-07-24T15:32:00.006-04:00

Ashten and I are redoing her bedroom. I put it off forever, because quite honestly I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything lately. But we went and looked at paint colors last night.

Oh my she has an affinity for extremely bold colors, which is funny since I painted her room pale yellow when we moved up to a big girl bed. And the more colors, the better. At one point she had picked out bright orange with some name like neon tangerine and a deep purple along with some sea-like color of blue and was headed for the green shades when I had to stifle her artistic talents and intervene.

But it got me to remembering when we had our house built, the guy who came in to paint our walls was just flabbergasted at my "wild" color choices (that was before it was okay to put purple on your walls). And then the time when my 5th grade teacher called my parents in because she was concerned about my flamboyantly outlandish style.

We are a lot alike.

So we have decided on blue and 2 shades of purple. Hmm... (my bedroom is about to have a red stripe across one wall, so I guess I can't say too much). Anyways we spent the day scraping borders and rearranging furniture. She turned up the tunes and it was such a good mother daughter thing. Lovin' it!

Anyways, a friend of mine was telling me about an encounter at the grocery store earlier today.

She was behind an elderly lady in line. My friend only had a few things, and the lady tried to let her go in front. She said she declined, but was honestly wishing she hadn't because this lady was in no hurry to get anywhere.

Then the thought occurred to her that she should find this elderly lady outside and help her unload everything into her car. My friend kept telling herself how silly that was, the lady was perfectly capable, and besides, one of the things this friend had come in for was ice cream. Which in 95 degree heat she would be lucky to get it home before it turned to milk all over the back of her car.

However, she found herself stalling as she put her groceries in the backseat, searching the older woman out-and of course it was all the way across the lot. Once again telling herself this lady probably would not appreciate being told she needed any help, her feet made their way over to the lady's car, and she put her groceries in the trunk and returned her cart for her.

My pal told me the lady was kind and appreciative, but she still couldn't help wondering what the whole thing was all about as she climbed into her own car.

But the first thing she heard on the radio as she pulled out was this:

You think any good deed is too small? Well it's not. Someone sees it and smiles.

Swimming Lessons

2010-07-21T14:00:00.003-04:00

Here is the gist I got from some reading the other day on righteousness and Christian faith:

Imagine the entire human race is standing on the California coast preparing for a contest. The contest is a swimming race to Hawaii.

As the gun fires, everyone jumps in. About twenty five miles in front is a professor. She's a good person, trys to do what is right, has good morals, gives what she can to others, but would be the first to say she is far from perfect. About ten miles behind her is a man. He's an average sort of guy, blue collar. He gets in scrapes from time to time, cheats and lies occasionally, but all in all he's ok. And a few hundred feet off shore, struggling to stay afloat, is a derelict. There just isn't much good about this guy.

Now scattered throughout all these folks is the rest of the human race. We can see there is an obvious difference in the distances between the first person and the last. An enormous one. But really and truly, what's the difference in terms of getting to Hawaii from California? In the end all are going to drown.

A set of swimming instructions won't help at this point. We need someone who will take us to Hawaii, because even if we know exactly how to get there by way of instruction, there is no way we can actually manage it.

We cannot live perfect lives. We can try to always do the right thing, live the right kind of life, but there isn't a single one who isn't going to fail and drown in some way. Which means we aren't going to make it to heaven on our own. And all other religions are essentially those swimming instructions, suggested codes of ethics for living a good life.

But our main problem is not in not knowing what we are supposed to do, it is actually lacking the power to do so.

However, we have someone who because of His death and resurrection for us, does for us what we cannot possibly do ourselves.

Senior Moments

2010-07-16T13:34:00.003-04:00

I met a stranger recently. Someone I will most likely never see again. He was a jovial, friendly, kind, lovely senior citizen, his manners wonderful. He's the kind of guy that makes people happy just being near, always upbeat.
Yet, as we talked in our short time together, he showed me a side I'm sure few who know him get to see. He told me he would rather be that way than bring people down. But as we talked he began to open up about his fears and feelings, all the things that were on his mind. I could tell they were things he didn't want to bother his family with, cause them to worry.
He had such a beautiful God-loving spirit, it still brings me to tears to think about him. Someone with such a love for those around him, he refused to be anything but positive.
I think about how he talked with me, a complete stranger, and wonder how many times I've been so completely self absorbed that I didn't take time to really notice those around me, give them a chance to be anything other than what I expect them to be.

Podcast Prayer Request

2010-07-12T09:43:00.005-04:00

I listened to a Charles Stanley podcast during my morning walk. In it, he gave a challenge. A challenge to earnestly pray for our nation for 140 days. Pray for a change in the tide, pray for whatever God leads us to pray for concerning the state of this country.

As I listened to his message, a verse came to mind. (Andrea forgive me here:)). Hebrews 10:31 says "It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." My Bible commentary goes on to state that the verse is directed towards those who have rejected His mercy.

Look at it from the Charles Stanley podcast perspective. Doesn't the Bible say that 2 or more standing together in prayer accomplish much? Doesn't the Bible say that satan has temporary free reign of the world? So would it not be a dreadful thing for satan to fall into the hands of the living God through many believers standing together in prayer for God to change the current condtion of this nation?

Hebrews 10-35 states that if we do not throw away our confidence, it will be richly rewarded.

Check

2010-06-23T09:13:00.004-04:00

A game of chess.

I am a mere pawn, of no real importance, just one of many.

I stand up and try to do what is right by and for my king, moving ahead to make it to the other side, where I become someone better, made into something more.

All the while guided behind and above by someone who already knows all of the moves I will make on my journey, someone who pushes me ahead, guiding me into new places.

Some of those places are places of ease and comfort, nothing but smooth and open road ahead.

And sometimes I find my path blocked, where I must wait and be still until a way is opened for me to move on.

And then there are times when I find myself in enemy territory, surrounded by those waiting to take me out, with no moves forward to make, and no way to turn back. Then I have no choice but to look to the one who is guiding me to show me the way.

Chess is a game of strategy and skill, forward thinking and understanding of your opponent. I'm thankful today to be the pawn, able to leave it all in the hands of someone greater.

Mercy of Our Lord

2010-06-13T09:32:00.003-04:00

The Mercy Of Our Lord
(written by Charlie Daniels)

He lets my eyes behold the beauty of planet earth
He's caused my feet to walk some paths I don't deserve
To think that I, a tainted sinner of so little worth
Enjoy the blessings of a God I've failed to serve
If only I could learn to be a faithful servant
But then the world lures me away with false rewards
Then His forgiveness passes human understanding
Be still, behold the mercy of our Lord

When the temptations of this world are just so hard to bare
And my feet slip off the narrow path again
He takes the time to listen to a fallen sinners prayer
And lets the blood of Jesus cover up my sins
There are no words which can describe His awesome power
Ten billion scribes His mighty deeds could not record
And yet He listens to the first prayer of the smallest child
Be still, behold the mercy of our Lord.

-Charlie Daniels

2010-06-04T21:05:00.001-04:00

Changing Tides

2010-05-14T09:28:00.003-04:00

This morning as I was praying for different people, I began to feel really down about the frustrations of circumstances we find ourselves in. I found myself apologizing for my ridiculous swings in moods, and wondering why I can't just find myself staying in one state for very long periods of time.

And the passage I found myself in was this:

I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that fear mortal men, that you forget the Lord your maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor? The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread. For I am the Lord your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar-the Lord Almighty is his name. I have put my words in your mouth, and covered you with the shadow of my hand. I who sat the heavens in place and laid the foundations of the earth, and who says to Zion "You are my people". -Isaiah 51:12-16.

This passage fascinated me, and I began looking up commentary for this passage. What I came upon was this:

One of the many tricks satan uses on believers is to get them to focus on their circumstances instead of their identity. How does it happen? By forgetting who God is and who we are. Our circumstances change constantly. Today all is well and we are joyful. Tomorrow all goes wrong from the moment we get out of bed and we are miserable. But nothing changes in who God is and who we are. It is a matter of keeping focus on the unchanging. Are you ill? He is still your lover and healer. Are you unemployed? He is still your lover and provider. Has someone hurt you? He is still your lover who gives you the power to return good for evil. -Harry Hoffner.

Do you wonder if God hears and answers prayer? James 1: 5-6- If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

In the Chip Ingram book, God as He Longs for You to See Him , he says that God is faithful 100% of the time. He always gives us wisdom about issues when we ask. However, we can't ask him for answers as if they are simply options to choose from, that is where we are doubleminded doubters. We must ask with the intention of following what he says.

He's an Old Man

2010-04-30T07:47:00.003-04:00

It was 11 years ago today, on a beautiful Thursday afternoon. I was sitting on the tailgate of Brian's truck watching him build a dock in our new pond when the first pain hit.

The next morning, things weren't going well. I was hearing hushed voices speaking of "emergency c-sect" and the sort. I could tell my doc was nervous. But thank the Lord, and my determined doc, Alex Brian came into the world at 7:24 am.

It wasn't long before everyone noticed things weren't right. And before I could even do much more than take a glance, they had whisked Alex away. The duct that is supposed to shunt blood to the lungs after delivery wasn't working like it should, not to mention he had had a very traumatic birth.

A pediatrician on staff came in to talk to me with big scary words and veiled hints of the bad things that we might be facing.

But once again, thanks to God, we got to take our incredibly beautiful baby boy home Sunday morning. His one flaw was a flipped up ear (not that I thought that a flaw, it's a family trait!) that some doc had done "surgery" on by shaving a spot on his head and taping a piece a tape over it to hold it down. $125 for that piece of tape (that we didn't consent to!).

Anyways, now I have a healthy, awesomely amazing 11-year-old who is incredibly smart, funny, gifted at guitar and apparently target practice, who loves to lead and teach, with a big ol' heart, who loves God, and who most times gets along amazingly well with his little sister.

Happy Birthday Booger!!!!

How Sweet the Sound

2010-04-25T21:11:00.002-04:00

Sunday night falls again. I'm usually not ready at all for Monday, but seeing as my kids have been home sick since Thursday and I actually have an entire day off and to myself tomorrow-bring on Monday!!....and some good thunderstorms would be a great bonus.....

As the weekend draws to a close, I have pulled the "Holy Ghost Lever" and put my feet up in my recliner (don't ask) and am sitting here enjoying my son's amazing new found ability at creating blues on the guitar, I realize I have much unforgiveness in my heart. I have held onto unforgiveness towards some people in my life that hurt me dearly. It's easy to rationalize it with "they don't deserve it" and "why should I be the first to make amends when they did the hurting?".

Of course if it were all laid out on the table by God right at this very moment, He in turn would tell me there is nothing I have ever done in my life that He hasn't forgiven me for, and if someone like me can be forgiven, who am I to hold a grudge?

I am currently reading a book by Phillip Yancey. Actually it's a two-fer deal-Where's God When it Hurts/What's so Amazing About Grace? I would like to leave an excerpt that I read this evening:

At last I understood: in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out.
When Joseph finally came to the place of forgiving his brothers, the hurt did not disappear, but the burden of being their judge fell away. Though wrong does not disappear when I forgive, it loses its grip on me and is taken over by God, who knows what to do. Such a decision involves risk of course: the risk that God may not deal with the person as I would want.
I never find forgiveness easy, and rarely do I find it completely satisfying. Nagging injustices remain, and the wounds still cause pain. I have to approach God again and again, yielding to him the residue of what I thought I had committed to him long ago. I do so because the Gospels make clear the connection: God forgives my debts as I forgive debtors. The reverse is also true: Only by living in the stream of God's grace will I find the strength to respond towards others.
A cease fire between human beings depends upon a cease fire with God.

Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us more, and grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.-Phillip Yancey.

A Different Joseph

2010-04-21T14:58:00.003-04:00

I'm glad there were so many nonperfect people in the Bible. They all had their hangups, they all made blunders-some made some really big ones. Yet God loved them anyways. God used them in spite of themselves.
One character in particular that I am fascinated with at the moment is Joseph. Not the Joseph with the fancy coat, not Joseph the father of Jesus. No I'm interested in a rich guy named Joseph from Arimathea.
It's not that he was rich. It's more his position. Joseph of Arimathea was a prominent and well-respected member of the Sanhedrin, the Jewish council that condemned Jesus.
But again it is even more than that.
Joseph of Arimathea was a secret disciple of Jesus.
There isn't a whole lot about who he was in the Bible. Just a sentence or two. But those sentences say alot.
Luke tells us he did not consent to the decision and action of the council. Yet he kept his following quiet. Did he speak up at any time during the Sanhedrin's trial of Jesus? Did he tell them what they were doing was wrong? Did he storm out in anger when the decision was made? Did he plead a headache and home sick that day and hide out at home?
We don't know. All the scriptures tell us is he was a good and upright man who did not agree with what they did. But because of his fear of the Jews, he kept his discipleship quiet.
Sounds kind of like one of my other favorite people of the Bible-the disciple Peter-who also was too afraid to take his opportunity to make a stand, but who also was given an amazing opportunity to do something great for God in spite of himself.
However, after Jesus died, Joseph stepped out bravely and went before Pilate to ask for Jesus' body.
Can you even begin to imagine what that must have been like? Not just the sweaty trembling moment of stepping up to do the right thing, but to have the honor of preparing his savior's body for burial. I can just see him, bent over Jesus' lifeless form, cleaning each of his bloody wounds with loving hands, remorseful tears for what he had done and not done pouring down his face. How much regret did he feel as he wrapped that precious body in linen cloths-as he carried it to his very own tomb?
Did he wonder if God could ever forgive him? Did he agonize over whether or not his decisions changed anything?
The best way to sum it up I think is a quote from Sheila Walsh, one of the wonderful ladies from the Women of Faith conferences: How beautiful is that kind of trust from God: to allow one, even a doubting, fearful one, to hold the broken Christ, the Christ broken for you and me, in his hands.
Mercy and grace never fail.

Proud!...,Oh You Mean Me?

2010-04-18T19:12:00.006-04:00

Our Sunday school lesson this morning was on pride. Proverbs tells us that "the Lord detests a proud heart."

I was convicted to the very bottom of my heart by non other than my husband. His question to the class was, "Is it possible for a Christian to be proud of being a Christian?".

So Brian and I have been discussing this evening the line between pride and having joy for what God has given us, and about appreciating where you are but knowing that nothing would be what it is in your life without His grace and mercy. And about giving the glory to Him in what you do, but being responsible to do the best with what you have been given.

There is much I thank God for every day of my life. More than anything I give Him thanks that He has brought me back from a place where I had almost lost all faith. I know that that was completely by His grace and mercy. And I also know that He has blessed our little home tremendously and that it is by the grace of God only that I do what I do in my job.

But I think I've been dangerously close to becoming proud in the label of being a Christian. I think I've been more like the Pharisee that thanked God for where he was than the tax collector who asked God to forgive him for where he wasn't.

I began to realize that last night when a friend (who has it way more together in her walk with God) told me that she tried really hard not to "mess up Alex too bad" when he went with her kids to the go-cart track. Her son had said "crap" twice but other than that it went well.

And my thought was -Seriously??? Do I really act like I have it that together as a mother? As a Christian? Am I really putting on such a show? I'm a train wreck. I screw up daily, minute by minute.

So it has been with a very sad heart this evening that I have found myself. And another round of beating myself up that I fall so very short. But this verse gives hope:

Isaiah 57: 15, 18. I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite...I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide and restore comfort to him.

Websters definition of contrite means regretful, sorrowful, having repentance. A contrite heart fixes its wrongs. And the definition of revive is to bring back to consciousness, to renew spirit to.

He has seen my ways, but he will heal my heart and continue to guide.

And as one lady in the class paraphrased from a poem-I'm not proud that I'm a Christian, I'm a Christian because I'm in desperate need.

The Supreme Climb

2010-04-16T08:11:00.005-04:00

From Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest:

"Take now your son..and offer him...as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you" -Genesis 22:2.

A person's character determines how he interprets God's will. Abraham interpreted God's command to mean that he had to kill his son, and he could only leave this traditional belief behind through the pain of a tremendous ordeal. God could purify his faith in no other way. If we obey what God says according to our sincere belief, God will break us from those traditional beliefs that misrepresent Him. There are many such beliefs which must be removed-for example, that God removes a child because his mother loves him too much. That is the devil's lie and a travesty of the true nature of God. If the devil can hinder us from taking the supreme climb and getting rid of our wrong traditional beliefs about God, he will do so. But if we will stay true to God, God will take us through an ordeal that will serve to bring us into a better knowledge of Himself.

The great lesson to be learned from Abraham's faith in God is that he was prepared to do anything for God. He was there to obey God, no matter what contrary belief of his might be violated by his obedience. Abraham was not devoted to his own convictions. If you will remain true to God, God will lead you directly through every barrier and right into the inner chamber of the knowledge of Himself. But you must always be willing to come to the point of giving up your own convictions and traditional beliefs. Don't ask God to test you. Never declare as Peter did that you are willing to do anything, even "to go...both to prison and to death". Abraham did not make any such statement-he simply remained true to God, and God purified his faith.

My Morning Wake Up Call

2010-04-13T07:49:00.004-04:00

I learned a little, or maybe a lot, about the grace of God this morning.

A 6:28 am phone call can tell you a lot about where you are/aren't as far as being more Christ-like.

No, not one of those scary middle of the night phone calls you dread, a 6:28 am phone call from the Lowes delivery department wanting to know if I want half my order delivered today because the other half isn't in yet. Six...twenty-eight...am.

A point I thought was already discussed at much length the day I told them to deliver the half that wasn't on special order Tuesday morn.

Apparently Lowes has a lack of communication within the organization.

It may not have been quite so traumatizing had I not ran into my shut bedroom door on the way to the kitchen to hunt down the phone. It may have been better had I not ran into the kitchen door facing. It could have possibly even turned out ok had I not also ran into the hall table.

Anyways, I didn't manage to make it to the phone in time. Her voicemail didn't make her sound all that pleasant, which baffled me. How could anyone possibly think I would get to the phone on time at....6:28 am.

Sooooo....I called back. Which she wanted me to do....immediately upon getting her message. Only to find....at 6:35 am the Lowes store tells you by way of the lovely electronic greeting that they do not open until 6:30 am. Huh.

Needless to say I wasn't in overly good humor by the time I actually got in touch with this woman.

And I felt bad about it. Really bad. Especially since when I turned on the tv to watch Joyce Meyers 6:30 program (which I actually always do, this lady did me a favor by not letting me oversleep) it was all about being graceful when your angry.

Huh. Ouch. My toes are being not just stepped on, but down right stomped on. I felt really bad about how I had treated her. I may have been responsible for completely messing up her day. She was just doing her job.

So I decide to tell the delivery guys to apologize for me. That apparently wasn't enough, because at 7:10 she called back to let me know exactly when they would be here. And so there was my chance, like a big flashing neon billboard as Christy would say.

And I took it. And by the time I ended the call we were both laughing. She was actually a nice and gracious lady.

And did I also mention that part of Joyce's program this morning was about how God will give you the grace to get through and do that which he asks of you?

My Utmost

2010-04-12T10:06:00.002-04:00

Worrying means we are saying to God "I know your intent is to leave me unprotected and vulnerable".

Remember your capacity and capability in spiritual matters is based on the promises of God.

Learn to live by what you see and experience on the mountaintop. It is the mountaintop experiences with God that we hang on to during the "gray" days.

-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Fly Like an Eagle

2010-04-08T13:56:00.005-04:00

Do you know what eagles do when it storms?

They get excited.

They aren't like other birds.

You see, when it storms most birds take to the trees, hiding out till the raging dies down.

But not the eagle.

The eagle is a bit different. It looks forward to the storm. When a storm comes, the eagle spreads its wings, locking them out, taking advantage of the wind to pick it up and carry the eagle higher and higher until eventually it rises above the stormclouds.

There it soars, looking down on the raging dark storm, resting its wings in the warm sunlight until the storm moves on.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.-Isaiah 40:31

Easter Weekend

2010-04-05T15:17:00.002-04:00

It was a wonderful Easter weekend for us.

Alex had his first dance Friday night. I went in to pick him up and there he was out on the floor slow dancing with a girl. Ouch. My baby is growing up. He just looked at me a smiled, but as soon as the song ended he was right there by my side. That made mom feel a little better.

Brian, Ashten and I spent the evening eating ice cream and walking along Boggs beach.
Saturday Ashten had her first birthday party. We rode along with her favorite boy in the world, for this week at least, and his mom.

Easter morning we decided to go to sunrise service. I've never been to one before, and it was awesome! We had to get up at 5 because the kids insisted on seeing what goodies were waiting for them. No sooner had Ashten seen her basket then she turned it upside down and dumped everything on the couch because Easter eggs have to be placed in the Easter basket when found! The Easter bunny sure had worked hard to get everything in there just so-so. The Easter bunny also had unfortunately found out late the night before that ants had found the stash, and somehow also missed all the prefilled plastic eggs to hide. (Which meant an impromptu Sunday evening egg hunt when mom found where he had left them).

When we got home from church the kids decided they wanted to hide eggs for us. Unfortunately the dog decided she really like the taste of boiled eggs, and halfway through the hunt Brian claimed she was chomping down on the last one to be found. Since he couldn't prove it I said no possession=you can't count it. Luckily for us I have absolutely no competitive spirit and conceded gracefully to "losing" when Brian pouted like a kid.

Later we had dinner at my Grandma's and another egg hunt for all the cousins. I was sitting on the porch petting my cousin's dog and talking with my mom when my adorable two-year-old niece came out to leave with her parents. I asked for a kiss bye-bye and she leaned down and kissed to dog, who of course licked her on the mouth. Then she came to me (I guess I don't rank as high) but at that point I told her I'd settle for just getting to kiss her forehead.

That evening we headed down to the neighbors to visit and then some friends dropped by later with Easter candy for all of us. Judging from the way Brian is going after it at the present I doubt the kids will ever see any of it. I'm sure that will go over well when they get home from school.

Grace

2010-04-01T08:12:00.002-04:00

Forgiven

2010-03-31T09:18:00.002-04:00

Wherever He Leads I'll Go...Maybe

2010-03-23T21:11:00.004-04:00

At our grouping tonight, it was brought up that one lady felt God had really been putting it on her heart lately about following him completely. Wherever, however. Say what he wants her to say, go where he wants her to go, be completely open to his leading.

I found that interesting as that is one of two things that has really been with me during my devotional time lately. Following God completely. Saying to him, my life is yours, I'm ready to do all that you ask. Here I am, I'm not much, but I'm ready to give it a go and put my trust in you. Giving everything completely to him.

What keeps us from it? Fear? What if God wants something of me I'm not ready to give? What if He wants me to do something I'm not comfortable doing? What if I don't like where he wants me to go?

What about control? We like feeling like we have it. "Feel" being the key word. Giving up what we see as our control over our lives is hard to swallow sometimes. We like the security of being at the wheel. Quite honestly, it makes me a little nervous when someone else is behind it.

And the other thing on my mind? Revival of our churches. I read Nehemiah last week. During his time the exiles returned to Jerusalem, the temple was rebuilt, and the Book of the Law of Moses was read. The book was read over many days, for hours at a time. It was a time of great weeping as they realized how far they had gone astray. But Nehemiah told them not to grieve, to be joyous because they had strength in God. But the verse that really stood out to me was "Ezra praised the Lord, the great God; and all the people lifted their hands and responded Amen! Amen! Then they bowed down and worshiped the Lord with their faces to the ground". That is a beautiful picture isn't it? Isn't that how we should worship our wonderful creator? Does he deserve less?

I will be the first to admit I hesitate to get out of my comfort zone and praise like I should in church. As I tell my girls, it's in me, I'm just chicken to let it out. And I admit I'm ashamed of that. And I think many people feel that way, they may want to, but they are afraid to for whatever reason. But it is more than just that. How many times do we see it as a rote routine, church is just what we do on Sunday mornings because it is just what we do? How often do we prepare our hearts to walk in love before we walk in to his sanctuary and praise God for who and what he truly is? What would happen in our nation if every person in every church got back on their knees?

Do you ever wonder if God is grieved at how we treat church? Do you ever wonder if he is up there rolling his eyes every time we say "God I really want to give you all that I am, just not today. Maybe tomorrow."

Hope in the Desert

2010-03-16T09:45:00.007-04:00

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
In that day, declares the Lord,
you will call me 'my husband'.
I will betroth you to me forever,
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfullness,
and you will acknowledge the Lord.

These verses come from the book of Hosea. Beautiful words of comfort for what God can bring us through and to when our hearts are quiet and focused on Him.

In this book, God asks the prophet Hosea to marry a woman named Gomer who would never be good to him. Hosea was given a supernatural love for Gomer so that God could show Israel how compassionate and forgiving He will always be when we have turned away from Him and find our way back with repentance.

The book then talks about God's anger against the Israelites for not seeking God totally, but the last chapter says so much. In it Hosea asks that they truly and completely seek God.

Return O Israel, to the Lord your God.
Take words with you
and return to the Lord.
Say to Him:
"Forgive all our sins
and receive us graciously
that we may offer the fruit of our lips."

"I will heal their waywardness
and love them freely,
for my anger has turned away from them.
I will be like dew to Israel;
he will blossom like a lily."

The commentary sums it up so well.

When our will is weak, when our thinking is confused, and when our conscience is burdened with a load of guilt, we must remember that God cares for us continually; his compassion never fails. When friends and family desert us, when coworkers don't understand us, and when we are tired of being good, God's compassion never fails. When we can't see the way or seem to hear God's voice, and when we lack courage to go on, God's compassion never fails. When our shortcomings and our awareness of our sins overcome us, God's compassion never fails.

For a Little While

2010-03-12T08:32:00.004-05:00

Is not the Lord your God with you? And has he not granted you rest on every side? for he has handed the inhabitants of the land over to me, and the land is subject to the Lord and to his people. Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord your God. Begin to build the sanctuary of the Lord God, so that you may bring the ark of the covenant of the Lord and the sacred articles belonging to God into the temple that will be built for the Name of the Lord.-1Chronicles 22:18-19.

Is not the Lord with you? There have been many months for me when I wasn't so sure. I began to doubt I could hear Him or feel Him. There was even a time when I told Him I did not want to hear from Him any longer. But He let me know He was having none of my attitude and quite literally set me back on my feet. The Lord is always there. You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord.-Jeremiah 29:13-14.

Has he not granted you rest?- I went through a season of absolute torment. In that time I began to fear I was losing my mind and was not going to find my way back. But he has granted me a rest like none I have ever known at this point in my life. And that rest came by letting go of my own reasoning and understanding and control. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.-Psalm 91.

He has handed the inhabitants over to me, and the land is subject to the Lord and to his people. He handed me freedom from the battle I was in. And I know sometimes people get a little uncomfortable talking about satan, but never for a minute think he isn't real and in the world. But he is still no match for God, and is subject to Him. As a child of God, we also have power over him. Power over fear, depression, addictions, guilt and all the things satan likes to use to keep us down. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack.-2 Timothy 4:17-18. For He did not give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind. -2 Timothy 1:7.

Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord. I'm going to be honest and say that is the biggest part of my day, spending time with God. In some weird way, I used to feel guilty that I wasn't doing more with my day. But would I be where I am without it? Devote your heart and soul in seeking. We devote ourselves to what means the most to us. The prayer of faith-James 5.

Begin to build the sanctuary of the Lord God, so that you may bring that belonging to God into the temple that will be built for Him. Build yourself up in His word. You are His temple (1 Cor 3:16). What better way to honor God than to build yourself for the Name of the Lord?

My Sights Are On The Sparrow

2010-02-28T16:37:00.002-05:00

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? -Matthew 6:25-27

That was a verse in our sermon this morning. And at the end, our pastor sang His Eye is on the Sparrow."

Around the second time she sang the title verse, Brian started nudging. He was trying really, really hard to control his laughter.

Now mind you, this was a pretty serious moment.

I didn't get it. I may have even glared.

Till later.

You see, I have a serious issue with sparrows. Not just any sparrows, mind you. No, I generally love all birds, sparrows included. I'm rather a bird nerd.

It's the house sparrow I cannot stand. One in particular actually.

It has gotten so bad that I can pick their annoying call out on TV shows. It irritates me to the point I often have to change channels. I can hardly stand to sit on my mother-in-law's porch (she lives in town, their favorite haunt). I evil eye them in parking lots, at the park, in neighbors yards. That teeth grinding call is everywhere.

This hatred is due to one male sparrow that has been my bane for a good four years now. And it used to be he only showed up in the spring, but this year he has decided to come home early-about two weeks ago to be exact.

The first time I heard him I was sitting on the couch reading my Bible. He was sitting out in the pear tree taunting me with his annoying little chirp.

HeHeHe...Hehehe.....Iiiii''''Mmmmm BBBAAACCCKKK!!!

It all began when I decided to put out a martin house. I spent the entire summer camped out on the front porch with a 22. In the wee hours of the morn I could be found hiding under my willow tree, barefoot, shells in hand. Because sparrows like to move in on other birds, martins especially, and destroy their babies.

He was especially determined.

Have any idea how hard it is to shoot a small little bird with a rifle? My martin house was riddled so full of holes that by last summer I finally gave up and took it down.

So this year he has decided to move into the bluebird house out back.

Our relationship has grown so close that he now he follows me around. I walked to my office the other day and he followed me, going from tree to tree in front of me. Toying with me.

Brian used to try to shoot him for me, to no avail. This year he has decided I've lost it. Now he says it doesn't really exist. The sparrow is really just a figment of my imagination.

I think he is just embarrassed he has never managed to actually hit the darn thing.

But maybe I need to look at this a little differently.

Maybe I need to try looking at it from the little nightmare's point of view.

Maybe...

Let's imagine what the little sparrow has been thinking all these years.

He's a hard working man, trying any way he can to make a home for his family. No place to call his own. To top it off he thinks the wife is pregnant. He's spent countless nights wondering what to do. But then he stumbles upon this lovely little one room condo. He is grateful to the owner, so thoughtful as to give him room and board. And has provided an all you can eat buffet nearby. The landlord even put in a new ventilation system...free!! At first it seems too good to be true, he's a bit wary, and unsure that his luck could ever be so good. Can he ever truly trust that this odd character would care so about lowly little him's welfare?

But in time, even though some tough times have come and gone, he realizes this person is gonna always make it ok. So to show his appreciation he tries to make it up to this lovely, thoughtful landlord. Every morn, noon and night, he sings his appreciation, showing love and undying gratitude, following this wonderful soul here and there. He ventured away for awhile here and there, but he knew when he returned he would be welcomed with open arms.

Okay, maybe that isn't how birds think at all.

But if it is, I sure want to be a little more like him.

Maybe next time we meet, I'll leave the gun inside, and give him a smile instead.

Maybe......

Meanies

2010-02-17T21:45:00.003-05:00

The kids and I had all the togetherness we could take as this was our third day stuck in the house-loving all this white stuff. So we braved our way to McDonald's playplace today for lunch.

Things were going along pretty well. I was getting a break, they were climbing and sliding to their lil hearts content.

The next thing I know Ashten is on my lap.

Which seemed a bit strange given all the fun happening over in kid-dom.

The next thing I know she's got big tears threatening to spill over and looking at me with those awful, sad eyes.

When I could finally get her to tell me what was wrong, she said some girl had yelled at her and said some mean things. Apparently she thought that Ashten had stepped on her little sister somewhere among all the tunnels, and then this said little girl had threatened to come tell me when Ashten told her it wasn't true.

To which I told her she was going to have to get a bit tougher about letting little people hurt her feelings. Ashten has a very soft heart, and we've had this talk a time or two before.

To which she said "I tried really hard Mom, really I did, I just couldn't help it, she really hurt my feelings". This all being said with puppy dog eyes and dripping nose.

Oh my. That just about broke my heart.

About that time this little girl had seen Ashten talking with me and ran straight to her table which unfortunately was right behind me.

There were two or three moms there and the conversation went something like this: "Mom, this girl shoved her and grabbed her arm and hurt her." Hmmm. I then heard "Well if she does it again come get me and I'll go in there and take care of her." Along with some other nice comments from the other moms and lots of laughter.

It wasn't said jokingly. And I'm pretty sure Ashten heard them.

At this point my protective mommy dander was up and I wasn't walking in love with my thoughts here folks....at all.

Again later this little one came over and told them she (Ashten) kept looking at them. From what I could see Ashten refused to take her eyes off of my chin as she was still trying hard to get it together. But again another lovely comment or two was made. And she ran back to play again.

Now I had a choice.

I could either teach my girl to turn tail and run away.

Or I could convince her to get back out there and not let someone steal her joy.

And what I really wanted to do was turn around and give these ladies a piece of my mind, along with their sweetheart of a child.

It could have been a mommy-free-for all.

But that wouldn't have taught her how to fight her own battles. I can't always be there. Nor would it have set a very good example if she got to witness Mom get her butt kicked by 3 ladies much bigger than her....

With Alex's help (a little prodding and evil-eyeing on my part convinced him) Ashten went back over to play again with Alex by her side.

It wasn't long before this little girl was back at her table throwing one of the worst tantrums I have seen in awhile because she wasn't getting her way with some of the other kids.

It was quite a scene.

And while this precious princess was put into a time out, and Mom got to deal with a nasty little attitude towards herself and all her friends, Ashten in all her braveness got out there and wound up having a grand ol time with the little sister of the princess.

Ahh sweet retribution.

We had some discussion about the whole thing later in the car. And I hope Ashten came away from that encounter with some new confidence about dealing with the bullies of the world, and how to turn the other cheek while at the same time not letting them walk all over you. Along with some confidence in herself and who she is, and how we definitely can reap what we sow.

And myself? I am definitely still a work in progress.

And if you have read any of my other blogs about all of our goings-on that happen at the wonderful worlds of McDonalds and Wal-Mart, you will be pleased to know that yes, there was yet another old man sitting across from us watching the whole thing. I did get the pleasure of meeting his eye with some smiles on both our parts when the tantrum and time out happened....this time the smile was for me, not at me....

My Shepherd

2010-02-14T19:08:00.003-05:00

Our Sunday school class discussed the 23 Psalm today by breaking it down verse by verse. That was something I had never thought about before. I've said the 23 Psalm before, but quite honestly had not given it a whole lot of thought outside of the whole "though I walk through the valley" part. Don't get me wrong, I think it's beautiful, just hadn't given it a whole lot of concentrated effort.

So using some of what I learned today from a couple of lovely folks that I greatly admire (I hope they don't mind) and some of what I've thought about on my own studying it this evening I want to get it down in writing, because quite honestly as I "age" my memory has gone right out the window right along with my normal hair color...

The Lord is my shepherd- As it was so beautifully put today, "the Lord is". Not has been, not will be, not might be if. He just is everything.

I shall not be in want- Ok, well I might still want the latest greatest tech gadget or a pretty new car...but honestly, there is nothing that I truly need that He hasn't already given or prepared for me. Phillipians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ". But we need to remember there is a big difference between wants and needs, and we have to come to Him with those needs.

He makes me lie down in green pastures- He will give us rest. Rest from busy-ness, from worry, from strife. And if we don't listen the first time, He will do what it takes to get us to a place where we can. I can't begin to put into words how many clients come to see me who hurt physically, who are just tired and sick and miserable. And the first thing they tell me is "I just go go go all the time, I have all these things going on that I worry about, I'm just so busy I have no time"......We eventually will crash, He will put us in a place where we are forced to stop and take a look around. Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all ou who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul- In Revelation 4:6 it says "Before the throne there was something like a sea of glass, like crystal." Imagine a sea of glass, is it not perfectly still? Around God it is perfectly still, no worries, God isn't sitting around wringing His hands about tomorrow. As we get to know Him more, He will take us there if we let Him.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake-I always had trouble understanding the word "righteousness", then I finally got smart and got out the dictionary. It means morally upright, without guilt or sin. Oh my, oh my, who doesn't want to be there??? He wants us to follow His lead in all we do. Colossians 1:13 says "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." And what better reason to follow than to do it for God?

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me- I used to always take this literally, meaning it was only about physical death. But really I think it is so much more. One of the best things we can do is to wake up and realize satan is real. It is easy to conjure up Hollywood's images and popular culture's ideas. And that has lead us to eye rolling and laughing often times when that name is brought up. But the Bible says he is in the world today and we need to pay attention. The shadow of death is about so much more than dying. It's about all of the darkness of this world. But we need not fear it, for God has already defeated satan, all he has left are lies to use against us, and it is our choice whether or not to believe them. Furthermore, God is always always always with us. So could it possibly be one of those lies when we tell ourselves we don't feel God is there?

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me- One point that was brought up today is that doesn't mean He beats us over the head with it whenever we screw up. (Though I'm pretty sure He might like to sometimes..at least in my case when I'm just not getting what He has shown me over and over and over again.) Shepherds use their staffs to bring back their straying sheep. Sheep aren't bright creatures. They need to be led in all that they do.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies- Ok, I admit I never got this part at all. Recently I read in a book by Francis Frangipane that whatever spiritual battle you find yourself in, the battle will become your meal as whatever you are going through will eventually nourish you spiritually. We go through stuff with people, we go through stuff with satan. God has already gone before us and paved the way. I have personally found that in every trial I have been through, something good has come from it and it has made me better.

You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows- It was mentioned today that one way people used to be blessed and prepared was to be anointed with oil. God blesses us.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life- That doesn't mean we aren't going to go through stuff. Some of it is God's way of growing us and molding us to be what we are supposed to be, some of it He uses so that we can be a light and inspiration to others down the road, and some of it comes from stuff we have brought on ourselves. And some of it is just a result of a fallen world. But God's goodness and love are always readily available to us, He never leaves us. We must find the point we go beyond emotions and what we feel to just knowing we are God's beloved children.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever- One thing that I have struggled with in the past is "do we get to be with God for eternity just because we are saved?" I have had intense indepth discussions with many friends on this one. For me personally I have found that we worry way too much about the legalities of being saved and being "good enough". Being saved simply put means we have asked God to be a part of our lives by accepting what Jesus did for us. We messed up, we will always mess up, we don't deserve it, but we want to strive to have a personal loving relationship with God and Jesus made that possible. When we have that relationship, we want to be better, following God becomes more about a loving relationship between a father and child than about duty bound feelings.

One More Encounter at Wal-Mart

2010-02-05T11:44:00.003-05:00

After the kids headed out to school this morning, I decided I would make a hasty trip to Wal-Mart and beat the coming snowstorm as we are out of food-well good food anyways-and we've gotta have Superbowl munchies. Brian was off today and decided he needed to drive me in case the weather got bad.

I actually think he really just had breakfast and a good cup of coffee somewhere in mind, but I played along.

So after breakfast at Denny's we made our way over there. We went up to the deli counter to pick out some meat and cheese for Sunday's game. Brian told the girl behind the counter we weren't sure yet so she went on with what she was doing.

About that time an older feller walked up and stood beside me and asked if I had been waited on and I told him to go ahead because we couldn't make up our minds. Instead of getting the girl's attention he went into a tangent about how slow they always were there, and about how they liked to pretend you weren't there.

At this point I was a bit uncomfy as the girl behind the counter was listening to every word and giving me the sideways eye/smile.

I did the uneasy laugh and told him again he was welcome to go ahead in front of us and tried to look really intent on picking out just the right kind of turkey.

All the while my oblivious husband was having one of his famous silly conversations with another deli worker about the pros and cons of smoked turkey vs. oven roasted. They were having a good ol time beside us, laughing it up.

I guess the guy must of felt a bit guilty at this point because he then made a comment about he must just be in a grouchy mood today. I tried my best to think of something to say to lighten his load a bit, but I honestly felt about as slow and dim-witted as usual and gave him a smile and a laugh. That was all I could come up with. I wanted desperately to say something to make him feel better but...nothing.

As the turkey lady finished up our order and Brian thanked her and they did the whole "have a great weekend" thing I watched the scene play out between my moody guy friend and the first gal. She was slicing cheese a piece or two at a time and bringing them over to the scale to make a pound. He finally told her the amount was fine she didn't have to go through the trouble and keep going back and forth for him.

Guess he wasn't feeling so grouchy after all.

I wondered on the way home what that man went away thinking from the whole encounter. Or maybe the whole thing was my typical over-analyzing and he didn't go away thinking anything but how good his roast beef and swiss sandwich was gonna taste.

But I do know from my own bouts of the grouchies, those times when it is so very easy to complain about service and slow people and-ahem-those folks who just love to stand in the middle of the aisles with their carts chattin it up, it's hard not to notice when the people around you stay all friendly and gracious-like.

Especially hard when you've managed to oh-so-accidentally gently nudge their cart out of the way all the while talking especially loud at your spouse about the nerve of some people. Yep..

It's hard to be a complainer when there are lovely folks around. Well, in Brian's case lovely and usually downright goofy, choosing instead to make everyone around them smile.

Advent Conspiracy

2009-12-17T09:31:00.002-05:00

Wow. Can you imagine what the world could be like if we lived out Christianity like Jesus meant us to?

I spoke with a lady this week that helped with the county toy store program that is put on by a few of the churches in Martin County. She said that over half of the toys given to donate are given by Crane through the Marines toy program. The rest are donated through area churches. The toys value around $15. Parents sign up to shop at a certain time, and can pick two toys for each child. She stated that would be all that some children receive at Christmas. She also stated that over 400 kids were shopped for.

400. For a small county, that is a lot of kids.

I received a Christmas card from the boy we sponsor through World Vision. With it we received a letter stating that with the help from sponsors, in the area of Kenya where our little boy lives, they were able to provide potable drinking water to the schools. From what I understood in the letter, for some time they have not been able to attend because of the lack of water.

My cousin is currently stationed at a military base in Afghanistan. He oversees medical care provided there to detainees. My aunt told us a story about how many military there receive nothing at Christmas, and are absolutely thrilled to get basic necessities like warm socks, let alone a bag of candy.

On Christian television programming I see children dying daily from hunger and lack of basic medical care in war torn third world nations. Recently one program was trying to raise enough money to supply many of them with shoes to wear.

I admit I have bought into the whole materialism at Christmas thing with my kids, while donating a little here and there to ease my conscience. I believe we will go about it a little differently next year.

I urge you to look up "advent conspiracy" on the net.

King Jehoshaphat

2009-12-16T09:45:00.002-05:00

How often do you feel you are up against something that you cannot overcome? A family situation, financial woes, lonliness, sickness, pain, fear, depression.....

I find myself often battling fear of the unknown and depression. Fear of all the bad things that could come against my family. Depression especially hits hard in the winter with no warm sun in sight.

In 2 Chronicles, chapter 20, King Jehoshaphat was warned a huge army was coming against him. But instead of throwing up his hands in defeat, instead of running every possible scenario through his mind of what could happen, instead of retreating, he "resolved to inquire of the lord".

He stood up in front of his people of Judah and first gave thanks to God. He acknowledged God's power. He admitted that he had not the manpower fo face the approaching army, that he didn't know what to do. Then he stated that no matter what calamity came against them, they would stand in God's presence and cry out in distress, knowing with all their hearts He would hear them.

And what happened? God answered Jehoshaphat. "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Take up your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

I see the story of Jehoshaphat as an example for us personally on how to come to God in prayer for those attacks that come against us.

1. Know and praise His complete and awesome power.- I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation so you may know Him better. I pray the eyes of your heart be enlightened in order you kay know the hope to which He has called you, and His incomparably great power for those who believe.-Ephesians 1:17-19.

2. Confess your own lack of capabilities in handling things on your own. -My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.-2 Corinthians 12:9.

3. Acknowledge that no matter what happens, you know God is by your side-The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.-Zephaniah 3:17.

4. Expectantly wait upon Him. Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you.-Deuteronomy 31:6.

5. Thank Him. "After Jehoshaphat had heard from God, he appointed men to sing to the Lord and praise Him as they went out at the head of their army. And as they begin to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against their enemy and they were defeated."

Hodgepodge of Sparkle and Smiles

2009-12-14T10:38:00.006-05:00

Apparently there has been a price rollback.....

I just love that barn. It caught my eye some months back when we were out taking a drive.

So..this is number 100 in blogdom for me. I have no theme for this blog. I have no idea where it is going. It may just be a hodgepodge of thoughts....

I'm sitting here looking at my white Christmas tree. Yes, I said white, not pretty, snowy white or anything, just twiggy, droopy white. Alex desperately wanted a white tree a few years back. It was the only one we could find, as purple and black and pink and every other color of tree weren't around yet. So there it sits.

I'm not a designer tree person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing them by any means. Many are absolutely beautiful. (And I secretly admire all of the pretty color schemes they come up with every year only to smile and nod agreement when Brian goes on about how silly they are.)

My tree is more like this blog. A hodgepodge. But in a good way. I've begun thinking of it in my head as the memory tree, right down to it being the awful, scrawny, white pathetic looking tree my son picked out years back.

It holds an assortment of ornaments. We have the one we picked up in the Smoky Mountains on our honeymoon. Which is right after I locked the keys in the car in a very shady part of Lexington on our honeymoon night and we had to call in a locksmith....(this is actually the first time I have ever admitted it was my fault)....

I have critter ornaments from my mom (she has her own small petting zoo), ballerinas and tiny little old looking dolls from my late stepmom (who always thought I had a love of dolls-I never disillusioned her, but honestly I detest them), I have a santa and mrs. claus given to me by my aunt when I was probably Ashten's age, I have pitiful dollar store ornaments from my and Brian's first Christmas together (including the dollar store angel tree topper that I've never had the heart to replace), there is Brian's favorite one that sits atop a light so that it glows, and of course I have handmade ornaments the kids have made over the years. Though I put my foot down on the tinfoil ball Alex wadded up and gave me one year, to which he thoughtfully agreed really shouldn't be on the tree....

My favorites though are the ones the kids pick out each year. When Alex was a baby, I started the tradition that each year our kids get one special ornament. Each year they get to pick a new one...whatever they want...which makes for an interesting tree...

But it is neat to look back at each one representing a year in their life. They usually pick one representing what they are really in to at the moment. I've got a train and a dumptruck, many cats, a heart and various critters, dalmations, a guitar of course, a snowglobe, and from their first Christmases, an ornament to hold a picture taken that year. Alex's, at about 9 months, has his incredibly goofy and happy grin picture when he saw his little ride on firetruck (when the tv remote would go missing it was the first place to look) and Ashten's, at about 3 1/2 months, is of her in her bouncy seat smiling and holding a stocking hand painted with "Ashley" across the front..that is a long story involving my Russian cousin just learning our language..long story..

But the one we laugh about the most each year is Ashten's giant sparkly blue ball. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against them, it's just that it looks really out of place on our tree. All oversized and stylish, of course it is still her favorite.

Ah well. I have told them that when they move out they get to take them to put on their own trees. I can just imagine Alex's wife telling him there is no way she is putting that hideous blue reindeer on her tree. And maybe Ashten will buy a few more sparkly balls to match her blue one...

So there we have it. Blog 100. It took off in a direction after all....

Drills, Directions, and Saws

2009-12-12T10:04:00.003-05:00

Last night we went out for chinese food (well Ashten took in a to-go bag from Wendys-which we got the evil eye and hovering presence of the hostess for) then came home and watched National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, or as it is called in my house "the fried cat movie".
Brian decided he and the kids were going to make rice krispies treats. One flaw in my husband is he thinks he is too good to take time to actually read directions-on anything. He's a man, he doesn't need to read directions.
Whatever.
So I was sitting in the living room listening to the conversation going on in the kitchen. To his credit, I did hear him read the amounts on the first two ingredients. But then as they were pouring in the generic over-sized box of cereal, I heard him say "pour in all of it".
Hmmmm....
I then started hearing "this doesn't look right, they aren't gooey."
In my superior kitchen-ability voice I had to point out the back of the box stated 5 cups of cereal, not the entire box.
They aren't bad.
They aren't very good either.
We decided it must be more healthy this way because the butter and marshmallow are distributed over a very large area of cereal.
That means you can eat twice as much and not feel guilty, right??

I spent most of the night last night on the couch because of the chain saw noises coming from my husband. Now I have a killer headache from sleeping on the couch.

Yesterday we went to Lowes and bought doors n such because he is building in a pantry for me in the laundry room. Of course that somehow required a new drill, driver, flashlight combo set. And a new miter box saw.
Now my kids are having a ball in the living room seeing how long the battery will last on the drill and driver. Hmmm...
Brian says Alex is going to learn how to use a miter box saw today.
Ehhhh.......
Anyways, I'm being hounded for the computer at this point because I stole it away from Alex when he wasn't looking.
Something about getting his team prepared for Super Bowl.
Sounds much safer than saws....

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

2009-12-09T14:00:00.003-05:00

The righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus to all who believe. For all have sinned and fall short of he glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that came by Jesus. Romans 3:22-24.

That is a hard one for me to wrap my head and heart around sometimes.

For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15.

Yep, that is more like it.

I'm pretty sure we all struggle with it. For me personally, I unintentionally tend to play this little game where I do something good and then it's "hey, look at me, I did this right, I finally got it right, I'm a good person, I should be rewarded now." Only to screw up in the same area ten times over the next week. Then I feel defeated and guilty.

Then the whole thing starts over. As one lady preacher says "we keep going around and around the same mountain instead of over it".

Grace is not easy. It should be I suppose, but somehow for me it's easier to try and work my way into it than just accept it. Sometimes it's hard to imagine how I could possibly be loved enough when I continually mess up after trying so hard to do what is right. So like a little kid trying to win a parent's love, I try harder.

And on the other side, it isn't always easy to be in love with someone you have never seen. I'm getting there, but for a long time when people told me how much they were in love with God I just couldn't get it. And I often felt like there must be something wrong with me. How could I love someone who lets such horrible things happen? How could I be so in love with someone I've never even seen, never talked to in person?

So I was on the way to see a client today and heard the song that is currently on my playlist. One of the band members from Tenth Avenue North introduced the song by saying it was written in frustration. Frustration because he was always hearing people say "I could love God if he would just.....". Fill in the blank with whatever.

He then quoted yet another verse from Romans- But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

My Bible is a study Bible, so there are commentaries on many of the verses. I'm going to put some of them here.

It is not by loving God and doing good that we are saved; neither is it by faith plus love or faith plus deeds. We are saved only through faith in Jesus, trusting him to forgive us.

What relief you should feel to see Jesus offering with open arms to lift you above the ladder of the law, to take you directly to God. Once He lifts you, you are free to obey-out of love, not necessity, and through God's power, not your own. You know that if you stumble, you will not fall back to the ground, but instead into His loving arms.....I like that!!

Instead of trying to overcome with human willpower, we must take hold of the tremendous power of Jesus that is available to us.

One of the most amazing things I have learned thus far is this: I can ask for Him to help me love Him. I can ask for His help in obeying His word. I can ask for my faith and trust to be strengthened. I can ask Him for anything.

Ok, that's actually four things.

Four things I learned from spending time in prayer, in my Bible, and in Bible study with fellow Christians.

I would encourage everyone to give them a try.

A Man Called Peter

2009-12-07T20:54:00.003-05:00

We had our weekly Ya Ya meet tonight. I wish I had shared my devotional time study with them, but I didn't really have it all down in my mind till I got home and shared it with Brian.

So I will share it here.

I've been drawn towards the disciple Peter for some time now. Today I went through the concordance of my Bible and looked up and wrote down every thing Peter did in his life.

He was called by Jesus to follow him, yet he was so far from perfect.

In one very small act of obedience in throwing out his fishing net one more time after a fruitless night, his life was radically changed and became a disciple for Jesus.

One seemingly insignificant event.

One of the first things that happened in his new life as a follower of Jesus was that Jesus renamed him Peter (which means rock), and told him he would be the foundation for the church. As I looked into what all he did over the period of his life, he seemed far from someone who could ever be used in such a way by God.

Peter was an impulsive man. His mouth often got him in a lot of trouble. His faith wavered, he ran in fear. He denied knowing Jesus. He often didn't follow through with what he said he would do. He worried about comparing himself with others. Jesus rebuked him on more than one occasion. He thought following the law and keeping commandments was more important than simply loving Jesus. He had a lot to learn about servanthood. He was lazy and slept when he should have been keeping watch. He acted violently. He was predjudiced.

Doesn't sound much like disciple material.

He sounds a lot like me.

One major thing I had never realized before is that Jesus prayed for him. In Luke 22 when Jesus predicted Peter's denial of him, Jesus told him that Satan was asking to "sift him like wheat". Satan wanted to show how useless his faith was. He wanted to crush Peter and prove that he could be easily blown away. But Jesus told Peter he was pleading in prayer for him, so that his faith would not fail. And Jesus went on to say that when he had eventually repented and turned back to God, Peter would go on to strengthen his Christian brothers.

I don't know about you, but the thought of Jesus pleading in prayer for me and my faith not to waiver brings me to a loss for words.

Peter went on to become a dynamic speaker and preacher. He healed people. He brought about the church as we know it today. He did amazing things.

Peter was no where near perfect. He messed up a lot-all throughout his entire life.

Yet he was a disciple. One of only 12 called. He lived with, ate with, was taught by Jesus in the flesh. Peter was right there, side by side with Jesus. Someone who we think should have really just had it all together, I mean he was right there.

Jesus knew what he was getting when he called him. Jesus knew his weaknesses. Jesus used him in spite of them.

Jesus loved him, just as he loves me and you.

Delivery Day

2009-12-07T11:52:00.004-05:00

I am missing my 4x4 today. Badly. I felt like I could go anywhere in my QuadraDrive Jeep-but spent most of my time at the gas station. I had to cancel a client today because I fear her driveway.

I realize there isn't a lot of snow out there.

Oh the shame I feel. I don't like feeling that such a little snow defeated me.

Anyways, she is a very kind soul and we rescheduled. I wonder if my scheduled in-office client will be braver than I?

So my washer bit the dust last week. I'm sorry to say I may or may not have did a happy dance when no one was looking. I may or may not have been silently willing it to die for quite some time....

I got a huge capacity (hey I do lots and lots of sheets) front loading type. The delivery guys were super nice, but I was afraid the poor guy was going to have a heart attack on me when we walked out into the garage and my dog caught sight of him. Poor guy wouldn't come out of the laundry room. She did sound pretty vicious, and he did say he has been bitten twice already. Poor guy, thought I was going to have to lead him out by the hand. Then he looked down and realized there was another dog lying there looking up at him. He pointed to her and said "what about this one?"

He was already stressed because their GPS told them to come by way of the country over "that really old huge bridge" from Ireland. Then we told them we are only a 1/4 mile off the highway in the other direction. Poor guys.

I will admit I was overly embarrassed when they pulled our old washer out. There was an amazing pile of stuff under there. To his credit though, he let us know they have been in much more expensive homes (gee thanks) that weren't half as clean. Thank goodness I finally got around to cleaning Saturday, I mean it's only been like 3 1/2 weeks....

Anyways, this thing is quite amazing. It is sooo quiet. Well it makes all kinds of pretty music when you turn it on, but running...wow. My old one was an ancient thing that usually tried to bring the house down on spin cycle. That may or may not have been because I try to shove as much clothing in as possible to cut down on loads. Which may or may not be why the thing bit the dust to begin with.

So many buttons to push. I'm a button meister. Love lots of buttons. Oh put me in a car with buttons and I am like a lil kid in a candy store. But this thing was a bit intimidating. So many that there is a customize your wash button. Geez. May be overkill.

I kid you not, Brian, hairball and I spent a good 20 minutes sitting on the laundry room floor just watching it do its thing. Well, actually the cat is still out there trying to figure out how to get in it. (He also likes to jump in the tub with the kids on occasion, and from time to time will slip into the shower if he spots one of us opening the door).

So since I'm not working for awhile yet, I guess I will sit down with the overly large instruction book and try to figure out how this thing works.

Or maybe I'll just go have a seat on the laundry room floor and enjoy the entertainment.

Christmas Pondering

2009-12-06T21:56:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite things to do on Christmas Eve is to go outside after dark and stand and look at the stars and thank God for a baby born in a manger long ago. I like to play that out in my mind as I stand there in the cold (and hopefully some snow). (I've never understood why that is so important to Christmas considering Jesus lived in the desert.) But there isn't a night as silent and special as Christmas Eve.

I have to admit, I get a lil out of hand at Christmas. I go overboard on gifts for the kids. Each year I pledge never to do it again, and each year I do. I know better. Though in my defense, the rest of the year we are careful about having them do chores and save money for things they want. Not that that makes up for it whatsoever. But in the next few years they will be older and Santa will lose his appeal. A time will come when they will get more opportunity to learn giving is better. At least I keep telling myself that. I may be totally deluded...

I always have big ideals of perfect decorations, perfect cookies (I'm no baker), perfect family get-togethers (do those exist?), you name it. Of course it never works out that way. Too much Food Network and HGTV will do that to you.

I think maybe I try to hard to make up for the horrible Christmas' I experienced growing up. Christmas was not a joyous time in my home. Oh there were a few when I was young, but when my parents divorced when I was 4 was never the same. She remarried when I was around 9, and my home wasn't pleasant. Anger and fear ruled. Not to mention we were pretty poor. I remember one year working hard to save money to buy presents. I saved $32 by cleaning my grandparents house on the weekends (they payed well)and was so proud. I remember buying my mom an oversized candy cane (her favorite). That year I got two pair of ruffled socks and a bottle of bubble bath.

Those years have made me appreciate where I am now. My kids have pleasant Christmas memories (with maybe the exception of last year). I hope they never take it for granted as they get older.

Throat Woes

2009-12-01T08:27:00.003-05:00

It's been a rough few days. The kids and I spent a big part of our day at the doctor's office yesterday. Ashten is so terrified of going. I promised ice cream and a visit to Wal-Mart afterwards if she could be as strong and tough as she knew how.

That went ok till the NP said throat and nose swabs.

She kinda fell apart. Her little legs started swinging fast as she sat there on that big table. I knew that was not a good sign. She put her tiny fists to her eyes and fought back those tears..hard. It was just more than she could take. I held her hand and tried to get her thoughts on a different track, but man it took forever for the nurse to get back there to get the job done.

Unfortunately (and pretty stupid on my part) I had told Alex long ago of the horrors I experienced in peds clinicals trying to do a nose swab on a toddler.

He hadn't forgotten that story.

He was big and brave, and bless his heart, he really wanted to go first just to get it over with. I didn't particularly want Ashten to witness the whole thing first hand right before she had to do it.

Of course it wound up not being a big deal, and all the worrying she put herself through leading up to it was a whole lot worse than actually having it done.

So we made our trip to Wal-Mart, found moldable My-Little-Pony soap (yay me, so fun to clean off the tub) and a Delorian hot wheel (just watched Back to the Future 1 and 2). And of course a tub of Snickers ice cream, which Ashten didn't get to enjoy too much because Hairball decided to take a lick when her back was turned. The only table food he ever investigates is the sweet stuff. Smart cat. She decided she didn't want cat germs.

I'm waiting for him to tell me his throat hurts. Serves him right.

So both kids have strep. It only took a few hundred dollars for the medical world to tell me something I already knew. They seem to get it a lot. Alex got to go back to school today, which didn't particularly thrill him by any means, Ashten got another vacation day. She is snoring away on the couch at the present moment.

Maybe this means they will both be healthy for Christmas.

Holiday Encouragement

2009-11-25T14:40:00.003-05:00

I have to admit, my feelings about the upcoming holidays are mixed. Last Christmas Eve my dad had a heart attack, my grandma was admitted for pneumonia, my other grandma had a stroke, and we spent Christmas Day in the er having the kids treated for strep.

I swore off Christmas from then on.

Of course that lasted till about October. I have a habit of getting into the spirit a bit early which drives my hubby slightly crazy.

This year will be a bit different though. I no longer have my dad in my life. I no longer have my stepmom to drive me slightly buggy. There will be no Christmas dinner to make for them this year.

Tomorrow I will gather together with my family at Grandma's. Each year I wonder if it will be the last we have with her. She and my grandpa were my one constant in life growing up.

There are some I know dreading the get togethers. Some who are carrying a load of guilt and loneliness, afraid of whether or not they will be facing condemnation for past mistakes.

For them I have a story to share today.

It isn't an easy story to tell.

When I was 16 my ex-boyfriend decided to end his life. We were both messed up kids from messed up homes. He came to my house one night and told me what he planned to do. He tried to get me to follow him outside but I refused. So he walked out to his car, got out his 22, and shot himself in the chest in our front yard.

He came back into the house, and as he dropped to his knees in front of me, he told me he did it for me because he loved me.

The rest of that night is a blur of sirens and flashing lights and police questioning.

He survived, barely. I died that night.

It happened on a Thursday night. I made the decision that instead of hiding at home and making myself more miserable about eventually having to face everyone, I would go to school the next day.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Walking down those halls, facing the stares, the whispers, the pointing, it was unbearable. My friends avoided me, my teachers didn't know how to react. The guidance counselor told a friend she would like to talk to me, but never sought me out. I had never felt so completely alone.

I shut down after that. I spent much of my time alone in my room, full of guilt, full of shame. Months later I met Brian. I was so afraid to tell him. Turns out he already knew thanks to some "helpful" people around town. Thanks to him I was finally able to put away the guilt. Thanks to him I finally found a savior who completely washed away the shame in my heart.

So where am I going with all of this?

Sometimes it is hard to face people, especially the ones we love and want so desperately to love us back, when we have made mistakes, when we feel such shame for what we have done. We are afraid of their judgement, afraid of how they will react to us. It's hard to take that step and risk so much. The longer we hide, the longer we face it alone, the more damage it does to who we are.

Let it go. Hold your head high. Let God forgive you, and forgive yourself. Let God use it to make you stronger. Let God use you to be a light to others who so desperately need understanding.

A Forgiving Father

2009-11-23T10:02:00.002-05:00

It is so easy sometimes to put God on the back burner and run ahead with our own wants and desires. We can drown out that voice so easily with the world and what it offers.

And then we feel guilty. Not good enough. And we hide from His grace.

But maybe we should look at another way.

There are times when our kids are going to willfully disobey our commands, knowing the rules, knowing what we want from them. Yet they do their own thing anyways. We discipline, we punish. But we love them dearly, so we forgive and move on.

We as parents can understand and forgive our kids when they mess up because we love them so much. If we are capable of such love and forgiveness, imagine how much more our father in heaven is capable of.

A Mom Morning

2009-11-19T07:55:00.003-05:00

Whew. I'm glad all is finally quiet in my house. I had one of my not-got-it-together-at-7am mom mornings. We didn't get home till after 8 last night which just really messed me all up (or it might be more because I crashed on the couch at 9. But that's a good thing because it proves I really have conquered my must-not-miss Ghost Hunters obsession).

A blob took over my kitchen this morning. A very large, smelly blob. That is what greeted me when I came out of my den and reluctantly turned on the lights.

I'm known in my house as the "troll" because I have a real aversion to turning on lights in the house. Which is funny because I used to-lovingly-call my mom the same thing.

Anyways...a dear feller at church had given us frozen yeast bread last night with some hasty instructions on what to do with it. Well, we didn't make it home till much later and it was thawed. The instructions were to leave it on the counter for a few hours then cook it 20 minutes. Got the counter part right, then forgot about it till this morning. I'm not sure what I found was something nature intended. I was sure it was moving, and I hesitantly and oh-so-gently poked at it. It just deflated to this gooey mess and tried to run over the side of the counter. I started having flashbacks to my 13th birthday party and 11 girly girls unable to sleep thinking about what that blob had done to the unfortunate souls Steve Mcqueen couldn't save. (We watched those killer tomatoes that night too.)

Darn, I was looking forward to yeast bread.

I must admit my OCD really kicks in in the mornings. I'm up out of bed and going 90 miles a minute. Gotta get it all done before noon cause I'm worthless from noon till 3 on most days. It drives my hubby insane. He's more of a pot of coffee first kinda guy.

So I was sortin a mountain of laundry in the laundry room, trying to get lunches packed (I usually do it the night before), trying to actually get Ashten up and moving off the couch which is where I find her most mornings (she's her daddy sans coffee), something had spent the night partying in her hair, Alex came at me with his reading and vocab notes that we had already went over for 30 minutes last night, and then Ashten decided to empty her backpack and besides THAT mess now gracing my couch we had forgotten about HER homework. Guess what I was doing at the end of the drive while waiting for the bus??? And on the way out the door my cat had left a lovely present in front of the litterbox for us all to step around. Which I suppose is payback for us locking him out of the bedroom last night. He likes to sleep in our bed, but 5 am is playtime. Uh uh.

But it's now 8:10 and I'm wondering how so much can happen in one short hour as I sit here in my kind of quiet house (our washer is on its last leg, I'm drooling over the pretty colored ones at Lowes just daring mine to die).

Welcome to this thing called life. I would not trade it for anything though.

Brian and I have big dreams of retiring on Boggs Lake (ok maybe we aren't the biggest of dreamers, but it'll work for us as long as it involves a hot tub, lake view, and a boat). It sure will be quiet. I'm gonna be one needy grandma, I hope they have lots of little ones. Ashten says she isn't having babies, but she will adopt some. Alex, well, Alex doesn't plan to ever move out. He has big plans to move US out and take over the house. Sigh. As long as grandkids are part of the deal...

Course he hasn't heard about the lake house yet...

Last Night

2009-11-18T08:36:00.002-05:00

Last night I sat Ashten down at the counter to begin homework when Alex came by and asked if he could help her with it. Wow. Sure. He loves to lead and help, but man, to ask if he can help his lil sis with her homework (and not have to brag about how much more he knows) was big.

A few months back, after being completely fed up with my two picky eaters, (which I will confess is somewhat my own fault) we implemented a new chore. Every Tuesday they take turns cooking dinner. Whatever they choose, we eat. This week was Alex's turn. He decided he wanted to do it completely on his own. (Can I say I had a very lovely evening just hanging out?) It is wonderful to see him becoming more self-assured.

And I must confess I am entirely sick of mac and cheese, hamburger helper, tacos and nachos(somehow by adding cheese it is an entirely different dish). Sigh. It has given me a different perspective of how they view my dinner choices. But still....they need to branch out a bit...

Instead of sitting in front of the tv, we went out to the garage and Brian and I exercised together. It makes it so much easier with a partner. We have a treadmill (my fave), elliptical (the demon machine is what I would call it), a couple of weight benches, and a punching bag (oh so good for getting rid of frustrations). Alex got into it and decided to be the personal trainer. He's a persistent task master of a trainer. Ashten decided to try my old roller skates. Then asked me for a demonstration. Man, it has been a lot of years. I was a bit shaky, and it was a bit embarrassing. Later Brian tried a pair of inline skates his mom picked up at a yard sale. I went ahead into the house to save him the same embarrassment.

As I sat down in the recliner to do our nightly rocking session before bed, Ashten began asking questions about salvation. Alex's eyes lit up and he jumped right in trying to tell her all about it. I'm not sure we did a very good job at explaining it in 6 year old terms, but I'm so happy she is curious.

I can't begin to explain in writing the change that has come over my household since I made my way back to a relationship with God. I am so far from perfect. I get moody, I get snappy, I need lots of alone time, I say things I wish I wouldn't have, I don't say things I wish I would have, I make many, many mistakes. But I'm becoming more in love with a God who loves me anyways. And He is making a big impact on my family and the people in their lives.

For Bino

2009-11-17T08:09:00.004-05:00

I heard this song on the way home last night from Bible study. The first words I caught were "I wonder what God was thinking when He made you." Whaattt? What kind of song is that? Then I started paying attention.

Today I put this here for you honey (sorry, it isn't a rockin song:)). I love you!

When God Made You by Newsong

Its always been a mystery to me, How two hearts can come together, And love can last forever. But now that I have found you I believe, That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one. So gone are all my questions about why, And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

~chorus~
Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.I wonder if He knew everything I would need, Because he made all my dreams come true. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

(Girls)
Ooo ooo,I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you, With all my heart I'll be there too. And from this moment on I want you to know, I'll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love. (guy):So gone are all my questions about why (girl echoes):about why

Duet:Oh I wonder what God was thinking when he created you, I wonder if He knew everythin I would need, Because He made all my dreams come true. When God made you He must've been thinking about me.
Bridge

He made the sun He made the moon, To harmonize a perfect tune, One can't do without the other they just have to be together. And that is how I know its true, Your for me and i'm for you and my world Just cant be right without you in my life

Chorus

(guy) He must have heard every prayer I've been praying (girl echo) I've been praying (both)He must've knew everything I would need
When God made you, He must've been thinking about me.

Monday Morn Ramblings

2009-11-16T07:58:00.002-05:00

The Colts vs. Patriots was such an awesome game..I think...at precisely 10:25 last night we lost our satellite signal for our local channels...again. This sooo better not happen during the Superbowl. So what do we do? Thank you Lord for high speed internet! Of course written out play by play on a tiny little picture of a football field is no comparision, but man, what a 4th quarter. At 12 we were still up and tuning in to ESPN gameday highlights just to see that 1 yard fumble...rofl..

After getting the kids on the bus bright and early, I was thinking about dinner and decided it was a mashed potato night. Then I remembered I have no potatoes in the house..they are all still in the garden...and rain's a comin..so I'm just getting back from digging in the garden, before 8 a.m., in my pj's. Just call me Farmer Brown.

Then I remembered this awesome new invention I found at Wal-Mart. Potatoes in a bag. You throw them in the nuker, and wahlah, potatoes to mash. I'm willing to bet all the firewood in our back yard (which Brian and I finally got split and stacked Friday..yay) that Ashten won't touch them. She is one picky mashed potato eater. I can make them at Grandma's on Sunday and she loves them. I make them at home and she says they taste bad. Oh well. I'll call digging in the garden my exercise for the day.

Saturday a dear friend, well he was till Saturday, brought Brian a motorcycle. He gave him a motorcycle. His girlfriend took pity on me and said we would go shopping while they rode, as I looked on in fear while Brian took it for a spin. He has always wanted one. But...a motorcyle. Two wheels. Lots of pavement.

We went out to eat with my father-in-law Saturday night. We tried the new new Chinese place. Not bad. Had to take in McDonalds for Ashten. Alex was a bit braver, but he decided there are better things to eat.

How's the dog saga?? Weellll, I've got a new best friend. I showed up, he was excited. Until he found out it was me at the door. I've never seen such a disgusted look from a dog. He sort of looked at me, put his tail down, turned around and slowly walked away. Wow. Hello to you too sweetheart. But then I pulled out the big guns. A lil cheese filled hot dog. Oh yeah. I've never seen such a sweet pair of big brown eyes as that dog gave me once he figured out what was going on.

That was Thursday. Today will be my second day with him. I'm thinking we will try the turkey. I truly hope my neighbor will forgive me. The dog is supposed to be on a diet.

I'm forseeing a nap in my future.

We took the kids to the Patoka dam yesterday. I've never seen such excitement. I'm dreading the days when stuff like that is just so not cool. It does make for an awesome moment when you pop up over the top and the lake is spread out before you. I was kicking myself for not taking the camera.

Well, it's time to get into the Bible. I got so very convicted last night while I was reading. I read a passage from 1 John. It wasn't the passage itself, it was the commentary explaining the passage. Man. Oh man.

I'm so thankful God shows us where we need to improve. I'm even more thankful He loves us anyways.

Jesus Freak

2009-11-14T10:22:00.003-05:00

Lyrics to Jesus Freak by dc Talk. Who says Christian music doesn't rock??

What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?
What will people do When they find that's it's true?]

Separated, I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me I've divorced
I saw a man with tat on his big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what it said
Cause I had to match the rhythm
Of his belly with my head '
Jesus Saves' is what it raved in a typical tattoo green
He stood on a box in the middle of the city And claimed he had a dream

(chorus) What will people think When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth
Kamikaze, my death is gain
I've been marked by my Maker A peculiar display
The high and lofty, they see me as weak
Cause I won't live and die for the power they seek
There was a man from the desert with naps in his head
The sand that he walked was also his bed
The words that he spoke made the people assume
There wasn't too much left in the upper room
With skins on his back and hair on his face
They thought he was strange by the locusts he ate
The Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak
Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

(repeat chorus 2x)

People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger
People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger

(repeat chorus 2x)

What will people think [What will people think]
What will people do [What will people do]
I don't really care [What else can I say]
There ain't no disguising the truth [Jesus is the way]

She Chose Ketchup

2009-11-12T14:27:00.003-05:00

I went to Grandma's today after I finished up at the nursing home. As I was waiting for her to get the kitchen so we could have lunch together, I thumbed through one of her magazines. It isn't one I usually particularly care for, it is about the good ol' days. But one story caught my eye.
The lady who had written it was telling about how when she was little she would take her wagon around the neighborhood to collect food for neighbors in need. Sometimes she would be given money, and she would take what she had collected to the store to buy what she could. On one occasion, she was able to buy a few potatoes, onions, a box of salt, and a bottle of ketchup. She was so proud of what she was able to get.
At this point in the story I'm thinking to myself "ketchup???". Why of all things would you get ketchup? I don't get it. Of all the things she could have spent the money on.
Well, as I read on she wrote about how when the woman came to the door she was just ecstatic. She had so been wanting some ketchup (remember this was probably in the 40's). And at the end the little girl went home with tears in her eyes and a good feeling in her heart. And she ended with "I'm glad I chose the ketchup".
Huh.
Sometimes in life God speaks to our hearts to do things that don't quite make sense to us. Sometimes it may even make us seem a little odd. But He knows better than anyone what is best for us. And He knows exactly when people in need need to know He is listening.
I'm glad she chose the ketchup too.

The Two Seas

2009-11-12T08:10:00.004-05:00

I heard a teaching this morning, by Joyce Meyer, about two seas.
One is the Sea of Galilee.
It has fresh water. People come near to its shores, delighting in being close. It's water is full of life.
The other is the Dead Sea.
It is as it says-dead. It's water is so salty, nothing can live in it. People do not hover on its shores, for there is nothing there to draw them to it.
Why is one so alive and the other so dead?
The Sea of Galilee has water constantly flowing into it, and as fresh water comes in, water also goes out. The Dead Sea may take in water, but it puts nothing out. It is only a reservoir.
It is kind of like people. If we merely take, take, take, we may be growing and learning and gaining, but if we are giving nothing back, we are spiritually dead. And a reservoir can only hold so much. But if we are giving back out of what we take in, people draw near. They see there is something there to benefit from. We are full of life.
I don't want to be just a reservoir.

My Not So Friendly Neighbor

2009-11-10T13:45:00.003-05:00

So my neighbor calls yesterday wanting to know if I will come down and take care of his dog while he is away. Oh my.

This dog and I have a history. He dislikes me...intensely. Maybe he senses my deep lack of respect for small lapdogs, I don't know.

This is not your typical lapdog.

It all started a few years back. Same scenario. Go down and let out said dog once a day. Well, the first day he went out, refused to do his business. Second day, he went out, sat down, and settled in. There was absolutely nothing I could do to get him to move. I sweet talked, I ignored, I walked away, I threatened to leave him (yeah, like that scared him), I stood over him and waved my arms in a shooing motion like a complete idiot. Finally, I decided extreme measures were in order...I was gonna hafta pick him up and bodily carry him inside. I leaned in... he growled. I sweet talked while coming in closer, he growled louder. I withdrew. I'm thinking he is gonna take off my finger, and I'm already only sporting 9 whole ones, I need what I've got left. But determination set in, and I informed his cute lil butt he would let me pick him up. It worked. Barely. I kindly deposited him inside the kitchen door, and he turned around and glared with a lovely get even kinda glare. Another neighbor had to finish out the week from that point on.

A few weeks ago I took my neighbor to the vet...well, I took his dog, the neighbor rode along. The dog completely and totally ignored me like he always does, (I mean to this dog I simply do not exist) except to whine incessantly about my driving skills. Not a good sign. We got to the vet's office and I sat down in the waiting room trying to let him know it was completely not my idea to bring him there. I don't think he bought it. Now I've got the vet visit strike against me too.

Back to today. My dearly beloved neighbor (he calls me Susie-Baby and I just love it) asked me to come down. He thinks if I feed this little creature he will like me better and be more willing to do as I ask...yeah, right. Good plan. So I'm gonna go in a little while and make nice and get re-re-acquainted.

I'm not forseeing a good outcome from this. I know he has plans for revenge. I can see his lil doggy grin now....

Weekend Happenings

2009-11-09T07:14:00.006-05:00

Not a bang em up exciting weekend, but a good one anyways. Who could ask for better November weather, minus the beetles invading my front door everytime the afternoon sun hits?
Friday Brian took off work so we could do our Christmas shopping. Yeah, early, but I hate after Thanksgiving toy aisle crowds. Nothing can ruin Christmas spirit faster than bargain shopping, last minute, you mean you're sold out already, harried, toy aisle shoppers. No thanks. So after an awesomely quiet breakfast at Bob Evans, and one Target and two Wal-Marts, one Sam's Club (where I met the nicest man with the most awesome "God smile" ever, and can anyone say once a year Cheesecake Factory Pumpkin Cheesecake- dinner here I come!) and one GameStop later, we brought our aching feet home. Brian's dad had graciously agreed to be home when the kids got off the bus, and they were having a grand ol time. I had to run out with my camera at sunset to get a pic of my neighbor's beautiful Farm All tractor sitting in his field. He may have thought I was nuts wanting pics of his tractor, but I'm pretty sure he was also slightly proud. I think I'll frame one for him for Christmas.
Saturday Brian's dad showed up about 6:30-early- and they headed off for a man day. Breakfast at church and wood cutting for a fellow church member. Those guys made an impression on my father-in-law. Apparently they are the "real deal". Now if we can just get him through the front door at church.....
The kids and I attempted to do a good deed and stack our firewood. My husband refuses to do much more than lift the bed of the dumptruck and let er fly. Grr. It makes such a lovely picture in the back yard, one big mound all winter long. He has a good point, it is just extra work, but lil ol OCD me can hardly stand it not being all neat and tidy. We gave up quickly and hit the swingset instead.
Late Saturday evening some friends came over. 4 kids and 2 guitars+3 big guy kids=loud. It was a good time with pizza and music and pool.
Sunday it was off to church then Grandma's to see the family. We came home and took a walk, Brian attempted to fix the "m"and spacebar on the computer-its hard to type when they stick, and of course they stilldo-and Iwound up asleep on couch by 8:30. Too tired to even get up for Storm Chasers (DVR rocks). Daylight savings is evil....
And what do I for falling asleep? Some strange sticky substance splattered all over my cabinet this morning...possibly strawberry yogurt???

Our First Colts Game

2009-11-02T08:14:00.003-05:00

Brian and I had the opportunity to attend a Colts game yesterday with some friends. This was our first professional sports game. It was awesome!

When the game was over, we had quite a walk back to where we were parked, but it was pretty neat because the police shut down all of the streets surrounding the stadium. There was just this big mass of celebrating blue walking down the middle of the streets, with a bit of smack-talking red mixed in here and there. But Colts fans and 49's fans alike showed good sportsmanship throughout the entire day.

But what I noticed the most were the people sitting along side the streets, cup in hand, asking for a few coins, the guy playing the beat up saxophone with a cardboard box at his feet asking for a donation. I can't begin to imagine what that must feel like. I've heard people on the street say they feel like animals, ashamed to be seen.

There were over 40,000 people that came out of that stadium. Over 40,000 that paid at least $40 for a ticket, $10 for a souvenir, $10 for a hamburger and a drink. It boggles my mind at how much money was spent inside that stadium for 5 hours of entertainment. How many of that 40,000 do you think stopped to say a kind word, to add a few coins to those cups?

After we made our way back to our car and out onto the road, we were stopped in traffic along one street. I watched at the corner as two people, one a woman and the other a man, stood along side one another selling cheap souvenir necklaces for a dollar. I wondered if there was tension between them as they competed for business. I watched as group after group walked by, not even glancing at what they were selling, but I noticed one couple as they crossed the street headed towards us. They were young, looked well-to-do, and quite honestly in my mind I thought no way would she bother with a cheap bead necklace.

But I saw her look. I saw her think. She hesitated as she walked by. I saw her pull out her wallet and grab a couple of dollars. Then she pulled her husband and backtracked back to the man. I heard her talking to the guy (the driver's window was down so we could hear what the cops were telling everyone in front of us). Then she picked two. The guy selling the beads nervously picked the two she had asked for out of the mass and handed them to her and she thanked him and went on.

Then I watched as the other woman who was there selling smiled excitedly and said "way to go" and they high fived one another. They weren't competing. They were supporting.

We are often so quick to judge. We are often caught up in our own little world, our own moment, too busy to notice, too hurried to care, too caught up in our opinions to take a moment's notice of what is behind the exterior.

That one woman took a moment. That one moment touched not just the two on the street, it touched me. I hope it does the same for you.

A Perfect Fall Morn

2009-10-30T08:03:00.003-04:00

What a beautiful morning! Have you been outside? I took the kids down to the bus (of course in the dark) and it's sooo warm, and crickets are hollering! I had to bring the computer (thank you Lord for laptops and wireless!) to the front porch. We have such a great view from our porch. I can see the neighbors cows grazing on the hill, the corn in his field, the breeze blowing through what leaves are left, our pond reflecting the trees, my beautiful pear tree that looks like God poured red paint over the top. I can hear the red-tailed hawk somewhere nearby. And I love it right before it gets light, right when the night sounds are still echoing, but the birds are beginning to stir.
It smells like rain. Though right now, the clouds are actually clearing a bit, but boy are they racing across the sky. When we have a warm morning like this and it's a bit out of season, and rain is in the air, I can close my eyes and can almost believe I am in Florida. Not that I would want to be there unless it is winter because I love fall too much, but man, an unusually warm January morn and I am THERE.
This is where I see God. Nature. I love being outdoors. For Brian, I have learned recently, it is in the intricate details of nature. He can explain the perfectness of a blade of grass right down to the atom and be so passionate. I'm sitting there uh-huhing and trying to grasp it, but for him that is just it. His favorite scripture is Romans 1:20-For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. He came home the other day talking about how scientists had seen the oldest star in the universe (how they know this is beyond my understanding) through a telescope. Which just amazed him. It got us to talking about how scientists like to use such things to disprove the existance of God. If this star is that much older than recorded Biblical times, how can the Bible be true?
It's called faith.
It makes me think of Jesus' parables. He spoke in parables to confound the wise, and only those that had faith would understand His meaning. I think of the universe that way. With "human" reasoning, anyone could disprove the existance of God. If it could be proven He was real, where would that leave faith? We have to go beyond what we can see to what we know deep inside. People often ask the question: "how can every person ever have the chance to know God? There are some countries that have never heard." Since then I have heard pastors say that God gives each and every person that something inside them that searches for more. And when they search, they will find Him in their hearts. Have you searched?
Faith is believing in the unseen. Faith is knowing He is there in the unseen.

Postscript: I have to mention that after writing this the first "love" verse I looked up for the day is 1 Peter 1:8-though you have not seen him, you love him, and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.

It's All About the Vegetables

2009-10-29T09:06:00.004-04:00

Veggies. Yep, that is what it's all about today.

I have to go back to the beginning on this one.

I felt led yesterday to finally stop haphazardly reading my Bible and focus on studying love. The love God has for me. I hear it, but it has never really sunk in. Love, as one friend brought to my attention this morning is not something my past has ever really gave me a good concept of. And I had the understanding that if I finally got this concept, it would also drive out fear and doubt, which came hard as soon as I sat down to start yesterday morning (that in itself is another story). I decided to look up every verse in the Bible with the word love in it and write it down. Yeah, big undertaking.

So this morning I left a comment on said friend's blog about studying love and mentioned "perfect love drives out fear". She texted a short while later and said she had turned to that exact verse in the Bible a little while later. So we got to doing one of our morning God texting sessions.

But back up with me for a moment, yeah, I get a lil hard to follow sometimes, bear with me...This morning I read a Max Lucado devotion about vegetables. In it he said he sat three plates before his girls. One with vegetables, one with fruit, and one with Oreos. He asked which they would prefer. Well, the Oreos of course! His point was that some days we may get served a little of each on our plate, but some days it may be just vegetables. The hard to swallow days. Those are the days God uses to strengthen us.

So anyways, we were texting and I was basically whining about how I've felt kind of useless lately and have had too much time on my hands. I've been spending all this time studying and growing deeper in His word, but I just feel guilty that that is basically my day. Home alone studying. I also complained God had been a bit quiet with me lately. I told her I had had that conversation with God this morning along with the fact I'm not good face to face with people for the most part, but I really seem to have no problem pouring my heart out in writing. However, I have felt no inspiration lately. (I've learned my lesson and refuse to write about much of anything without His leading.)

Ok, with me still? About that time I looked up my first "love" verse of the day. It was in Proverbs. Ready? Better is a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred. What in the world? The Bible is using the book of widom to talk about vegetables? But here is the commentary-the path doesn't always seem easy, but look at the alternatives. Hatred, dissension, and laziness cause problems that the upright person does not have to face. By comparison, his or her life is a smooth level road because it is built on a solid foundation of love for God.

Vegetables. Go figure. He sooo has a sense of humor.

So we were laughing about it when I get a "Holy Moly" text. Some of you out there know what I'm talking about. A card had fallen from her Bible as she was reading that said "Jesus knows you...This is love." She sent me a picture of it and texted "Guess who gave me that card? Your Alex."

So is all really quiet? Nope. Am I where I need to be? Yep.

God listens to each and everyone of us. Nothing is small to Him. Just ask. Then keep your eyes open. It may all be in the vegetables.....

A Short History Lesson

2009-10-23T09:44:00.004-04:00

will be the most memorable…in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations, as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forevermore.

What in the world? This is actually part of a letter written by John Adams. This is the basis for our Independence Day. A "day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty." Our 4th of July holiday is based on God. Huh. When do you suppose government will begin treating the celebration of our nation's freedom like they do the celebration of the birth of Jesus?

Upon some investigation this morning, did you know there is no actual real law stating separation of church and state? That would actually be in direct violation of the first ammendment. It simply came about by various supreme court rulings to specific cases. Congress cannot in reality pass any such law, it has slowly just become accepted. We are slowly just accepting no prayer in school, no crosses or ten commandments in public, no God in government...

The phrase "seperation of church and state" was first coined by Thomas Jefferson in a letter to the Danbury Baptists in 1802. In the letter he was assuring them the state would be kept out of the church's business, not to keep the church out of the state's.

Our constitution actually states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." Really sounds like they had no intentions of ever keeping faith out of government doesn't it?

If you would like to check this out further, I urge you to look into All About History.org.

This country was founded upon faith. We have generations of folks growing up in the school systems learning history from history books that no longer contain God. I would also urge you to look into many books on the subject of God in our nation's history. Original Intent by Dave Barton and America's Providential History by Mark Beliles and Stephen K. McDowell are two.

What endless possibilities if we would take a stand and fight for our faith like those are doing fighting against it...

Today's Headlines

2009-10-21T09:04:00.003-04:00

I read a CNN headline today stating a bunch of atheist groups have gotten together in New York to start a transit ad campaign. It is the beginning of a nationwide rally. One of the ads states "No God, No Guilt, No Worry, Debaptise". Another says New York is doing fine without God.
Does this frighten anyone? Where are the Christians in this nation? Are they hiding? Do we care? This country is losing its focus on God. This country can and will do nothing without Him. At this point every powerful nation is going "anti-Christian". It is the third world countries who have their focus where it should be. Sounds like something I've read about in my Bible.....

Here is my devotion for the day from Max Lucado's Grace for the Moment

Do Something
Faith that does nothing is dead-James 2:26

Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. Faith is the belief that God will do what is right. God is always near and always available. Just waiting for your touch. So let him know. Demonstrate your devotion:
Write a letter
Ask Forgiveness
Be baptised
Feed a hungry person
Pray
Teach
Go
Do something that demonstrates faith. For faith with no effort is no faith at all. God will respond. He has never rejected a genuine gesture of faith. Never.

Never Good Enough

2009-10-20T15:21:00.002-04:00

I know that nothing good lives within me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. -Romans 7.

Yep, thats me. I give up something I know that isn't good in my life, only to find myself doing exactly what it was I gave up days later, sometimes even hours later. Lay it down, pick it right back up.

Will I ever be able to not do what I don't want to do, and only do what I know is right?
Not in my own strength.
Will I ever be good enough to earn God's favor and love? Can I do anything to ensure I'll go to heaven?
There is absolutely no possible way I can ever even dream of being good enough, of doing enough.

The Life Application Bible says "Being born again takes a moment of faith, but becoming like Christ is a lifelong process." "No one in the world is innocent, no one deserves to be saved."

The good news is there is no earning required. We already have it. There is more strength available to us than we could ever hope for to get through struggles, hardships, addictions. There is no need to go it alone, there is no way we can go it alone.

All we have to do is ask.

Finding Permanent Joy

2009-10-19T10:25:00.003-04:00

Today is Brian's 37th birthday. I am so thankful God brought such a wonderful man and father into my life. I never expected to have such a wonderful life and marriage. My expectations were low, but God blessed me beyond measure and gave me a soul mate. We celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary in June, and on New Year's Eve we will celebrate 17 years together. (Yeah, I get TWO anniversary gifts).

God has been revealing much lately on having joy. Not happiness, happiness is fleeting. It is a state of mind, an emotion. Joy is so much more. It is a state of being. Something we can have deep inside no matter where we find ourselves. I can't say I've totally grasped the concept yet, but I'm learning that instead of letting situations bring me down, I can find at least one thing to be thankful for in each. I've always been a very up or a very down person, depending on circumstances. I have also always been rather pessimistic. But I'm finding that ever so slowly, that is beginning to change as I learn to let go of control, let go of attitudes, let go of thoughts, and just let go.

So this morning I will write down some things I am thankful for even though the situation may not be what I want or what I expected.

I am thankful that even though it was cold and rainy for most of the weekend, Brian and I are fortunate enough to be in jobs that allow us to take time off together and take our family camping for the weekend. I am thankful it stopped raining Saturday and we were able to trick or treat at the campground, and Alex turned his very cute homemade soap costume into an ad to "stay clean". I am thankful for time spent without complaining cooped up in the camper. I actually found Alex excels at the game of Scrabble (my favorite game!) to the point he can keep up with Mom and Dad in scoring.

I am thankful that even though my wrist is in bad shape at the moment and I cannot work, I have wonderful understanding clients who understand that sometimes things happen two consecutive appointments in a row. I am thankful we do not have to rely on my pay, that we are debt free. I am thankful God is giving me this time to appreciate more just what it is He has gifted me to do.

I am thankful for our pastor's sermon yesterday, and for God allowing me to see what I saw during that sermon. I ignored that part of me for too long.

I am thankful for each and every gray hair on my head (even if I do choose to continue to support L'oreal's fruitful endeavors). Each and every one is a reminder to be thankful that I have not endured chemo, nor have my kids or husband.

I am thankful for my family, even if we are nowhere near perfect.

I am thankful for wonderful Christian friends who accept my faults, who understand my fears, who are willing to listen, and who hold me accountable. A long-awaited answer to prayer.

I am thankful to live here in my little part of the world, free, with wonderful neighbors willing to do whatever, with trees and water, deer and turkey, instead of buildings and concrete, noise and traffic. I am thankful for clean water, a roof over my head, and food to eat.

I am thankful for a God that forgives, that loves me, that knows what is best for me in every situation. That new each moment of my life before I was born. A God that will be before me, beside me, and behind me always. A God that has wonderful things in store after this fleeting earthly life is over. I am thankful for the cross.

You Are Perfect In Him

2009-10-08T11:57:00.004-04:00

One of my dear Ya Ya's sent out an email this morning. It was a blog excerpt from one of the gals that writes for Proverbs 31 Ministries about how women tend to compare themselves with others. Boy isn't that the truth! I've struggled for years with it personally, as I'm sure many of us do. God has really been bringing this issue to light with me over the past few weeks in my devotionals, in my Bible time, in my personal life. (And apparently in our next Crazy Love Bible Study:)) So once again I want to share with you and lay bare what is on my heart.

She has it soo together, her home is perfect, her kids are perfect, her clothes always look so good, next to her I feel like a frump. Her voice is awesome, why can't I sound like that, she is such a good mom, what's wrong with me? Man she really has it all together, she is so spiritual, why don't I feel that way? Wish I had her hair, her money, her parents, her abilities, her brains, I'm lousy at everything, I'll never be as good, etc. No wonder we are so miserable.

My biggest problem is that once those ideas get into my head, I can't make it stop. Then I go into this self-defeating cycle of putting myself down, thinking I'm not good enough, thinking I'm just embarrassing myself, thinking people are silently rolling their eyes at everything I say and do, and then I hit retreat mode and shut down. It's tiring.

We tend to put certain women on pedastals, women we wish we could be more like, when in actuality, if we were put in their place, we wouldn't be happy. That isn't who we were made to be. And honestly, most of those women we tend to put up there, would be absolutely amazed if we told them. They know they are so far from having it all together. They know and overanalyze their own "shortcomings". They have women of their own they wish they could be like.

One personal case in point came up this morning. I am a big fan of Robin Meade, the news anchor. Man, she is so friendly, funny and outgoing. I just love to watch her. I really admire her personality. And I have found myself wishing I could be more like her. But you know what I found out this morning? She once suffered from severe anxiety. She went into panic attacks and couldn't speak. She didn't feel good enough. She even felt the need to write a book about it to share with the world called Mornin Sunshine. Huh. Amazon here I come...

God made each of us individually. He gave each one of us individual gifts and talents and personality traits. He put each one of us here to fulfill a specific purpose. No one else on this earth is here to do what we do. It may be a big amazing thing, it may be many small things we really never notice. But God wants us to be who we are. He loves us as we are. And by feeling we never measure up to another, we are telling God that He is wrong, that He messed up.

I don't know about you, but I'm thinking I really don't want to tell God he screwed up when He made me...how about you??

Psalm 139 is my favorite place to go in the Bible. It was my lifeline on my recent Emmaus Walk. I leave you with this:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me God. They cannot be numbered.

Captain Jack Hairball and the Balloons

2009-10-05T12:52:00.005-04:00

Looking innocent

Currently

The Attack

Not me!!

Ok, I realize many who read this blog are by no means cat lovers, quite honestly these days I'm not either. But "hairball" as I affectionately call him, is really not a cat. Well, at least he doesn't think he is.
Captain Jack Sparrow is his real name, so named after the infamous Disney pirate. Hairball (I just can't call him anything else, except maybe "Jack" on occasion, but that gets weird because I have a dear neighbor by the same name, who come to think of it never calls me by MY name, it's always "Susie-Baby", anyways I digress)got this name because of the way he bobbles and tumbles about, like the oh-so-adorable Johnny Depp in the movies-minus the bling. You see, Hairball is deaf. So he has absolutely no sense of balance. Ever notice how cats are stealthy when they walk, not him, he stomps through the house like a horse-seriously. We aren't sure if he was born that way-deaf-or if he was abused as a kitten. My mom's husband found him by a dumpster when he was just a wee-lil thing. His head at the time was so big for his little body, he could barely stand, and he walked into everything. And to top it off, he was raised with ferrets, dogs and skunks for the first 6-8 months before he came to live with us. Not exactly Fancy Feast commercial cat making material...
Nope, he is sooo not a cat in his mind. I'm not sure what he thinks he is, but it isn't a cat.
Anyways, he has a plastic fetish. I think I have mentioned it in my blogs before. He is completely obsessed with plastic. To the point he will sneak into the bathroom after I have changed the trash and steal the plastic sack out of the trash can. Which unfortunately usually gets stuck on his head, so I have to then chase him through the house trying to get it off of his clueless self. What does he do with them? He nuzzles them, he licks them, he stomps on them. Maybe he can hear crinkiling plastic, who knows??
His other love, besides the plastic Wal-Mart sacks, are plastic balloons. If you recall, I brought some home from my recent Emmaus Walk, bunches of them. And since they are filled with helium, he has been sitting ever so patiently, waiting and watching for them to slowly lose air and come down to earth. When they were about halfway gone, I finally put them in Ashten's room. But in the middle of the night Brian would wake up and freak out because he would see movement at our bedroom door. It would be a hovering balloon. Kinda freaky. Couldn't figure it out, but there they would be night after night.
Last night, as we were sitting on the couch, a balloon went streaking across the kitchen. All we could see was the very top above the furniture. It was Jack of course. He had went and nabbed one and came trucking through the house with the string in his mouth, balloon bopping along behind. But he wasn't satisfied with it where we could see him, he had to take it out to the laundry room, where it was dark. Lots of commotion out there, but when I went to look, he sat there looking innocently at me, balloon floating floor level behind him. I brought the balloon back in the living room, but for the most part, that just ruined his fun.
And as I finish typing, yep, he's found another one....ever notice how much noise a half-filled helium balloon can make???

The Hem of His Garmet Made Real

2009-10-01T08:28:00.003-04:00

I heard a teaching this morning on the story in the Bible about the sick woman who knew she could be healed by touching the hem of Jesus' robe. After hearing it, I had to go do some studying, because this one really hit home with me!
We read in Mark 5:28-For she thought to herself, "If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed." And so she was.
But many had touched Jesus in the past without healing. Why was this? In Mark 5:30 Jesus realized healing power had gone out of him. Wow. So how did she know she could simply touch the hem of his robe?
Well. The Hebrew word for "hem" is tzitziyot, which means "wing". But in Hebrew, words are also given a numeric value. The numeric value is 600. Hang with me here...When a robe such as what Jesus was wearing (some would call it a prayer shawl) was made, they would put 5 knots with 8 strands for each tassel hanging from the end. With the numerical word 600, plus 5 plus 8, we get 613. Wondering where we are going yet?
There are 613 commandments in the Old Testament. Jesus filled every one. He was the only one perfect enough to fulfill them all. 613. Wow, that's alot. This poor woman knew the only way to be made right, to be healed, was to touch the hem of such a perfect being. How did she know this? If we look at Malachi 4:2 (the last chapter in the Old Testament) it says "But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings." Healing in his wings. Healing in the hem (wing) of his garmet. His perfectly fulfilled garmet.
So why did many touch Jesus and not be healed? Why did power go out of him upon her touch? Because someone had put a demand upon his covenant. Someone had enough faith. Someone knew that if she could touch what Jesus had done, and exchange her sickness for his healing, she could be made perfect through him.

What Chances We Miss

2009-09-30T09:06:00.002-04:00

After a night of no sleeping, I got the kids up this morning (late). Alex graciously reminded me I had told them yesterday morning I would drive them to school today upon Ashten's request (which she informed me once we were halfway there this morning she would have rather rode the bus). On the way there it was incredibly foggy. But halfway out the "stretch" the sun broke through the fog and we saw the most awesomely amazing sun. It looked like a big ball of fire, and the fog surrounding it looked like smoke. I've never seen anything like it.

Well, I am a very amateur picture taker. I love to take nature pics. So I hurried home to get my camera (with low battery light on of course), but when I got back, of course the fog had moved in more and my chance was gone. Man I was bummed. But I wound up cruising backroads chasing the sunrise and came along the above opportunity, which is by no means what I could have gotten had I put the camera in my car like I had been meaning to for months.

So it was a once in a lifetime missed opportunity. Quite honestly, I wanted to just put the kids on the bus this morning and forget my promise. And quite honestly, after missing my moment and finding myself all over the countryside, I wondered what in the world I was doing when I could have been home in bed. But it was a beautiful morning to be out and about viewing God's picture show.

I wonder, though, how many once in a lifetime opportunities we miss because we don't take the time or effort to listen to that "check in our spirit" that comes ever so gently, urging us to seize that moment and make a difference, take a chance. Or in my case, simply because we aren't prepared when it comes.

In Christ Alone

2009-09-22T09:13:00.003-04:00

I have been battling with letting go of fear for some time now. Over the past month, I've really been tested on it. A few weeks ago there were whisperings in my ear of events to come that put me into a fear darker than I have ever known. I began to doubt all I knew about the love of God. And yesterday I thought I was seeing those events begin to come to pass. For the first time in my life, I was on my face crying out to God in a way I never have before.
There is a passage in the Bible, Romans 8:26- So too the Spirit comes to our aid and bears us up in our weakness; for we do not know what prayer to offer nor how to offer it worthily as we ought, but the Spirit Himself goes to meet our supplication and pleads in our behalf with unspeakable yearnings and groanings too deep for utterance. I never really understood that. Yesterday, it was all I had.

Later last night, as I was reading a paragraph from a Joyce Meyer book, I came across a sentence that spoke to my heart. "I had a problem, a fiery dart I had not encountered before. But God showed me how to pray, and I was set free." If you have never read her book Battlefield of the Mind, may I suggest you do so if you struggle with fearful or negative thoughts?

And as Max Lucado once wrote, "Faith begins when you see God on the mountain and you are in the valley and you know that you're too weak to make the climb. You see what you need...you see what you have...and what you have isn't enough to accomplish anything. Faith that begins with fear will end up nearer to the father."

Have I just completely given up all fear and become a new person? No. But that is ok. For now it is enough that I know my Father like never before. If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free-John 8:31-32. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you-Isaiah 43:2. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you-1 Peter 5:10.

In complete honesty, I struggle sometimes with writing such personal blogs. It becomes scary when I really contemplate all those who could be reading them. There is always a thought in the back of my mind that people are going to think I've just lost it. Those who know me know I'm not good at sharing the personal stuff. There is no way I could ever speak a lot of what goes into these blogs out loud. But if we do not share with one another the things we go through, the things we learn, if we are not honest and willing to lay it all out there, how will we ever really know of God's glory? I truly believe that is what makes an Emmaus Walk so powerful. The willingness of all involved to completely lay bare their hearts, and it comes about by being shown God's perfect love and acceptance. If you have spent your life running away, please stop, find time to be still, and truly become immersed in His word. It's powerful.

My Welcome Home Surprise

2009-09-21T08:01:00.003-04:00

Such a wonderful, awesome weekend! This was the first Emmaus Walk I have worked! I was fortunate to be placed in a job that allowed me to really see the whole thing, behind the scenes and the talks. Seeing those girls come in afraid and full of hurt on Thursday, then seeing the transformation that had taken place by Sunday afternoon was just indescribable. I wanted to take them all home with me. It was such a blessing to be able to just give with my whole heart over the weekend.

But sometimes it is easier to give than to receive.

I have to brag now on my wonderfully amazing husband (and kids). A lovely gal I worked with this weekend had given me the idea of leaving little gifts for my kids over the weekend. I wrote them both letters, left notes on their pillows, wrapped gifts for Dad to give them each day. I left a letter and a snack on Brian's pillow and the letter told him where to look for the next on the following day-kind of a treasure hunt game. He would text everytime he found one telling me he was having a ball with our game. And I was feeling pretty spiffy about making them all feel a little better about me being gone....

Well. They gave back to me in such an awesome gift. I've been checking out the mums in the stores. Not the little pots, but the big, over-the-top pots. The deep orange and deep red ones are my favorites. Brian had been telling me to just buy them, but I kept telling myself I really had no place to put any. Also, we watch a lot of HGTV at night when we snuggle up in bed. Everytime they show those awesome closet renovations-can anyone say SHOE RACK?-I just drool. So...

When I got home last night, I took the kids a huge bunch of balloons that were left over and we had to sit down on the floor so the kids could look through all the "goodies" I had brought home with me. Brian brought me a bowl of vegetable soup (homemade by him and very good)and waited ever so patiently. Finally, when he could tell I had chilled some (it is a running joke about how OCD I am when I first get home from anywhere), he brought up how our closet just smelled really funky and he wasn't sure why. I put it off, but he brought it up again, and told me to go check it out. Well, at this point the kids were giggling, so of course I knew something was up. Oh man was there.

I walked into our closet and just stood there dumbfounded. Over the weekend, Brian and Alex together had put in wood shelves (not just any shelves-cedar shelves). There was a fancy motion light that spotlighted different areas that made everything look like it was in a fancy department store. He had even folded everything and had bought lined wicker baskets and had them placed oh-so-HGTV-like and had put all of my belts and such in them. And placed (again in high fashion) on the floor were two huge mums with a card Ashten had made me. Then they told me to turn around. And by the door was a 5 foot tall shoe rack on the wall made of cedar. We are talking lots and lots of holes for shoes (which of course Ashten had sorted all of my endless pairs of flip flops into all the holes). And sitting on the top he had placed candles and a box of chocolates. It all looked so professional. Oh my. I stood there and absolutely blubbered. I don't like to cry because I'm an ugly crier. And oh boy was it ugly!!

The joy on their faces was just priceless. I am so very blessed.

And as a side note I to say...in typical maleness...when we went to bed he pointed over to the side of his bed and said he had put a big bag of clothes there because he had no idea what to do with them...He is just so priceless:)

Greening Up My Home

2009-09-11T08:06:00.003-04:00

Ok. Today I'm switching gears a bit and sharing about my passion to become more "green" around our home. When I was in massage school, some of my classmates and teachers began showing me just how horrible many of the products we use (including many medicines, but I won't go there)are to our health. Last week, I was introduced to a wonderful local company (and wonderful folks) making natural soaps and makeup. Check it out at www.phchnaturalsoap.com. Their soaps leave your skin feeling awesome, and I love the mineral makeup-shameless plug here. So it has been on my mind to share what I have learned thus far in greening-up my home.

Ivory bar soap is awesome for laundry stains and is much more user friendly. As is baking soda as a bleach enhancer, and white vinegar is great as an all around whitener and brightener and static cling reducer. I've heard that the arm and hammer dry laundry soap works great (and is much cheaper). Lemon juice works great for fruit stains. Baking soda and a hot iron works great on oil and grease stains. And the good ol' sunshine (think clothesline) is a great alternative to that expensive dryer (and using it to dry clothes vs. dryer will keep sweat stains from turning yellow and is much better for mildew stains).

For household cleaning try vinegar and water on windows. Vinegar is also a great germ killer in the kitchen and bath. Peroxide is more natural and also makes a great germ killer on cutting boards. Try using a mixture of baking soda and water in a spray bottle to freshen carpets, furniture, the air, whatever. It is a great odor eater and harmless to your pets and kids. For toilets and tubs, vinegar poured on baking soda along with a good scrubber is great for stains (and fun to watch) and this also works well for smelly garbage disposals. If you are feeling rich, try toothpaste as an abrasive for cleaning. I'm sure it smells great! A little olive oil and lemon juice makes a great furniture cleaner and polish.

I personally now use olive oil on my skin instead of lotion. Works great! Try it on your hair! Awesome. (But my cousin would warn to put it on DRY hair then shampoo WITHOUT water and rinse). Some people swear by pouring peroxide over their toothbrush for tartar removal. And -ahem- a little whiskey is a great way to kill throat germs (gargle and spit folks:)) Any magazine these days will give you wonderful natural ideas for use in beauty/bath!

And don't forget essential oils. I'm an essential oil collector. It all started as a way for me to "smell up" my house because so many candles made me really sick. Last night I used a diffuser in our bedroom with lavender, ylang ylang, and jasmine, and we both slept better than we have in days. When Brian was sick with a head cold, I used eucalyptus, tea tree, and cinnamon, and he woke up feeling great the next day. And turkey ticks? They hate a mixture of olive oil, tea tree, cinnamon, geranium, lavender, and thyme I make up for us to use on our skin. It also works well to get rid of the itch of bug bites. Clove, lemongrass and cedarwood are also good insect repellants (mosquitos!). Tea tree is the best lice repellant known (I read up on some EPA studies)and it is a great antibacterial/antifungal. And I learned last week to use a few drops of some different oils on my hummingbird feeders to keep away the bees. Essential oils are also great beauty/bath products. There are some wonderful books out there on essential oils!

Little by little, I am replacing things in my home with more natural products. Now when I walk down the cleaner aisle in Wal-Mart, the smell just knocks me down. We have no idea what is in that stuff. And may I also mention how much cheaper it is to use everday household products like vinegar and baking soda???

2009-09-08T08:50:00.001-04:00

2009-09-01T11:01:00.001-04:00

Ashten

2009-09-01T10:41:00.003-04:00

Ok, tomorrow is her actual birthday, but I'm posting today!

My beautiful Ashten Faith was born at 7:44 am September 2, 2003 by scheduled c-section. 8 pounds 12 oz. And lots and lots of thick black hair.

She has always had an independent spirit. She used to get mad and kick as hard and fast as she could in my belly. Then she was never really happy till she could walk n talk and do her own thing. We know as she grows we are going to have to be creative in nurturing that independent, adventurous spirit.

An animal lover, a diva, a singer (she used to hum herself to sleep before she could talk), a poser, a comic, a crafting fanatic (yeah, didn't take that after me). She loves to be doing things, especially if it is outdoors. Part tom-boy, all girly girl. Catching bugs is a favorite pasttime, but we love to buy big girl makeup.

We want to take things apart just so we can see how they work. Incredibly clever Ashten is. She can think outside the box, and has always been amazing at thinking ahead of her years.

She has a tender, generous, soft heart (just don't ask her brother). Actually they get along really well.

She started kindergarten as you all know. It's been a rough adjustment for me. My house is so quiet during the day. I miss her on walks when I see a butterfly that needs catching, I miss taking her to the park and McDonalds on grocery day.

It is hard to remember her baby years. They are just a blur. I know it's only going to go faster. But I'm so very thankful for each and every moment God has blessed us with.

Another Chapter in Abraham

2009-08-28T14:35:00.002-04:00

God has been leading me through a very thorough and painful teaching on the life of Abraham. What do we really know about Abraham?

Well, we know he left his family and set out with no real destination because God asked him to. We know he believed God when God told him he would have a son at a very old age. We know that when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his one and only promised son, he went about doing so, believing God would keep His past promise. We also know that thanks to Abraham obeying God, he was the father of the Jewish nation.

God tested Abraham, and He tested him often. The purpose of God's testing is to strengthen our character and deepen our commitment to God and his timing. When we give to God what he asks, He returns to us more than we could imagine. The spiritual benefits far outweigh the sacrifice. But we have to believe that even though we cannot see those benefits before us in the midst of what we are going through, His word stands true.

Abraham believed and obeyed God in each test, knowing that He would always provide. That is faith, and faith is the response to God's underserved grace. None of us will ever deserve the grace God gave us when Jesus died upon that cross. Nothing we ever do, no law we obey, will ever save us. Mother Theresa herself was not saved because of the amazing life she led. She lived her life as she did because of His love, not for His love. We are saved by the simple faith in Christ and trusting all our sins were forgiven with him.

And ironic as it is, (I love His sense of humor) the verse I happened upon when finishing this up was this: Hebrews 10:31-It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the living God. My Bible explains it this way- "God's power is awesome, and his punishment terrible. These words give us a glimpse into the holiness of God. He is sovereign, his power is unlimited, he will do as He promises. This judgment is for those who have rejected God's mercy. For them, falling into God's hands will be a dreadful experience. They will discover they were wrong, but it will be too late. For those who accept Christ's love and his salvation, however, the coming judgment is no cause for worry. Being saved through His grace, they have nothing to fear."

Quite honestly, I'm hoping God has decided these past two weeks on Abraham have sunk in with me enough at this point. To say it has been rough is an understatement. I've always been more about learning what is in the Bible than actually taking the time to study any one story. But if He needs it to go further, I pray I have the faith like Abraham to keep going.

Another Thinking Thursday

2009-08-27T12:42:00.004-04:00

First day of school pic! Man it doesn't seem that long ago since I took the last day of school pic..

If you'll note, Alex's leg is what happens when Mom spends the weekend at a conference and leaves Dad in charge...Alex was kind enough to think Mom needed a picture right after it happened and sent me one via text. Dad tried to assure me it looked better in person...it didn't...

I think memory loss is setting in. The night before first day, I realized I would need the camera, to which after looking I realized I had put it up out of the way the week before, and it took an hour for us to find where it was I put it... I'd be better off just leaving things lay...

I think I'm ready for fall. Mowing takes up way too much of my life....Have you seen my yard?? It took two days this week. (I have to have a recovery day before I do it all..it's a "rough rider" mower). We could have two NFL games going simultaneously around here...It was better when it was all a swamp...goats anyone??

I think tonight I need to get to the license branch to transfer everything over to the new "minivan green"car. (Did you know that is apparently an official color?) I managed to throw away the registration to the Jeep..didn't think I needed it, duh! Luckily it fell out of the trash when Brian picked it up..sigh..

I think the dryer just shut off...sigh..I still haven't put away last weeks laundry...

I think the next time I feel the need to get up early to read my Bible, I'll definitely listen...no more sleeping in for me!! (I had a "pay attention" moment this morning after I decided to reset the alarm and go back to sleep)...

I think it would be cool to be a conservation officer. One came to talk to our scout den Monday, their job rocks!!

I think my kids are good cooks. One of their jobs now (since they are such picky eaters) is to take turns deciding a meal and they both cook together (with supervision) one night a week. Well Brian says they are good cooks, I conveniently was at an Emmaus formation this week...I conveniently will be at work next Tuesday evening...Who set the kids cooking day anyways??

I think I am thankful for friends today. Ones who don't judge and don't agree with you when you tell them you think you are losing your sanity...

Thanks for the Memories Ronald

2009-08-23T15:53:00.003-04:00

For those of you who have read past blogs, you know Ashten has issues with "flash toilets", meaning the motion-sensor toilets that flush for you. She is terrified. To the point that now that they have installed them at school, she refuses to use the toilet till she gets home. I found this out the hard way Friday afternoon....
Anyways, I wracked my brain this weekend to figure out a way to help her with her issue. And lying on the couch late Saturday night (too much Olive Garden rasperry peach tea past 5 means I'm not gonna be sleeping) I came up with a plan.
So on the way to church this morning, I turned to her in the backseat and told her we were going to stop at McDonald's first because we were going to practice what she could do at school to be able to handle those darn "flashing toilets". To which my incredibly clever daughter spoke up and said "you mean put toilet paper over it so it won't see me?" Wow. How's that for a 5-year-old mind? That was my plan exactly.
So in we go to Micky D's. She refused to enter the stall without me, but with both of us in there it kept going off. So I told her to be brave and sent her in commando-style. Bless her little pounding heart, I think she has seen too many ninja cartoons or something. She put her back against the wall, arms out to her sides, and slithered ever so quietly like she was just waiting for that white ceramic beast to blow, gingerly grabbed the paper between two little fingers, and attempted to gently place it over the sensor. She had a little trouble getting it to stay, but in the end it was success.
Now I don't know how this is gonna go when Ashten actually tries to sit down on the toilet at school because we didn't get that far (her fear goes deep) but it was a step in the right direction. And I don't know what her teacher or the other kids are going to think whenever they keep going in to find toilet paper hanging off the back of the toilet, but man if it works, it works.

At this point, I'm wondering what you have to look for in the yellow pages to find "flashing toilet" therapy experts...

The Story of a Father

2009-08-20T08:31:00.004-04:00

How big, how strong is your faith? Do you have the faith of Abraham?

God told Abraham, who was by that time an old man, that his equally old, and barren, wife would be the mother of many nations. And so she eventually gave birth to a son, Isaac.

One day it came about that God asked Abraham, who was to be the father of many nations, to offer up his one and only son as a sacrifice. In those days, sacrificing meant blood and burnt flesh. So Abraham was not just to let him go, but to literally place him on an alter of wood and slay and burn his son.

And so that is exactly what Abraham set about to do.

Only, at the last minute, God stopped him and told Abraham not to lay a hand on the boy. And in Genesis, verse 22:12 God said "Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." And then, as Abraham looked up, he saw a ram, caught by its horns in a bush, and he went over and sacrificed it instead of his son to God.

And we wonder, was the man insane? He would just go out and kill his son because he thought he heard God tell him to? And what kind of God would ask a man to kill his son?

But you see, Abraham already knew God was to make him the father of many nations. If you look back a bit in the text, you will see that Abraham told his servants that he and Isaac were going to worship and then they would come back. You will also see that when Isaac asked his father where the lamb was for sacrifice, Abraham replied "God himself will provide the lamb for the offering, my son." Sound familiar?

Is that not some strong faith? Wow.

God will test your faith at some point, most likely it is going to happen repeatedly. He is going to ask you to let go of things, to trust in Him, to put no one and nothing before Him. And, oh, it won't be easy. It will most likely be painful, sometimes more than you think you can possibly bear. But He is a loving God, and He knows the plans He has for you. Plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

So do you have the faith of Abraham?

And Jesus said "take heart daughter, your faith has healed you."

I will add as a side note here that as I was speaking with a Ya Ya later, our conversation led me to a note in my study Bible (somehow, coincidentally:)). The note was for earlier in the story of Abraham but our conversation had actually began in Psalm 96. Anyways, it defined the fear of God as reverential trust in God that includes commitment to his revealed word (will).

Starting a New Chapter

2009-08-18T09:04:00.005-04:00

Well, yesterday was birthday number 33. I began it by putting my baby girl on the bus for the first time, followed by a bout of unpretty sobbing as I walked alone back up the driveway.

So it was my first day in 10 years officially being on my own.

I'm taking some time at this point to just get still (which is very hard for me, there are sooo many things to get done, and actually I had made plans to help the neighbors put up corn for the day but it was cancelled) and listen to God's leading as to where to go from here. Which of course is leading to guilt cause yes, I feel like I should be doing something "productive".

But what could be more productive than being still and listening to His leading?

I'm immersed in not one but two books by ladies from the Women of Faith conference (the themes of both seem to be all about the fatherly love God has for us and wants us to accept without feeling we have to earn it), and a new devotional Brian got by Max Lucado, not to mention the Emmaus Walk Bible study sessions and my vow to get through at least the Old Testament by January (I'm currently in Leviticus, and started about a month ago). Whew...that pretty much sums up my last two mornings.

And everywhere I turn I'm getting hit upside the head by one verse-Romans 8:38-39 (okay that's actually two). Which it just so happens that is also a part of the song for our upcoming walk, which hadn't actually occurred to me (I'm a bit slow) until I opened my Bible a while ago and the bookmark fell out that has the words to the song on it. I think it was a "hey stupid, pay attention" moment. It goes something like this...For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have to admit, I'm not always very good at knowing I'm hearing from God. Sometimes I can really convince myself it's just all in my head. But then when I thought about that, the verse I had used in a blog not long ago came to mind from John 10-"his sheep follow him because they know His voice, but they will never follow a stranger because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."

That's comforting isn't it?

First Day Down

2009-08-14T19:10:00.004-04:00

Today was the day. I woke up at 6 in tears. I got the kids up at 7 in tears. I dropped them off and left Ashten's room...in tears. She was beginning to get a little misty at that point herself. Poor kid. She felt bad for me.

A big thing with her is when she wakes in the morning, she likes to be carried to the rocking chair and be rocked until she is ready to face the world. This morning she informed me she was too big for that now. But she humored me for a few moments and I hung on tight.

After the big final moment, we went to Jasper for the day (Brian, bless his heart, decided to get me away for the day.) On the way we had this terrible moment of "oh my, did Ashten have on shoes?" (She is a renowned non-soled lover.) How awful would that have been? I used to have nightmares about going to school barefoot. Backpack, check, new shirt, check, crayons, check...shoes, hmmm...did she? Which ones? The horrible pink ones designated for play only? Nervous laugh moment...

Anyways, after much texting support throughout the day-thank you Andrea, Christy, Shirl, Kathy!-and a few teacher emails via Andrea, I managed to get back some composure.

We had a ball walking the riverwalk and meeting a really friendly retired dairy driver who walked with us, and running into some of the friendliest squirrels I've ever had chance to meet. I refused to look at any mom with a toddler. And every other sentence was oh, wouldn't Ashten love to see that! One couple we ran into was desperately hunting deer??? We invited them (the couple) to our house...they (the deer) pretty much live in our garden.

We test drove cars and went to Rural King and Wal-mart and Game Stop and Dennys. Bought first day of school gifts (yearly tradition). By then it was 3 and time to get home to see my babies.

I was a nervous wreck waiting for that big yellow bus. Brian had to tell me to stop pacing, heck even the cats were getting annoyed. Every few minutes I had to run to the window. But finally, there it was. My baby looked ever so tiny coming from that bus. And my boy looked ever so grown up. (We both had to look and see if her feet were bare...of course she wore the pink ones.)

They both said they had a great day, and Ashten's favorite part was the bus ride (we've been looking forward to that for years).

Today, not so bad. Monday, well, no one likes Mondays anyways...

Monday

2009-08-03T18:38:00.003-04:00

It became much more real today...I went and signed the kids up for school...which means only a few short days left before my little girl has to start learning to make her way without Mommy..sigh..
It's hard because I know her dad and I won't be the only major influences in her life anymore. And I know it won't be long before she doesn't require nightly rocking sessions before bed, or having Mom entertain her with tea parties and stuffed kitty cat babysitting..sigh..
I pray daily that God will bring good friends into her life, that as she grows we have done a good enough job in raising her she will make good choices, and love and listen to God. But it is very hard to let go even though I know God will take care of her even when I'm not around..

On a lighter note, it was a good day for Alex and me. We took a 4-wheeler ride to Grassy Creek and played in the water, and of course these days he always wants to do the driving, then after signing up at school we hit Bo-Macs for ice cream. I found myself thinking that in 51/2 short years he will be driving himself everywhere! "sigh" again....

Thinking Thursday..

2009-07-30T19:58:00.003-04:00

I think it is a hard lesson when you feel you have it all together, only to have God tell you you maybe don't have it all that together after all..ahh, humility lessons.

I think it says something that I can at least laugh about such lessons and put them in the right perspective instead of beat myself up for the next week- I'm a tough critic. Like I said before, I am indeed a work in progress. Thank the dear Lord He doesn't give up on us! I'll be a hand raiser yet I just know it!!

I think "Let go and let God" will henceforth be written on my bathroom mirror.

I think the homemade ice cream making going on in my house smells awesome..but I hafta admit I'm a little worried about it tasting like it smells...Brian+Ashten in the kitchen does not always equal success...oh well, there's always Bo-Macs caramel sundaes..mmm..

I think the fact that my dear man brought home not 1 but 3 Heath bars tonight just for me, AND a package of chocolate flavored coffee might mean he's trying to work up the nerve to come clean! We will see....maybe he's just after a massage..

I think I'm ready for one big thunderstorm with lots of wind and lightning. I'm feeling cheated this year...all rain without the fun!

I'm not sure but I think Brian might have been half serious when he mentioned us moving to the mountains n living like mountain folk. Maybe that's what the chocolate was all about...or maybe he just wants the car he casually mentioned he saw for sale...

I think if my computer gives me the blue screen of death one more time it might be trying to tell me to get over Facebook already...does anyone know of an intervention group?..

I think the person that invented it was out to get all us OCD people. Or CDO's as we affectionately call it in our house. Meaning I am so OCD I can't handle being called OCD because that isn't in alphabetical order...

I'm still not over #1. Will keep trying..

First Formation

2009-07-29T15:01:00.003-04:00

I've felt uninspired to post lately..but...

Last night was our first formation for the upcoming Emmaus Walk in September.

If you have never been on one, I would highly recommend it-life changing.

This one is the first I've worked. And to make it even better, my Ya Yas are right there with me. Normally, I would be waayyy out of my comfort zone. Speaking in front of people, praying out loud, well, lets just say there's a lot of putting yourself out there at a formation meet.

However, things changed a bit for me last week. And people kept asking as the day drew near if I was nervous. Honestly, I wasn't in the least. God have given me complete peace. I truly think that if He had asked me to do a talk, I would have at least not ran out of the room screaming...that's big for me.

I have always heard people go on about giving everything you are to God. About letting go of who you are, who you want to be, and letting God's plan take over. I never knew what that meant and had no clue how to do it. Sounds simple enough, but those simple things really tend to trip me up. Where's the control in that??? But at some point last week, I finally let go.

Amazing experience. Now I'm not saying that I'm forever cured of my fears, I'm a work in progress. But for those moments last night I was able to enjoy myself completely.

It was a building of people full of love for one another and for God. You could feel it, it was so alive. These were people who for the next little while will give of themselves, even though it takes time away from their normal lives, their jobs, their families. These people have pledged to serve a group looking for a deeper relationship with God, no matter how menial or how great the task may be.

If the world could be more like that room on a daily basis...wow.

It is an awesome thing to be a part of.

Summer pics

2009-07-21T09:32:00.001-04:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Summer, unfortunately, is winding down. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once my baby starts kindergarten.....

But here is a little of what we have been doing this summer.

God and the Nursing Home

2009-07-14T11:58:00.003-04:00

Search me God, and know my heart. Test me, and know my anxious thoughts.

This has been a part of my prayer this past week.

And we know when we ask for something in prayer He answers.

I think when I got out of bed this morning, all those parts of me that I would like to change came out in full force. I had to be at one of the nursing homes I visit monthly this morning, and I was attacked in all my weak areas on the drive there. I have to admit, I wasn't taking it too well...at all.

To say things weren't going well would be an understatement. And when I first got there, things were going downhill rapidly.

Then a new activities assistant asked me to do something different. She asked if I would mind visiting a few of the residents in their rooms. They had a couple in their one on one program-which means they are usually later stage alzheimers or dementia and can't be left alone.

They weren't sure how the ladies would react to massage, and even though I assured them we would be fine, they hovered near the doorway waiting for the worst. One was absolutely appreciative and we had a lovely visit. The other was unable to communicate well and was agitated so we simply sat and held hands. She actually was able to thank me and tell me bye as I left.

However, my third resident a dear lady diagnosed as "terminal" and was now bed bound. They asked if I would give her a hand massage. This time they left me on my own.

I went in and introduced myself and asked if I could sit beside her on the bed. Her poor hands and arms were a mess from having been stuck with different needles, and from the dying process itself. I don't know how many have had the priveledge of being a part of someone's life in their last days, but they begin to lose interest in the world going on around them. They turn inward and slowly stop communicating or being aware of anything. There were 3 or vases of beautiful flowers by her bed. Someone had placed the tv remote on her table where she could reach it. A cell phone lay beneath her hand. None of that stuff mattered to her, except the emesis basin she was clutching on her lap. She said a few words and then drifted in and out. I cannot begin to describe the peace in the room as I sat there and held that dear lady's hand.

And here I was this morning sitting on her bed after worrying over all my petty issues on the way there, and they were nothing compared to where she was. God is so amazing at putting us in situations to make us stop and listen.

God spoke volumes in that room. I am so glad I was listening.

Four Glorious Evenings

2009-07-08T20:24:00.004-04:00

This is it! The week Brian and I look forward to each year. Our kids are in VBS. What does that mean?? Four evenings all to ourselves!!

Day 1. We had dinner, just the two of us, on the front porch. No whining, no refilling plates. Beautiful view watching the cows come home-literally-Heavenly. Took a long walk down the road hand in hand to watch the sun set.

Day 2. After evading my dear Ya Ya's-sorry for that:)- we took a short walk, went to town for ice cream and wound up out at my father in laws cabin on the river. Sat on the porch and watched the world float by. Then took a country drive. Decided to try the boat on day 3.

Day 3. After texting every contact I had to see if it was going to rain, Brian convinced me to take a chance and off we went up river. I haven't been on the river since we used to spend nights on his dad's house boat at the Bedford Boat Club waayy back when. Last time I went it was dark and when I stepped into the boat I kept feeling funny tickly things all over me. Lights went on, and I realized that spiders had taken over the boat, literally I was trapped in cobwebs. Yep, that was it for me. I've never seen so many of the nasty lil buggers!

So anyways, his dad had told us about an eagle's nest up river, so we decided to scope it out. When I turned to ask Brian where it was, he said "I don't know, Dad said it was past the old man's nose." Hmm?? River speak I suppose. Well, we never found it, but we did see an eagle! So we turned n headed down river to see the river bridge in town. Once again I turned and asked him how much gas it took to get around on the river. "I don't know... I probably should check...looks like we've used about that much (heholds his fingers slightly apart)." Real boyscout I got here.

On down the way a bit, we are going right along when Wham! we both lurch forward and the engine begins to sputter. We had hit a huge log. I had been teasing earlier about only having one paddle and if we had to use it we would only go in circles. My first thought was it was gonna be a cold swim to shore. (It was cold! The only thing I could find to wear was this furry lined denim jacket I had bought at a yard sale and forgot to take out of the truck. I'm sure I looked real cute in my shorts with that thing around me heading down the river-cell phone in hand of course. City slicker.) But we survived and the engine survived and we moved on. It was neat to see the bridge from underneath.

On the way back we came across 4 baby ducks. I was oohin and awwin so my sweet man stopped the boat right there and whipped around so we could chase baby ducks for me to snap a pic. (I didn't even think to bring my camera so it was all cell phone, which once again I'm sure we looked real cute out there chasing down these poor baby ducks with our boat and my cell phone.)

Finally made it back to our spot and I thought I'd be all suave n boats-man like. I hopped up on the boat, grabbed the rope and stepped out onto the step and pulled the boat in with my foot to hold it. (You see, the night before when we were checking it all out he made the smooth move of trying to step from the boat to shore and did a nice splits-kinda move when the boat started floating away.) Well, what I didn't realize was once you've been a boat for an hour, you tend to have sea legs back on dry ground. I came mighty close to falling on my face with my first step...so much for looking like I knew what I was doing...

Back to town for yet more ice cream and home to play a game of pool. Great!! And now I have a nice thunderstorm going to boot!

We have decided our final night will either be to load up the 4-wheeler in his truck and head for new trails yet to be discovered, or hiking out at the forest. Hmmm...both sound good. We will see.....

Those Flashing Toilets

2009-07-02T22:52:00.006-04:00

So what is a flashing toilet you are probably wondering? Weell....to my five-year-old they are incredibly frightening machines. Mechanical robots, maybe aliens from another planet, loud monsters, all just waiting to suck you down into some unknown abyss. At-ahem-my ripe old age of 32, I've kinda forgotten quite how the five-year-old mind works. But I do remember fearing many things..some of which I still do....

A flashing toilet is actually the sensor automatic flushing toilet they have in many public places. I guess these modern marvels are in place so we genteel folks don't have to dirty our hands with the handle. You know, right after we touch the ends of the toilet paper touched by the last person (I actually tear a piece off first) and then touch the equally germ-ridden stall handle (I always use my knuckles) then after washing your hands touch the door knob to exit the bathroom (I use my elbow/fist/butt/pinkie). Yes, I am a germaphobe. (I also use my foot to flush). I guarantee this will all go through your mind next time you hit a public restroom:).

Anyways, I digress. These toilets are a cause of much distress to my old-fashioned minded daughter-not that she really likes flushing any toilet. She used to actually run as soon as she hit the handle. Then we moved onto just not flushing at all....Anyways, we have gotten to the point that I have to go into the stall with her and actually put my hand over the sensor-but of course "don't look at me Mom"-until she finishes her business and makes it out the stall door. Then, and only then, am I allowed to remove my hand-which gets really tricky if I actually need to use the toilet too...I am sure we make for good entertainment when we are out. Case in point...

Today I took Alex and his best bud and Ashten and her best friend to McDonald's for lunch-which by the way yes I do spend much of my time and cash with and to that stupid red clown. (Whatever happened to Hamburgler anyways? Ronald just seems so much more sinister.) So we are on our way out and Ashten's friend needs to go. No problem, she takes off on her own after handing me her drink and lovely coveted Mighty Kids toy. But then, Ashten decides her friend can't go without her, she needs to go too, and hands me her stuff. So I'm standing here at the trashcan holding all this stuff standing with the boys and trying to text, of course, when Ashten opens the door and says "Mom, its a flash toilet, you have to come with me." To which I reply something to the effect of "I have all this stuff to hold, you can be a big girl." "No Mom!" "Ashten, someday you are gonna have to do this yourself, I'm not coming. You can do this. If you are scared, get summer to go in with you." "No!" So Alex's friend kindly takes pity on me and says he will watch their stuff if I sit it all on top the trash can. And all the while standing beside us is this old guy just having a good ol' belly chuckle at the whole thing.

This is actually the second time this week I've had some old guy laughing at me as I deal with my kids in public. I may need to sit down and take some time to ponder on that.

But I wonder if the guy at McDonald's really had a clue as to what a flashing toilet is?

Tuesday Thoughts

2009-06-30T14:53:00.003-04:00

Whew. What a week and it's only Tuesday....there just aren't enough hours in a day sometimes. Which is amusing considering with daylight savings (thanks for that bright idea Mr. Franklin) and eastern time (since when are we east?)here in southern Indiana we have like 16 HOURS of it right now...

It was a sleepless night last night. Our neighbor is weaning his cows which meant a lot of mad mooing mamas all night long. It's a summer tradition. But to top it off my furball of a cat has a plastic bag fetish. So right before dawn this morning he found one I had forgot to remove off the floor and it was a 45 minute bag adoration fest. He loves to lick bags?? Very noisy, but not a big deal to him since he's deaf...

This is the one day this week when 1. I only have evening clients 2. I'm not helping with the yardsale/guitar lesson driving/taking the kids and their friends to the beach/going to Grandma's/house cleaning and cooking for the annual 4th do. So it was grocery shopping day at Wal-Mart...with both kids....which meant lots of money and one frustrated mom...But first we went to the Washington park. It was a perfect morning for it, absolutely beautiful. (Wouldn't it be nice if the weather was like this all summer?) Then it was off to McDonalds playplace for lunch. We were the only ones in there and it was so very quiet and peaceful. Unfortunately it was then off to Wal-Mart...

I have a texting obsession now. It is all Andrea's fault. I had never texted before our trip to Florida a few years ago-that is when it all got started. At Mickey D's today Brian called and I didn't talk long because I told him I didn't really have much to talk about (I really really hate talking on the phone). At which time I then proceeded to send him at least 10 texts of nonsense stuff going on as I sat there. And when the Queen of Texting tells you you text a whole lot, well, there may be a problem...lol Christy;)

There really needs to be stop lights or something at the end of the aisles at Wal-Mart. Have you ever noticed how hard to is to stop your cart when it is overflowing full when you come to the end of aisle and have to make a wide semi-like turn to get it to go the direction you want, only to whip it out right in front of the lady barreling down the said aisle with only milk in her cart who feels it really isn't her responsibility to watch out for such for folks with two kids hanging on the sides of their already 200 pd. cart??...Or how about the folks who stop in the middle of the aisle to chitchat and pretend to notice you and 20 other folks aren't standing there behind them trying to squeeze through? Haven't they ever heard of texting?...Grr...Road rage at Wal-Mart...

I had a nostalgic moment this morning at the park. There was a carnival set up in the parking lot. I spent a summer traveling with one when I was 10. Long story there. Brian thinks it has the makings for a good book. One day maybe I will blog on those adventures. But not today...

Coming Home

2009-06-24T11:06:00.010-04:00

I was commenting (is that what you call it??) with a family member on Facebook-yes you Angie:)-about the joys of getting lost. Especially in Lawrence Co. When I was doing home health care I spent many an hour lost in that darn county. There are backroads that go on forever, and so many little "towns" out in the middle of no-mans land that seem so lost back in time that I sometimes felt I had come upon Mayberry-not that that is a bad thing in the least. From experience I can say the backroads of Lawrence County rival only those of Martin County, which are the most beautiful around, in my own opinion anyways.

And I don't know if you are familiar with directions that the powers that be in home health tend to dole out, but it goes something like this: turn right at the first big rock, then at the third Y make a left and go north and make third right at the second big oak, then left at the sign for the garage sale, the house is the 3rd blueish green trailer on the left 2 doors down with the junk car out front. Have big dogs, use the back porch door, knock twice first, don't sit your bag on the floor or you'll bring home unwanted creepy-crawlies, etc. etc. And 9 times out of 10, the directions should have said left not right and right not left and, when you call the power that be on call for the weekend to figure out where the heck you are supposed to be, they get angry for taking them away from whatever they are enjoying because any moron should be able to figure out how to get there-not mentioning of course that they have actually never been there themselves-well you get the picture. And of course I may be exagerrating just a bit, but not much:)

I once spent an hour and a half on a backroad where I of course got very limited cell service, only to call my patient and find out they were an hour and a half the other way on the OTHER road with the SAME name. Which could happen because they were actually in a different "town"-with a different zip code, and possibly even a different area code. And obviously these folks weren't always real pleasant when you finally arrived 3 hours late.

For those of you who don't know me real well, I used to tend to panic very easily in such situations.

To the point I would pull over to the side of the road and just wail that I was never going to make it back safe and sound to my side of the world, and I would panic that my patient would yell at me for being late and then I'd get a nasty phone call Monday from the agency chewing me out for being so late. Then I would sit there and beat myself up for being so dense that I couldn't figure out north from south and on and on and on it would go till I had myself convinced I was just a hopeless basketcase not worthy of my job, the job that I really wasn't good at anyways....

Whew. Sounds like a very tiring way to live huh? Often following the wrong direction and getting lost, beating oneself up for mistakes over and over, it makes for an unhappy, stressed out person. Yep, that was me.

When we follow God's direction, we don't get lost. When we accept His grace, we are forgiven for our mistakes. When we give our cares to Him, we don't have to worry. Sounds like a much more enjoyable life doesn't it?

Happy Anniversary!!

2009-06-12T19:36:00.004-04:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Well, our anniversary is actually the 17th, but since we will be enjoying our cabin in Little Nashville on that day, I'm posting this a bit early.

14 years!!! Man, it has flown, yet it seems forever ago we met. It happened on New Year's Eve 1992. I was 16, and me and 3 friends decided to sneak out of Valley and head to Shoals to a party at the Mill. My first party. I didn't see Brian at first. But he saw me. He leaned over to his brother, pointed me out, and said there is the girl I'm gonna marry some day. Hmm. I have to admit, he didn't make a great first impression. I was taken with him, but yet I kinda thought he was a smart-alec jerk too! (I actually kept that opinion for quite a few months.) He was persistent though. And at the end of the night I gave him a cute little peck on the cheek and ducked into my friend's car before he could say a word-I was shy. And of course the whole time Brian was thinking I didn't like him-even thought I'd given him a fake phone number.

He came into my life at its darkest and brought me through it to a much better place. Bless his heart for sticking with me, it was a lot to deal with.

2 and a half years later I married my soulmate. We've had ups and downs. We started out in a run down house with very little heat. I'm being truthful when I say I could actually see my breath in the bathroom! From there we moved a mobile home onto the property we had bought. It was a swamp. I told Brian there was no way we could ever make it in to anything. Man he worked hard to get it cleared and drained. We had Alex the year before we built our house, and Alex had some problems after birth. Soon after moving in to our house we had a scare. Brian's doctor diagnosed him with kidney cancer. A few specialists and a lot of anguish later it turned out ok. Four years later we had Ashten. In between all those years he has supported my OCD/manic/type A personality while I was finding my place in life and growing a bit more laid-back.

He has always been my rock, my encourager, my biggest fan, my best friend. We don't fight, we have complete respect for one another, and we never get tired of one another's company. What more could I ask for? It's been a wonderful life.

I'm looking forward to growing old together....

A Bluebird's Lesson

2009-06-07T18:19:00.005-04:00

I am a self-proclaimed bird nerd. I love bird watching, and one of my many favorites is the Eastern Bluebird. I keep various houses around the yard for them.

Today, as I was sitting on my back porch while Ashten swam, I was watching my mama bluebird tend her 5 newest family members, and I decided to get my camera and take some pictures of her. Then I just had to sneak up there and open the box to get a pic of the babies too.

And looking at that picture got me to thinking.

She faithfully returns time and time again with food for her babies. It happens so often that they begin to relate noise on the box with her landing to feed and immediately sit up with mouths open to grab whatever worm or bug she brings for them. If you notice in the picture one little guy did the same for me when he heard me opening the box.

I decided it just fit with the devotion from John 10 I was reading while on the porch.

The man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger, in fact, they will run away because they do not recognize a stranger's voice. And because they did not understand what Jesus was telling them he said again, I am the gate for the sheep. Whoever enters through me will be saved. The thief only comes to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd, I know my sheep and my sheep know me, and I lay down my life for the sheep.

That little bird did not really know his mama's voice. He assumed any "voice" would feed him. There is so much noise in the world; are you listening to every confusing thing out there today? Or are you focusing on His? For it is Jesus who lay down His life to guide you home.

Let It Go

2009-06-02T14:24:00.004-04:00

I have been wrestling with the idea of this blog for a week now. Quite honestly, I didn't want to write it. On my way home today, I couldn't ignore it anymore. And when I got home, there was a book on my counter with a page marked. Don't know where it came from, I'm guessing Brian drug it in from somewhere and left it, I really don't know.

There was a passage in it marked with a slip of paper that said "God often gives me more than I can handle...so I'll have to turn to him for help. And that which doesn't kill me, makes my faith stronger." That pretty much did it, so here I sit praying for God to give me the words to write. I don't know but a very few of the people who read this blog. But I feel the need to pour out my heart in hopes that someone will open their heart to what God is telling them here.

My heart has been broken, in a way I never imagined would happen again. It took many years for me to overcome my father ignoring me for 18 long years. And when he came back into my life, it took us quite a while to build any sort of relationship. Now, I fear he has taken a path I cannot follow him on, so what took so long to build, he has now turned his back on.

I have spent the past week in tears, self-pity, worry, doubt, you name it. And there have been times that the devil has been on my shoulder whispering in my ear making me doubt all that I am and all that I know deep in my heart to be true. I tried finding peace. But even when I thought I was praying and hearing God, I wasn't really listening. I was still trying to solve it, still trying to make things work my way, still trying to come up with a way to fix it, still worrying about what might happen, what might not happen, trying to make sense of the pain I felt.

And then, the realization hit that really there was only "I" in any of that. But when I finally slowed down, sat down, and put everything out of my mind but listening to God, there He was. He wanted me simply to trust Him. That's all I needed to do, nothing more. No more worrying, no dwelling on what is or what might be or what might have been. I needed to trust that His will is being done, His plan will come to pass. In the end it may not be what I had hoped for, but that is okay. I am a child of God.

I'm going to rest, and pray, and listen, and follow whatever God puts on my heart. I hear that as we grow closer to our Father, the devil will fight it with all he has. I don't know if this is part of his schemes, but I do know this has been a lesson for me and I am grateful God is deepening my faith.

My dear grandma says never pray for patience, because the only way we learn it is by going through trials. But our faith will never grow either.

No matter what you have done or what you are facing, you are never alone in the world. So give whatever it is troubling your heart to God today. Completely, totally give it to Him. There is a peace out there far greater than anything this earthly world can offer.

Zoo Trip!

2009-05-29T21:34:00.004-04:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Perfect weather, perfect day. Just didn't have enough room on the camera for all the pics. They have an awesome dome for the dolphins where they swim completely all around you-like being under water-but that great pic is on Alex's phone. After the zoo we went to the Riverfront park and checked out the sculptures and watched a Segway Tour commercial being made, maybe we'll be on TV! They all looked like a bunch of yuppies! Ate at Cracker Barrel, and wound up at Lowes yet again....

Thinking Thursday

2009-05-28T21:51:00.002-04:00

I think I am excited to be going to the zoo with my kids tomorrow.

I think I am glad they are still at the age that hanging with mom at the zoo is still considered fun.

I think with barely one day down on summer vacation, my kids are trying their best to not get along.

I think I am not very happy that my sunroof decided to quit in the middle of the rain today. It is now stuck on open.

I think putting in grout sucks. But I like the outcome.

I think we never really get our parents raised.

I think I have been tested this week and am not sure I passed.

I think I may go crawl in a hole somewhere and avoid people in general.

I think I am very glad for wonderful supportive friends who like to text as much as me.

I think it has been a very emotional week.

I think with weeks like this, you realize who out there really cares about you and are the ones that are truly a blessing in your life.

I think I need to stop worrying about people's issues and just live my life the best I can.

I think I am fortunate to have wonderful neighbors.

I think I'll be praying very hard tonight for one such neighbor to get well soon.

I think the state of our nations hospitals is sad. Who sends someone home with sepsis, a fever, low bp, and above all lets them drive????

I think I am in desperate need of a Ya Ya meet fix. It's been too long.

School's Out!!

2009-05-27T09:16:00.006-04:00

First day of preschool and 4th grade

Last day for Alex!

Actually last Wednesday was last day for Ashten, but close enough!

Last Day!!! Woohoo. I love the last day of school. Summer to look forward to with both my little ones home. Which also means getting out of bed a little bit later, yeah!! We have plans to go to the zoo and have a cabin rented in Brown County for a few days. Other than that it will be the big annual 4th of July party here at the house, lots of swimming and hanging out at all the parks and McDonald's on grocery day. I miss having them both with me!!

They have both changed so much in the past year. Ashten is much more outgoing now. She used to hang on my leg and cry when she first began school. Now she can't wait to start kindergarten. We are counting down the days. It's going to be a tough one for me.

Alex has changed from my little boy into a pre-teen. A bit more moody and of course he knows everything. But still a sweet tender-hearted boy. He made straight A's this year and is looking forward to awards day this afternoon.

So now I am off to get back to painting. Somehow I decided the hallway needed painting also. Then it will be off to school to watch the awards program, and after that our annual last day Bo-Macs stop for milkshakes, then off to work for me....

Bathroom Redo

2009-05-26T08:17:00.004-04:00

The Aftermath

Whew. I thought the holiday weekend would be a time for us to relax and regroup. Should have known better. My obsessive compulsiveness kicked in and we worked all weekend-well except for Friday and a lil Saturday night.
Friday we wound up with a babysitter (rare) and went for a long 4-wheeler ride. Saturday we went to the movies with some friends to see Night at the Museum and then out to their house to grill and have a campfire. Alex took his guitar so it was a jam session and s'mores around the fire.
From there I'm not sure what happened. We had decided to stop at Lowes for some paint so I could re-paint our bathrooms at some point. I've slowly been bringing our house out of the 90's and trying to make it look a little more modern. But we wound up seeing tile on clearance and of course couldn't pass it up. For some unknown reason we had put wood in the kids bathroom and it was in pretty bad shape. Not to mention ours is carpeted. And of course Brian sees a new bathroom vanity that he really likes but fortunately it was a special order deal so we left without it.
Well then, Brian figures out he doesn't have everything he needs to tile, so after church on Sunday, and before the birthday party we had to attend, we wind up back at Lowes. After the party I decided to start on the kids' bathroom cause I just wanted to get an idea of how it would look. But of course to tile, everything had to be taken out. Moulding, vanity, toilet.... Somewhere in there I wound up online buying a vanity and was to pick it up on Tuesday. Anyways, so by the end of Sunday night (around 11) we had the whole bathroom painted, as well as Ashten and ourselves. On to Monday...
Well of course Monday morning I decided I had to see what our bathroom would look like. This time I had both Alex and Ashten helping paint so imagine how that went. Once again everything had to go, moulding, toilet....yes, at this point we were without a toilet. That is when the kids started panicking, until Alex realized there was one in my office. So that gets done and Brian figures out he should probably put cement board under the tile. Yep, another trip to Lowes. We got home with cement board, a vanity, new lights and mirror for said vanity along with a new curtain rod for our large bedroom window. Thanks to kids and cats it has a lovely sag in the middle.
So all of last night was spent trying to figure out how to lay floor tile. Needless to say, I requested our master bedroom toilet be put back together. As of yet, the kids have nothing but a room without a floor and a tub full of junk. But it does have pretty walls:)
Today it is off to Wal-Mart because our house is completely devoid of any food the kids will touch. Not to mention the new rugs and such for the bathrooms.
How in the world could 2 gallons of paint wind up costing so much?

Wake Up

2009-05-15T07:38:00.004-04:00

After reading Christy's blog this morning-talk about waking up to a shock-and speaking with her after checking some websites, I am in shell shock. I have to admit, I hear about atheists, I knew that in the bigger cities Christianity was being ridiculed to an extent, but I never really considered that it might hit close to home. I just take it for granted that in our small, secluded part of the world people believe.
There was girl I suppose, back in massage school. She said she was agnostic. This gal was just really lost in her life. A group of us used to go to lunch together and such. Much of the time our conversations centered around faith. Well she began asking questions and by the time we had graduated she was back in church. It was a group of people with a strong faith who were willing to share it and show His love. She gravitated towards it. And quite frankly they did wonders for me too.
Anyways, as I began reading some of these atheist websites, one thing really struck me. These people all sounded unhappy and lost. I'm sure if one of them were asked, they would deny it, but it was there. And I have to wonder, have they ever had a real faith-walking Christian in their life? Most of what I read was different folks saying they didn't go to church growing up, but it was just common knowledge to believe. Hmm. Some of us go through the motions, but are we really where we need to be in our faith to be a light to others? Or are we go-to-church-on-Sunday and live-in-the-world-Monday folks? Maybe this is all these people have seen.
I can't imagine not believing in God. How lost and lonely it would feel to not know He is there with you every step. What do you think these peoples' lives would be like if they took some time to seek Him? One thing I saw in common on these sites was that they hated "organized" religion and saw churches as "clubs". But I never saw one single person mention they had ever tried to have a relationship with God. It is the way they see Christianity in people as a whole they seem to have a problem with. Maybe that needs to be our wakeup call. I know it certainly was mine this morning.

Just a Day in the Life..

2009-05-11T09:14:00.002-04:00

We had a good Mother's Day. We spent most of the day at Brian's moms. His two sisters and two of his brothers were there with some of their family. This is pretty much the one time each year he sees some of them. This year it seemed everyone had had recent run-ins with various law enforcement (not as bad as it sounds, speeding and seat belts) so we sounded more like Roseanne than The Cleavers:)
From there Brian, Ashten and I took off for Spencer to pick up a very used pool slide we found on Craigslist. I have never been there. It was a beautiful ride, except for this huge slide hanging out of the back of Brian's truck-I was just sure we were going to get pulled over in Spencer. There was a policeman with "marshal" printed down the side of his very fancy new cruiser really checking us out. On the way back we had a gorgeous sunset among the clouds and saw a guy out in a field flying an ultralite and for Ashten that was just the neatest. At one point we had a song on the radio about life being good but eternal life being better, and Ashten goes "why are turtles better than life?" Too cute. From there it was get home and play some Raving Rabbids with Ashten.
And last night I had my Monday all planned out. Get Ashten to preschool and from there Mamaw would pick her up, weed and do some planting, mow, clean the slide, get the pool chemicals straightened out, then off to work this afternoon. Of course once again we wake up to yet more rain, and Ashten was tired from being up late so I let her sleep in. She would really prefer to be a night owl. Then there was the various assortment of rabbit heads, dead moles n such on my back step that the dogs had drug in over night to clean up. Not to mention my two housecats had decided to dig up the newly planted impatiens on my back screen porch over night.
I should know better than to make plans. Oh well, I found pulling weeds in a raincoat still gets the job done:) And hey, I see some sun! So now we will make pool slide cleaning a family event....

Alex's Day

2009-05-08T21:12:00.003-04:00

Today was all about Alex. Big day for him. It started out with his class mothers day program at school. All the moms went and sat with their kids in class. Alex had a paper for me that he had filled out. It had things like my mom loves me because...my mom does.....and under the my mom taught me he put how to...do work. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. He also got up in front of the class and read a prayer for moms. His teacher then handed out some papers with poems the kids had wrote over the past few months. He had written one about his Nana. It was so sweet I thought I was going to cry right there in the middle of the classroom. He asked me if I would like for him to get up and read it as his teacher was letting kids read their poems. I told him I wasn't sure I could handle it. Alex said he wasn't sure he could either.
After school we had the annual cub scout blue and gold banquet to celebrate their achievements this year. He was asked if he would get up and say a few words there too and he didn't hesitate to say yes. I have to say I am impressed that he is so willing to get up in front of a bunch of people. Brian has asked him a few times this year to pray at the end of our cub scout meets and he has stepped up each time and done a wonderful job. It is a blessing to see my 10 year old unafraid to pray in front of his peers. I was always so afraid that Alex would grow up trying hard to fit in and be a follower. He is showing us he is a leader.
I also heard that at one point he walked out the door and was hugged by three of his female classmates. Hmm. My baby is growing up.

A Day to Forget God

2009-05-08T08:42:00.004-04:00

So President Obama is the first president to decide there doesn't need to be a National Day of Prayer recognition event at the White House. His press folk say he knows the importance of daily prayer but doesn't feel a need to show his faith in such a public light. Does this not bother you??? We are told to glorify Him, to shout his name, to not hide our light. Is our leader so afraid of offending nonbelievers? With the shape our country is in, you would think a christian in the highest rank of power in this country would be begging folks to pray to God. Wonder why our country is in its present state to begin with????? I hope those who did take the day to heart spent some time in prayer for our leader to stand firm in his beliefs and look to God and not to those around him worried about his next popularity poll. Isn't it a shame that showing a belief in God is no longer the popular norm? Look out folks, persecution is coming.

Revival

2009-05-06T14:03:00.002-04:00

Church revival was an awesome time. I am so thankful that Christy brought us to this church. Pastor Dan is so good at making you feel like he's looking at your soul. And he isn't afraid to step on toes. He has a habit of addressing people by name and making them squirm a bit. Quite honestly, I hope he never learns mine:)
I went in knowing it was going to be spirit filled. I was expecting it to make a difference for someone. And it didn't take long for me to realize there were a few of us that were going to be touched in a very personal way. Pastor Dan could have been describing my childhood last night. It was a hard sermon to sit through. I feel I have gotten past it, but it is still hard to hear someone talk about it in such an emotional way. And I am so thankful to have had friends and family there that knew just how hard it was and understood my reaction at the end of services:)
It has been an amazing few months since I started the Ya Ya group. Every day brings something new for one of us, some things good, some not so good. I cannot begin to express what a difference to makes to have those 7 like-minded people to share it all with. I cannot begin to even express the things we have experienced and witnessed, our blogs tell some of the story, but there is just so much that words cannot convey, though Andrea and Christy can both tell a beautiful story much better than I:)
I was baptised at 17, but didn't really begin living the life till 2002. And even then, I backtracked again after a year or so. I really thought I didn't need a church family. Things were good, we were happy, no worries. We stopped going to church, but felt we were still okay. I began to push people away more and more. But something was missing in my life, I was lonely without God. And I began to pray for Him to change us. To give us a church, to bring some Godly friends into my life. Boy, did He answer prayer! And it has been a roller coaster ever since...

Me and God at Wal-Mart

2009-05-05T16:31:00.004-04:00

It was a God day. I knew it was going to be since Sunday. Nothing major, just God ministering to me in little ways. But that little bit sure went a long way. I've been very down on myself lately, not in a good place. I don't like being around myself. The new medication to straighten out the hormones isn't making me easy to live with either, so I've been told. But today changed my thinking a bit. Like I said, not so much of a big deal in writing, more one of those you gotta be there kind of things.
It all started Sunday evening. Ashten found out my mom has baby goats. Quite literally, my mom has a small petting zoo. We are talking goats, cats, rabbits, various dogs, bunnies, ferrets, chickens in various forms, even a few pet skunks-really. The perfect place for my 5-year-old animal fanatic. She doesn't get to go there too often, Mom lives in Paoli and it is just hard for me to get her there often. But Ashten started in on me Sunday evening wanting to spend the day. I said maybe Saturday, and that of course was eons in kid years. So I called Mom, and even though I meant to ask for Saturday (date time!) it wound up I never mentioned Saturday, and we decided on Tuesday. My one day completely free this week. So I started coming up with a plan of what all I could get done while Ashten was visiting.
But then, I got to thinking, I had promised Grandma I would come up and fix up her flower bed for Mother's Day this week. It's tradition. My grandma is pretty much home bound, and she spends most of her time at her kitchen table looking out her sliding door window. This flower bed really brightens her day. And Tuesday would really be the one day to get it done. Man. Bummer. But as time went on, I began looking forward to it. I made my plan, Wal-Mart in Paoli for flowers, Lost River Market (my absolute self-splurge place-I love their deli and they have my Izze pop) deli lunch, Grandma's, so on and so on. And I can't really explain it, but in anticipation I knew it was meant as time for me and God, it was there in the back of my head, nothing I thought about consciously.
So we get to my mom's this morning. Beautiful day. We are out on the porch talking flowers. She mentioned that she didn't think the clematis I got her last year was going to come back. And she was talking about how much she liked them, and how her and one of her clients talk about them. Somewhere in there I decided I would try to find one at Wal-Mart for her, and off I went.
Now, I love to drive, especially alone. And even better, I love to drive with my sunroof open. Perfect day for it, added in a little christian music and God began speaking. Nothing to share really, just good conversation, feel good moment.
At Wal-Mart I had a ball picking out flowers, but couldn't find clematis. I'd given up and went in. For some reason I headed down an aisle, I was completely ready to check out at this point, just waiting for the register they keep near the lawn center to clear. And there it was. THE one. I have been looking for this certain type of clematis forever, it's hard to find and absolutely beautiful. And wouldn't you know it, they only had one left. Now I had already decided to buy one for Mom, but she didn't know that. So what to do? Well, I tend to suffer buyers remorse every time I buy myself something, so I decided I really didn't need another one, I'd just give it to her as planned. Not that I was trying to be the perfect daughter here or anything, I just felt guilt about buying myself a plant-long story there. And later that day, once again going down the road, God brought that to my attention in a different way. Hey, you aren't the terrible self-serving person you make yourself out to be so often, give yourself a break. Like I said, not a big thing in writing, had to be there. It was a God moment.
Back up a bit. Like I had said, at Wal-Mart I had went down that aisle while waiting for the line to clear. It was just one woman checking out. So I got behind her to wait. She was asking about top soil and decided to buy some as she was checking out. Which meant the check out gal would have to go with her outside to get it. She told her she would help her once she got me rung up. I said not to worry about it, I'd go up front and for her to go ahead. Not a big deal. I turned and began walking away. And as I did so I heard the customer say wow that was really nice. That stunned me. I had thought nothing about it, the check out girl was looking worried and harried about getting it all done, it wasn't a big deal for me to go up front, in fact, I was wondering when I decided to check out there why I had anyways. But this made an impression on that woman. Nothing intentional on my part once again, just going about my day, wasn't trying to do anything out of my way, wasn't trying to give myself a big pat on the back or anything. And I thought, wow, what if I had been in a hurry and feeling a bit testy, cause quite honestly my trip to CVS on Sunday went a bit differently and I've had some guilt moments over it. What a difference that could have made in her day. Another moment of God saying hey you, great your listening, lets talk, or I'll talk, you listen for a change. So I did.
Anyways, I stopped at the market, did I mention I just love that place? and got lunch for me and Grandma. And I was as friendly as I could possibly be to the guy checking me out. Don't get me wrong, I detest people talking on cells in the check out, and I am most usually very careful about being as friendly as I can, but I mean I was filled with the Spirit friendly. Ever try it? Makes a huge difference to those around you.
So Grandma and I had lunch together and then I went out to work. My aunt came, then my cousin and her boyfriend. They all wound up coming out to help-well my aunt anyways, my cousin is more of a watcher. And it was a good time of working and teasing with people I had been a little tense with lately. And later I got the joy of seeing my Grandma looking out the window enjoying her first colors of the spring. I visited there longer than I have in awhile. It was all in the attitude.
And that is just it. It is all in the attitude. It is all in how we view ourselves. Do we think we are perfectly made in God's image, or are we constantly down on ourselves for every little mistake, every little bit of impatience, every little bit of selfishness, every little not perfect moment we tend to have? Do we even take the time to see the effect we are having on the people around us? None of us are perfect, and we are going to screw up, even when we feel we are walking close to God. But He doesn't want us to continually beat ourselves up. He wants us to feel good about ourselves (granted there is an extreme other side to the self-loathing) and live each day filled with His spirit to be a light to others. That is hard to do when you are constantly looking in the mirror picking yourself apart. Accept that grace.

Seeming Sunday

2009-05-03T16:43:00.003-04:00

It seems my family doesn't appreciate when I decide to take a stand for myself. I think they prefer passive-aggressiveness. There are times when things just need to be confronted, and things need to be said. If they don't want me to be my blunt self, they shouldn't bring up the gossip. To hear them talk, I've always been one to say what I think anyways. No one can make you feel worse about yourself than family sometimes.

It seems my daughter has one heck of a knack for reciting songs. So her and Alex are both musically inclined. Wonder where that came from?? Not me...

It seems my new medication is making me a bit more impatient and grouchy than usual...which according to my kids I was already horrid. Humph. That being said, kudos to photographers. I love taking pictures of my family, but man, the patience required. Add in a couple of dogs and you might as well sign me up for the looney farm.

It seems we are not meant to get a garden planted anytime soon...let alone mow the yard. I can sink to my ankles in mud around here. I think I could actually lose a dog in our grass...maybe not such a bad thing...

It seems I have yet to figure out all of the functions on my cell phone. Why do we need to send colored text messages anyway???

It seems there are some who feel I have become too attached to my technology. Can't imagine why. Is it a bad thing when you are sitting at the table and you and your 16 year old cousin and 10 year old son are trying to figure out who's getting the newest text? Quite possibly. Is it bad when you carry your laptop to bed with you? Probable.

It seems that being sick for 2 days is a free pass out of exercising for a full week. I'm still recuperating you know.

It seems the popularity of the Beach Boys is making a come back. Who knew??

It seems-according to Alex-we can't eat at the local Mexican restaurant because Mexican food will give you swine flu. Got that one cleared up in a hurry as we were walking in...

It seems cats really can be camera shy. And they really do like to dance, especially if it is on the hood of your new vehicle late at night.

It seems old movies are cool. Who knew they had color TV in the 70's?

It seems mamaws are much better at making just about everything. Someday I will have my revenge on picky eating children-just wait till I'm mamaw....

It seems a nap is in order.

Alex is 10!

2009-04-30T06:14:00.009-04:00

Crazy hat day.

Loves Corvettes!! Corvette museum at Bowling Green.

Preschool graduate!

Home haircut. Looks thrilled doesn't he?

First electric guitar! Now we can really rock out Green Day!

Wii'ing it.

Man would he love to take it home....

Sock puppet theater was a big event.

Awww....

Well, this is it, today is the day. My baby turns the big 1-0. Alex is excited. As per tradition, after school we will head to Washington to Ponderosa to gorge on as much ice cream as possible, and then hopefully to the park to feed the ducks if the rain holds out. I hope so, I know the day is quickly coming when he will be too old for such things. And then, with that said, he wants to go to the Verizon store for his first cell phone. Sigh...

I went into labor on a beautiful Thursday afternoon and he was born Friday morning at 7:25. We had a rough go of it. After 2 hours of pushing the doc was getting worried and started talking emergency c-sect. But with one last try with vacuum forceps, he was born. However, within just few moments, they were aware something wasn't right with his breathing and whisked him away. Turns out the duct that shunts blood away from the lungs before birth didn't do its thing and after birth blood still wasn't circulating like it should. Between that and being stuck in the birth canal for so long, I got a visit from the ped doc on call and she gave some thinly veiled hints that all might not be right in the days to come. However, two days later we took our beautiful baby home-healthy.

I suffered from post-partum depression, though at the time didn't know what it was. I was a nervous, terrified momma, and felt completely inadequate to care for him. But one morning, about 3 months in, we were playing in the floor and it just hit me. They say that bonding moment sometimes come on gradually, not for me. I was immediately just smitten. And being my first, he was the center of the world. We were inseperable, and when Ashten came along, it was hard for him to share that attention. It is so hard to help the firstborn make that transition, and I think he still feels cheated a bit.

Alex was a beautiful baby, is a beautiful kid-inside and out. From the time he just a few years old, people have commented on what a special kid he is. There is really just something about him, and it doesn't take long for the adults around him to notice. He was born old, and has always been comfortable with adults. Not that he doesn't do kid stuff, right now it is all about cars, guitars and video games. Once it was Thomas and monster trucks and tractors...sigh. I have never heard Alex have a bad word to say about anyone-with the exception of his sister, she really knows how to push the buttons. He is a good natured person and wants to make everyone happy. He learned to love God at a young age, and I remember once when he was younger telling me that when he prays he can feel God give him a big hug. He strives for straight A's. And it is all about the rules. No one is going to drive too fast on his watch. He has big plans to be a conservation officer and a famous song-writer/guitar player some day.

The fourth grade has been hard I think. This is the year that everything began to change. His best bud is about a year older-Alex is one of the youngest in his class-and now it is all about girls. Alex just isn't into that yet-at least not the girls his own age, he does have a thing for the Star Wars chick-and talks about the girl he will someday marry, he plans for them to live with us. I think he thinks he should be into the girls in his class, but he would still rather play the video games and have a good time. Honestly I think he would rather just hang with the adults most of the time. The awkward stage has begun. I just don't understand a kid that is so obsessive about having clean teeth, yet could care less about coming his hair or taking a bath!

I know the days are just going to go faster and faster. Soon I'll be watching him graduate. But I know God has big plans for his future, and it is exciting to see the person he will become. But I sure miss that little feller that loved to climb up in my lap for a good book and some snuggles. It gets harder and harder to remember Alex as that little guy.

Monday Musings

2009-04-27T08:34:00.002-04:00

I truly am thinkin right now that Capn Crunch rocks! But man the hypoglycemia I'm gonna experience in a couple of hours really isn't worth it.

I love, love, love the weather!

I had the awesomest weekend ever!

I think it is a great thing to ovecome your fears to make memories with your family.

Bluetooth is one great invention...now if it would just do text messages as well......

There is nothing better than sitting next to water at sunset with your husband and kids.

I'm so glad it was a safe prom weekend!

I love quiet Mondays all to myself!

I really dispise daylight savings time! By the time I convince the kids to go to bed, it is STILL daylight, and there is no way I'm going to bed. Then I'm up wide awake a few hours later when it's daylight waayyy too early.

I think I'll take me dogs for a walk today after I'm done working.

I think I'm really not looking forward to cleaning out the Saturn. And oh, man, I forgot to get the mother in law's carpet cleaner! Darn it!

I'm looking forward to the Ya Ya's meeting tonight.

I think Tennessee people truly believe southern Indiana folks are major backwoods hicks. Go figure:)

I think Facebook is probably taking over entirely too much of my life.

I think it is time for some family portraits.

My baby turns 10 Thursday. I think it is getting harder to remember him as my little buddy, and if I dwell on this I'm gonna get too teary.

I think I need to get my butt in gear and get to work.